I'm tired. I'm just so mentally exhausted from the repetitive torture my brain puts me through. A week ago I felt so happy and I felt like a good mom. Now I'm terrified and can't feel any happiness or enjoyment in anything because I feel like I'll end up snapping and hurting or even worse killing my child and I will lose my entire life in a second. I know my thoughts are just thoughts and I know that the only reason I obsess over these things is because they are my biggest fears, but still knowing that, it bothers me to the point of having panic attacks and feeling nauseous. Take away the fear of losing my child, my whole family hating me and being sickened by me and going to prison for the rest of my life and the obsession fades away. I feel like I'm no longer afraid of the thoughts themselves but of actually doing something. I wish I could escape myself.

from the moment i wake up to the time i fall back asleep, my thoughts will not go a second without thinking about the same few topics. every second of every day for the past year i cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend. and no, not like "la dee da he's so cute!" no. it's the same thoughts of debating my feelings for him, convincing myself that im a lesbian but won't admit it to myself, convincing myself that i don't actually love him i just love the idea of a relationship with him. im disgusted with him but im passing it off as just i dont like that single flaw and thats fine. i can't stop. it's a broken record. my head is just a broken record. and for MULTIPLE YEARS pretty much since my ADHD diagnosis in middle school (i'm graduating this year) i haven't stopped thinking about mental health. relating every single thing in my life to the fact im neurodivergent. asking myself over and over if a thought i had or an action i made means im this personality, i have this mental disorder, because i have this traumatic memory that's influencing my choice. all day, every day, every second, multiple years. these thoughts are just constantly in my head. i want it to stop. i'm so tired of it. so absolutely exhausted. it's not even the compulsions or the anxiety, i just want the thoughts to end. all i could ask for, the thing i would give the world for, is to go a day without obsessively thinking these thoughts. to be able to experience a trigger but not be triggered. to be able to kiss my boyfriend goodbye and have my head move on to another topic for thought completely. to be able to hear a mental health topic be mentioned and not have the urge to explain every aspect of that topic, nor think about it for hours on end. be able to see random people on the street and accidentally make eye contact with them but not have to obsessively think of what their life is like, what they think of me, that they know i'm obsessively thinking about them and they hate me for that. i want to be able to see my ex friend around school whom im upset at the way things ended but not obsessively think about her and be disgusted and scared about those thoughts and her every move. i sound like a freak, i sound like i belong in a straitjacket, i know. i hate it too. so fucking much. i'm freaked out by myself, i know that if i were to share these thoughts at a podium i would be reported on the news and likely arrested because everyone around is terrified and will assume i will ever act. but i just want this to stop. i'm so desperately waiting for my next doctors appointment to ask for an up dose on my lexapro.

Hi again :c I’ve been having terrible thoughts of hurting my loved ones I’ve stopped watching horror movies which is my favorite genre and can’t even watch or read anything related to violence even if it’s just a video or movie talking about it, I get triggered so fast I really miss feeling that relief with my mom I miss my mom so much and I just don’t know what to do anymore I almost committed last weekend from how scared I was and Ik your thinking will you try again? idk I’m not sure, one day I might say “no” next I’ll plan it out, but truth be told I don’t want to die I want to live a normal life, I want to stay with my mom and my family, I love my family and my grandma and my older brother..I’m so sick of feeling this feeling, I’m tired of arguing with my brain, I want to be with my mom and spend time with her like I used to, but I can’t stand that thought of hurting them it makes me shake and I feel this pain in my chest, my OCD has been trying to convince me all those crime docs and stuff I’m into turned me this way but that’s impossible since I’ve never thought like this before I’m just tired that’s all Idek know what I’m looking for saying this..prolly just to vent or to know if this will ever go away..

I’m tired of thinking about the same OCD thought to “kill mom” it just doesn’t leave. I try to break the cycle but when it’s broken it just sits there and waits to be interacted with. Idk what to do im tired of it. And it makes me feel like a psycho path and I’m tired of not feeling like myself.