I'm tired. I'm just so mentally exhausted from the repetitive torture my brain puts me through. A week ago I felt so happy and I felt like a good mom. Now I'm terrified and can't feel any happiness or enjoyment in anything because I feel like I'll end up snapping and hurting or even worse killing my child and I will lose my entire life in a second. I know my thoughts are just thoughts and I know that the only reason I obsess over these things is because they are my biggest fears, but still knowing that, it bothers me to the point of having panic attacks and feeling nauseous. Take away the fear of losing my child, my whole family hating me and being sickened by me and going to prison for the rest of my life and the obsession fades away. I feel like I'm no longer afraid of the thoughts themselves but of actually doing something. I wish I could escape myself.

I get that %100. I feel like how can I enjoy life not knowing if I'll snap tomorrow. Just knowing I could be capable of doing something so horrible makes me not wanna live. The sheer panic I would feel alone if I did snap makes me sick to my stomach and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about it. It's ruining everything lately. This is going to be my daughter's first Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up and I should be happy. Instead I'm feeling guilty and terrified to be around her. It's worse because I'm doing it alone right now too because my husband's in another state. I feel like he would be freaked out if he even knew about this fear and obsession of mine. I'm feel alone and criminal.

@bulldogmomma13 I can completely relate. I have two children, a three year old and a 4 month old and I am going through the same exact thing. It’s so debilitating. My husband works nights, so he sleeps during the day and works at night. Night is when it’s worst for me. It’s so hard being alone with them, thinking I could snap at any moment. I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow morning. I’m really hoping it helps…

@ashleyc95 Good luck at your session, I'm rooting for you.

@bulldogmomma13 Thank you so much. I’m rooting for you too.

@ashleyc95 Did your therapy go well today? Seriously considering therapy myself but am scared.

@bulldogmomma13 I did! It went well, and I was officially diagnosed with OCD. I’m really hopeful for the future sessions. I really think it’s worth looking into! It would be a good step to fight OCD back. I had this appt scheduled for over a month, but I don’t think the wait time is usually that long. How are you doing today?

@ashleyc95 Not good. It's tough especially at night when I'm at home byyself with the baby. I'd be happy to try therapy but the expense and if theres anywhere near me is a concern. I'm also afraid if therapy doesn't work then what will I do? I'm just a wreck.

@bulldogmomma13 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I completely get what you’re going through. It’s torture. It might be worth calling and seeing what payment would look like. They take some insurance, and do a payment plan for people without. If you want someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me. It really helps knowing we’re not alone in this. My email is ashleycherise95@yahoo.com.

@ashleyc95 I appreciate that so much. Im here if you need to talk too. My email is bgcleanhom2019@gmail.com

I understand completely. Everything I've been told and read says that because it's the opposite of our nature we won't act on it, but I think to myself what if I'm the exception and do it!