I just tried to explain my SOOCD to my sister and I felt so illogical and confused trying to explain it because when you say it out loud it sounds so illogical and like denial and I just feel so misunderstood. Has anyone felt this?

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Sometimes I feel like nobody really gets me. Nobody knows what’s going on in my head. I try to explain in vivid detail, but my ocd immediately reads the other persons face and registers that they don’t get it. It’s a very isolating experience. Anyone else have something like this?