Brave through

Date posted: 3y

Today was a little weird and hard i am losing hope so i just need some words of advice.. i went out with some friends today due to my college work and it was all okay until we were coming back and i noticed this girl out of the friend group randomly and went like do i like her would i do something with here?!? Which popped out and i am not lying it felt too real to ignore or deny and it was like i might even like it and just that thought made me think my friend who is bi would have actually also noticed like this only?!? And she wouldn’t make a move but what if she did would i have retaliated i might have and might have not but all these in that one corner also feel very irrational and baseless but thats like0.1% and the rest feels like i want it and i am in denial and then people will say so what if you are why don’t you be okay with it which makes me think why this then why wouldn’t I accept it then why don’t i know the answer to it now then?!! It was so real that I can’t deny it what do i do?!? I started thinking things imagining things and felt i notice her the same way as i would have to a guy which is so crazy cause why would i ?!? And people will say again so what if you are?!? Then why don’t i know it now?!? I am tired i don’t know what to do i feel like i am in denial big time… and not accepting because of society or fears i have is it so … even when i tell myself i am straight i know it I don’t believe it i just can’t and if so much doubt and so many thoughts don’t mean anything why do they feel so strong and real pls help… am i straight or not do i want to be or not?!? What is this?! Other people know the answers why don’t i I genuinely feel like i am in denial and i am not accepting cause it feels like i want it feels so real and idk what to do….people wouldn’t question if they wouldn’t doubt and then if they doubt that means there some truth to it?!? Why am i not okay with this or am i and just avoiding it.. i am sorry to whoever’s reading this cause i put you through so much i need help…

Sexual Orientation OCD

Brian K.

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 3y

Hi Brave through, even though one of my sub types is not typically SOCD, I have had random thought pop in my mind like this out of nowhere before. There was one particular one I remember early on during my therapy where I went over to IT with a question and a thought popped in about whether I found a new guy there attractive or not. Caught me way off guard and not something I was used to thinking and then it took me down a similar rabbit hole for days about wondering about if my entire life was a lie and if that’s why I never found someone and that’s why my marriage failed, etc…just doubting everything. Like @Janajana said I started thinking about my first crushes and whether I had had these feeling before, etc…. But I had to remind myself that I am now my intrusive thoughts, and even if it was true so what, I was still me and that would never change. Much like my other subtypes I practiced ERP and tried not to pay any mind to these thoughts and make them have more power over me and eventually they faded into the background. My OCD likes to keep me on my toes and switch themes and types at a whim, especially when there is a lull in my anxiety and I am not feeding it the doubt it craves. Stay strong and you can get through this. Best wishes and take care.

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

Hey thanks for this but even those sudden intrusive thoughts feel like i want it like its normal to be and has always been and i am calm about it and don’t act on it and it shouldn’t feel like that right?!? Normal and okay because if it does then its true like i saw this girl sad and i was like oh i wish i could help her and I don’t know now in what way am I denying the way I thought it should be cause I don’t want to agree but i still had that thought or was it something else and its my ocd kicking in like I don’t understand cause why after a min of that I won’t think about it and not pay attention to it like its normal and happens every day and i feel like when i get these thoughts i know they are okay and normal but because ik how ocd works and i am constantly trying to say its just ocd i force the compulsions to reassure myself whereas i am supposed to be afraid of denial am i ?!? Cause other people even with ocd would have like intrusive thoughts what I usually have feel like emotional thoughts mixed with feeling or idk if thats true I can’t separate the truth from the intrusive thoughts and i say they feel so real and emotional they must be true cause thoughts are thoughts they have no meaning and why would i address meaning with them that would mean its true right and because somewhere i feel it is and if i am confident it must be ?! What do i do?!? Is this even ocd or some hallucination?!?

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

Lastly is this ocd at all or just denial cause I genuinely feel its not ocd and when i use the word genuinely it would mean something right… cause i feel i am trying to constantly convince myself and others to tell me its denial cause its eaiser i am tired i need help if i am noticing guys and girls the same way there’s only one explanation and i am not accepting it…..

Janajana

Date posted: 3y

Oh I feel you but remember yourself before that thought. Everything was fine . Now hold on onto that. Do not scroll so much trough social media like tik tok and Instagram. Go out , go jogging act like you are „straight“ even if it feels like big denial. I know that feeling it’s okay that it is tough, but try this one day and tell me about it :)

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Janajana I am want to and i will and thankyou just to know that i am not alone is a blessing its so hard and torturous thinking about the days nothing like this existed for me 3 years ago and today questioning all that as a lie too makes it so so difficult considering the childhood fun same sex experience that i have had doesn’t make it any easier cause that always comes to me as proof like you did like it thats why it happened and today these thoughts are just telling you that and the past is a proof its so convincing idk what to do from there

Janajana

Date posted: 3y

Which gender had your first crush? Did you layed in bed and thought about how you want to be with a girl before this ? No ? There you have your answer you are straight. Today’s social media is so crazy it even got to a trend that everyone is something. I‘m sorry you are going trough this I have the same fear about my gender identity. Wishing you the best.

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

Thankyou but its like someone here commented sexuality changes and it can change with time you can learn later and my friend who is a bi before she came out she also liked boys and still does and is dating a girl so if its like that then what?!? Like what if it works like that?!? And also me thinking about both the genders the similar way is it ocd or because it actually means something because they feel so real and natural is it something i am just denying?!?

Janajana

Date posted: 3y

@Brave through I thought about Beeing with women too but I think a lot of this stuff has to do with trends because I think if you are got out of puberty straight I think your brain will biologically remain that way. Beeing romanticly or sexually attracted are too different things, I think women are so hot too :)

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

Also your questions even if i have not thought of any of that i still think i have and its like I don’t even remember feeling what i felt for guys was real nothing feels real anymore its so so hard one mili second of peace before its worse again.. I question everything what if one day i have thoughts what would that mean did i like that and in my previous posts too i have written what if i liked it i might and people have commented thats okay live with the uncertainty but does that mean i am what i am running from and they know it and are trying to tell me that?!? Idk if this is ocd but whatever it is its driving me crazy

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Janajana Its so hard to not question like what if its emotional too romantic too what if it happens in the future cause i saw a video of this girl coming out in denial where this other girl helped her accept it what if something like that happens to me and its just so hard to live with the uncertainty why cant i and if i think if living with the uncertainty do i not need answers am i okay with being what i fear or do i even fear it its endless if something has to happen and i am thinking about it so much why don’t i have an answer to all these questions rn if i doubt so much does it mean anything i am tired and i am so sorry you had to read that rant:(((

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Brave through Thankyou though i just appreciate you reading this means a lot:))

Janajana

Date posted: 3y

@Brave through No I really like to help no problem :) As I said a lot of people do things on social media and a lot of it is mixed and messes with our feelings. Did you ever dated a guy or made out with one? Did you feel aroused and happy ? Even if you think you faked those feelings did you felt that way ? That’s enough to know you are straight. I do not want to reassure you too much but I know OCD can really, really convince you something you have never been. Just because on social media Someone tried to help a girl doesn’t mean you are her . Maybe she had a lot of girl crushes before and thought about it since she was little. If you have got this far with Beeing with guys then please do not worry. Continue to fake it till you make it I guess it could really help girl :)

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Janajana Thankyou so much i am grateful:)

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Janajana And i too wish nothing but the absolute best for you and for all of us to come out of this stronger than ever

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

idkwhatusern...

Date posted: 16w

I’m questioning sexuality even though I’m young

Sort of a rant that probably sounds stupid and I’m kind of seeking reassurance… I’m still a relatively young teenager so I know I’ve got time to work all this out but I’m really confused about my sexuality. (I’m a girl) I’ve never been in a relationship (I don’t know if I want to be which is why I’m writing this) and sometimes I feel like I’ve never really had a crush and I just convinced myself that I did because I wanted to feel normal… but then maybe that’s false memory ocd??? I don’t really want to be in a long term relationship with a guy and idk about girls but idk if that’s just cos of my age??? Some days I hate the idea of ever dating, marrying or doing anything sexual. Other days I wish my mental / physical health was better so I could date someone! Everything I feel goes up and down a lot and idk why!? I have bad sexual intrusive thoughts that make me unsure whether anything that I think is real and my parents recently split up after not getting along for a few years. I don’t know if it’s my age, my ocd, my parents bad relationship, my sexuality (am I attracted to guys, girls? Am I ace!!!!???) Or something else but I have no idea who I am and I KNOW I’m young and have time but some other perspectives might help???? Can I ever be in a relationship if I have ocd like this? Also I’m really struggling not to compulsively seek reassurance and I don’t know who to talk to about all this irl I know I probably shouldn’t share this with random strangers but also idek if I care anymore 😭

anonymous00981

Date posted: 12w

Can someone talk to me please

I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!

Sexual Orientation OCD

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