Thread
Whyyocd
7d ago
  • Sexual Orientation OCD

Groinal responses really hold me back :( it’s what makes me feel like I’m just in denial

Igot12This
7d ago
Your me and then I start having thoughts with the response that’s like you it like you know you do and then I’m like that’s not an intrusive thought that’s me saying t that and I start freaking out my chest starts to feel heavy and I just start think I’m denial and I feel like that the rest of my day from when I wake up to when I sleep mornings are the worst for me sometimes I’m able to put my thoughts aside for a bit but then back to that feeling that I’m lying to myself I don’t have ocd I’m in denial
Whyyocd
7d ago
I know what you mean 🥺 I was actually doing pretty good for a couple days. I hardly had any intrusive thoughts and groinal responses and if I did I was able to just let it pass. Like I started feeling confident in who I was. But then I asked my bf a question the day before yesterday and his response ended up triggering me (obviously on accident) and then I started having a lot of groinal responses again which then are followed by intrusive thoughts. And feeling like I’m in denial :(
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd Right once you start to feel confident you feel better and then there’s that voice that says your gay in denial for me I feel like I’ve been really bad for a week I feel like a shell of myself when I have the anexiety and heavy chest I can’t eat I feel tired all the time I want to sleep to avoid all this then I’ll look back in my life and try to reassure myself I’m not but that only lasts so long then it’s back to but why did you pay attention to that picture to much or why did you react like that you must like it your gay then it’s starts up my anexiety again like a loop I just wanna be myself again I wanna have control of my life
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd Sorry for venting it’s just been a really riff week for me
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This No you’re totally fine! When did this theme start for you? I use to feel like that a lot in the beginning
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd it all started in 7th grade after watching this one show that had a gay couple in it then I started questioning my sexualityand stressing and freaking out about it and it eventually went away but came back after one of my friends told me his mom left his dad for a women then it started up again . Then it’s stopped after I got into a relationship I mean the thought was there still but i feel like since my relationship was new I didn’t pay much attention to it then it came back again when I was pregnant and was really bad I felt depressed and I avoided my room cause that’s where I’d get my anexiety at the most I’d always try to leave my house I’d wake up freaking out like what if I’m gay and I feel warm and heavy chest . But now this time it came back I’m convinced that I’m in denial
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This Omg I’m so sorry! 🥺 mine started this year in June. I really like k pop and my dad always said they looked like girls. One time we were having dinner and the conversation came up again and he was like you should just come out already. And the thought “what if I’m gay” came into my head. I was avoiding everything and I couldn’t eat. Came to college and the groinal responses were terrible. Intrusive thoughts too. I was so scared about seeing my bf (he’s in the military). Things went really good with him but now that he’s gone it’s hard again. And idk if I have relationship ocd or not but I’ll have moments where I’ll freak out about that too. I had other themes before this. They started fall 2018. Feel free to vent to me whenever you’d like :) I don’t mind at all!
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd It the worst especially been afraid to see your boyfriend recently now I’d be with mine I’d feel like I was there but my mind wasn’t it was focused on all these thoughts about being gay or what If I’m lying to myself that I like him and that I’m straight what if I’m in a fake relationship then I’d stress during our intimacy like do I actually like it or am I faking it or after having a good intimacy I’d feel more relaxed about the thougths then they’d come back what if you didn’t like it and you were just telling and making yourself think you did or if it wasnt good I’d see it as a sign that I’m gay and Thankyou it means a lot I’ve been feeling so alone all I wanna do I cry it’s hard cause I’m also a mother and to feel down like this and still have to keep pushing is very exhausting Id love to hear more of your expirence if your comfortable with sharing it with
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This Totally understand feeling alone :( If you have any questions you can ask me!!! Have you ever done therapy for this?
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd No i haven’t but at this point it’s gotten so bad I feel like I need to .back when I was in school I remember one of the therapists said one of things I was describing to him sounded like ocd but I told him no cause I’m not a clean freak I didn’t know there was so many themes to this
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This I didn’t either! I think you should definitely at least try! It can only help ya know? I believe it’s helped me but I still have my bad days. One thing I noticed I don’t like doing is telling anyone that I’m doing better because I feel like I’ll jinx it and it’ll get bad again lol
Igot12This
6d ago
@Whyyocd Yess I feel you .I’ve noticed that’s one I start feeling better through out my day and don’t have that heavy feeling on my chest I kinda tell my self like this won’t last long your gonna feel worse again .and mornings are horrible especially rn like my thoughts are consumed with that I’m gay and this keeps on coming back cause I’m hiding the truth from myself and then I start freaking out and feel scared
Igot12This
6d ago
@Whyyocd I felt like I triggered myself by looking at these images on Instagram and I’d look at the women first so then my mind would be like only gay people focus on the girl more then the there was this one image that I felt like I liked but I didn’t want to have sex with the girl I just found the picture sexy then i read the comments and people were like I wish the guy she was hugging was naked too and then I’m like how come I’m not wishing that and then my head was like cause your gay deep down you desire that
Igot12This
6d ago
@Whyyocd Like I said at this point I just feel like I’m hiding that I’m gay cause the thought of being gay or having to come out scares me cause I don’t feel like I have control anymore of my thoughts that’s all I think about and then I read that people who are gay are just scared of coming out then I think omg I fit into that category cause I must be gay these thoughts have invaded my sleep till the point where I wake up and tell myself your living a lie you are gay then I just start feeling sick
Igot12This
6d ago
@Whyyocd I don’t feel like myself i hate being consumed by these thoughts and mind can never let me settle on one thing or rest it’s constantly going I always have the thought I’m lying to myself and the thought comes up all the time sometimes a certain song an my thoughts will be like that’s you cause your lying to yourself about being gay like everythought is about being gay or that I’m in denial I can’t even think a guy is cute anymore without the thought your lying to yourself coming into my head when before I was able too
Igot12This
7d ago
*ruff
Igot12This
7d ago
Also would you find yourself doing traditions so bad things wouldn’t happen i felt like if I didn’t pray and knock 4 times on my wall and my bed and floor that I was going to have a bad day .and I felt the times i didn’t do that my day would be horrible
Whyyocd
7d ago
In the beginning it was washing my comforter and changing clothes every day or taking a shower when my anxiety got really bad
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd I thought It was just me lol like I have to do 4 pumps of shampoo and conditioner or use the same ones until they run out I’ve noticed my compulsions got better thoe like im able to an extra pump and things will be okay
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd Do you still have them
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This No those compulsions are gone for me. Well I guess except for the shower one. Whenever I feel super anxious I’ll go take a hot shower. It’s like I’m washing it all away or something. My main compulsion is ruminations for sure
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd Rummination is a compulsion ? Cause I’m not sure if I do that I just feel like this is all I think about 24/7 like these thoughts consume me but rn that I’m talking about it I feel better and no anxiety I feel like a load off of me
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This You thinking about it all the time is rumination! And it is. And yes it’s reassuring to talk to someone else about this stuff because you don’t feel alone and like you’re in denial since someone else is experienceing the same thing. I feel better too lolll but we’re not supposed to seek reassurance because that’s a compulsion too and it will keep the cycle going.
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd Wow I didn’t know I thought it’s just me overthinking like normal and your right but today I feel like needed this i felt so horrible anxious and filled with panic that I was actually gay
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This I understand! Therapy slowly keeps you from doing compulsions. It doesn’t happens all at once :)
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd It feels good to be able to talk to someone about how I feel instead of keeping it bottled up I felt like I was gonna explode i would tell myself I just want to be me again and have control of my life or at least feel like I did
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This I feel better talking to someone about it too! I say stuff like that in my head too! Like for me I want things to go back to like how they use to be
Igot12This
6d ago
@Whyyocd How come my hocd was never this bad before like I was able to get over it for a while or was I able to get over it cause im actually gay in denial and don’t want to face it
Whyyocd
6d ago
@Igot12This I ask myself the same thing! Except with other themes. It was easier for the other themes to go away but this one hasn’t yet
Igot12This
5d ago
@Whyyocd Hey sorry for bugging but I feel like I need to talk to someone I feel overwhelmed rn
Whyyocd
5d ago
@Igot12This It’s okay! What’s up?!
Igot12This
5d ago
@Whyyocd I just feel like this isn’t ocd I feel like I’m losing who I am i woke up this morning with intense anexiety I felt like crying last night I was testing myself with some photos and I think I liked them and the thoughts didn’t help at all and started freaking out convinced that I’m gay and I tried going asleep and eventually did but the thoughts follow me there and this time were saying you desire them and you are gay just come out and woke up scared and convinced I’m gay in denial then to top it off I read Reddit and quora and then people were saying this isn’t real and that we’re just in deep denial of who we are
Igot12This
5d ago
@Whyyocd Then I start looking into my past and I think that’s it’s all true but I never had crushes on girls or when I’d go out they never caught my attention only guys did
Whyyocd
5d ago
@Igot12This I use to wake up feeling like that too! We just have to sit with the uncertainty of it unfortunately. I think you should really try therapy! Stop checking and looking for reassurance! It only makes things worse in the long run :(
Igot12This
5d ago
@Whyyocd I had my first free call with the NOCD therapist and it felt so good to tell someone how I’m feeling I cried to her and I’m looking into therapy with them but I don’t think my insurance covers it :( .and your right I feel like it is making me feel worse like I’m to the point where almost no reassurance is helping anymore what helped you cope with the uncertainty ?
Whyyocd
5d ago
@Igot12This Exactly! Because nothing satisfies us. So we feel relief for a little while but then another what if question comes to us that will cancel out what relieved us. And it just keep going until there’s nothing left except to sit with the uncertainty. It’s still hard somtimes. Like today I woke up pretty anxious. I’ve been feeling more like myself and it’s been good with my boyfriend when I’m on ft with him (like no intrusive thoughts and etc). But sometimes I’ll get triggered thinking about all of my past thoughts and whether or not it’s actually OCD and etc. Something that has helped is thinking about how things have gotten better when I just let the anxiety sit there and then it all goes away eventually. Like I’ve thought a thought so many times it’s able to go away eventually because I get bored. Or I just stop caring. I obviously do care but you get to a point where you’re like well… idk what to do anymore. I know who I’ve always been and now there’s all this anxiety and etc. So I’m going to live my life the way I’ve always have. Of course even writing this my brain is like you’re just lying to yourself but I honestly believe once you’ve heard it enough, it goes away. When I also have to sit with uncertainty, I like to do things like paint or watch a show and etc :)
Igot12This
5d ago
@Whyyocd I hope you see my reply lol I forgot to @ you in my long response that why 😂
Igot12This
7d ago
Also I felt if I didn’t pray In the shower something bad would happen like I’d argue with my family or boyfriend or my baby wouldn’t be okay when I went to the doctors to check on the pregnancy and I noticed when I don’t do those things bad things would happen
Whyyocd
7d ago
When I was going through religious OCD I dealt more with things like this
Igot12This
7d ago
@Whyyocd Honestly I never would of thought this was religious ocd or ocd at all I just thought in my head it cause you didn’t pray or you were to lazy to pray
Whyyocd
7d ago
@Igot12This Literally same. I just thought I had really bad anxiety and that there was something wrong with me because of the thoughts
Igot12This
7d ago
I didn’t know praying can be a compulsion .and I just don’t want to feel like I’m using ocd as an excuse cause I don’t want to be gay or face the fact that maybe I am in denial then I start to freak out
Whyyocd
7d ago
In therapy, you learn how to deal with your anxiety with questions like that. I know exactly what you mean. I’ve had anxiety that I’m just using OCD as an excuse
Igot12This
6d ago
@Whyyocd I just need help at this point I’m completely mentally and physically drained I don’t know where to begin is there somethings I can try myself that can help me beat this
Igot12This
5d ago
@Whyyocd Sorry for the lengthy post btw :(
Igot12This
5d ago
Yess it’s like my mind is finding reasons for me to panic and freak out like it’s constantly looking non stop and then it finds “ eveidence” that I am gay and I’m just hiding it cause I reacted to a video a ceratain way and if I don’t have a reaction to that “evidence “or try to figure it out that means it’s real then I get scared and even more panicky .and really must be nice I can’t talk to my baby’s dad without having thoughts that want me to say oh I’m gay your or yeah your baby’s mom thinks she gay and I just want to talk to him normal but I can’t or when I try to tell him I love him or miss him or that i want to hangout my mind says I’m lying and I’m just with him so I won’t have to face the fact that I’m gay but I feel sad cause I do love him and want to be with him .and then to top it off we have a rocky relationship and now I’m using that ass proof that it’s cause I’m gay that’s why we argue and fight .and I try to stop caring but when I do I feel like that’s me being in denial .but I felt like the last time I had this I did get tired of thought and stopped freaking out so much like Id still freak out and overthink when looking and pics and vids of women but it wouldn’t bother me that much anymore plus I was having a baby so I guess you can say my mind was occupied and more worried about my baby plus I had postpartum depression and the intrusive thought of I was gay was still there but like I payed less attention to it you know what I mean I just wanted my depression to go away and I wanted to love my baby .and i can’t focus on tv or anything maybe I should try finding a hobby maybe that would help me a lot ! And I even quit my job cause I felt like my anexiety was horrible there and I was always testing myself with looking at the customers plus I hated the job to lol and and right when you try to say you’ve been living your life the way you wanted there goes our head telling us nope your lying to yourself this is all lie.but Thankyou so much for helping me by giving me tips and hearing me it really mean alot to me !
Whyyocd
5d ago
Of course!! I really hope you can get therapy. I think it would benefit you a lot!!! :) and I’m sorry for the late reply! I’ve been cleaning and getting ready to see my family for lunch! Happy thanksgiving by the way!!! 🥺✨
Igot12This
5d ago
@Whyyocd Thankyou so much and it’s okay happy thanksgiving !😌
Igot12This
4d ago
@Whyyocd Hey sorry for always bugging you I just don’t have anyone to talk to and I feel horrible and you really help take a look back and try to relax
Whyyocd
4d ago
@Igot12This You’re totally fine! What’s up!
Whyyocd
4d ago
@Whyyocd ?*
Jesse Miller
Yesterday
When the groinal responses start happening, instead of questioning why, just allow them to happen. You don’t need to solve it or question it. Accept that you don’t have an answer as to why it’s happening. Soon enough it’ll pass. Just sit with it while it’s occurring.
Whyyocd
Yesterday
Thank you :)