It’s hurts so much. It won’t go away no matter what I do or what anyone tells me. I’m a failure and my mind keeps telling me I’m a monster who needs to be punished over a mistake I made maybe 4 or 5 years ago. I don’t remember when exactly but I do know I had no bad intentions back then and I certainly don’t now. I was so stupid. I should of known better but it didn’t even cross my mind! How could I have been so dumb! I’ve talked to my mom and my first therapist about it but it just stays there in my head haunting me in every way it can and honestly I can’t take it anymore. I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m exhausted and I just want it to go away. It really really hurts. How could I have been so stupid back then!? Why?! I’m at the end of my rope I can’t take much more 💔

It’s never been this bad before. I feel like I’ll never get better. Every day I remember new things to feel guilty about and new fears pop into my head. What if I get doxxed? What if I said something online that could get me in trouble? What if I was hacked? What if someone is looking through every post, every message, every account I’ve ever made. I feel like I’ve dug myself into a hole and there is no way out. I’m 21, I keep thinking “no one will have grace for you because of your age. You are an adult. You should have know better. You don’t deserve to get better”

I know I shouldn’t and I’m trying not to ask for reassurance but how do I deal with this when I made real event mistakes in childhood? I’ve opened up to my cousin about this who’s an adult and believes that kids can be influenced at a young age and mimic things that they see and friends and my therapist. They all see the good in me and my stupid childhood mistakes but the guilt is very strong and even though I’ve opened up It’s telling me to open up more and more and I don’t know what else it wants from me.

I need to find a solution fast to stop this way I’m living but I don’t think it’s possible, I’m in a constant state of pain from being tormented with guilt and warped memories. I know some of the memories to be true and some are all jumbled together so they get warped. It kills me to not know if I’m evil or not , I’m always thinking of the bad things I did when I was like 13 and didn’t know much about what’s truly right and wrong. I just feel like such a bad bad person , I don’t want any form of relationships at all because then I’ll have to confess everything bad I believe I’ve done or else I’m lying to them about who I am. I don’t really want therapy because I’m not confessing these memories or thoughts to a stranger especially because I’m only 16 and very socially awkward so I won’t be able to open up about this at all. I keep most of all of this in secrecy because I know nothing truly gets rid of the guilt. I also don’t allow myself any sympathy anymore because I just think I don’t deserve that either because evil people don’t deserve any empathy , it’s so hard to live with this. I just needed to get this off my chest since I’ve got no one to talk too