It’s hurts so much. It won’t go away no matter what I do or what anyone tells me. I’m a failure and my mind keeps telling me I’m a monster who needs to be punished over a mistake I made maybe 4 or 5 years ago. I don’t remember when exactly but I do know I had no bad intentions back then and I certainly don’t now. I was so stupid. I should of known better but it didn’t even cross my mind! How could I have been so dumb! I’ve talked to my mom and my first therapist about it but it just stays there in my head haunting me in every way it can and honestly I can’t take it anymore. I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m exhausted and I just want it to go away. It really really hurts. How could I have been so stupid back then!? Why?! I’m at the end of my rope I can’t take much more 💔

Does anyone feel like they’re fighting a war inside of them? I’ve slowly opened up to people about my past and things that happened ( I never thought I would ) but at times, I value truth and honesty and wanting to be a good person and this is something I just want to let go of because I’ve suffered with the guilt and shame and regret but my mind keeps on dwelling on it and bringing it back. Like I’m a fraud. This implies to all my mistakes that I’ve learned from. I normally tell my mom things but I don’t want to tell her these things. I love her and don’t want to bring shame upon my family or for this to be brought up over and over again. I did stupid things without logically thinking and I have the best mom ever and she trusted me with things when I was younger. I made mistakes with that trust and it makes me upset. I now feel like I’m ideally the “ideal” kid for my family and I wish to stay like that no matter my age. I’ve been trying to mange with my childhood mistakes. The shame and guilt. I’m trying to be a bit more compassionate but there’s always the thought that scares me, what if I was really evil? I used to hate looking at pictures of myself when I was younger but now when I do, I finally realize what they meant by “you aren’t your worst mistake” because I’ve done good and I’ve also screwed up. But I feel like I’m fighting a war with myself because I value justice and truth and so but I don’t even wanna talk about this or bring it up and my mind keeps targeting it and it’s exhausting.

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.

I’ve posted something vulnerable here before and I’m trying to ride out the wave of reassurance where it’s getting at me and I’m scared of sitting still with nobody to talk to about this at the moment I genuinely think it would be easier if I wasn’t around. I view my friends as pure compared to me and I’m the most impurest. I feel like this would do a favour to stop being here I don’t know what to do, I really don’t know. I’m literally alone in this and I’m getting tired. How do you deal with stupid choices that you made as a child? I’m trying to be understanding of past mistakes but it’s gut wrenching to try and accept to say and admit you did it knowing you’ll spend the rest of your life with that guilt..is there another perspective to this..???