I’m just feeling so incredibly awful right now. Someone on a discord server I’m in admitted that a few years ago they were sexually rping with a minor. They didn’t find out they were a minor until now, nor had they ever asked previously, and they themself were also a minor (both then and now). Someone brought up loli in relation and I just felt myself freeze. Because years ago I had found shota and had masturbated to it (I don’t think I understood fully what it was at the time but when I think back on it now there’s not a whole lot of room for misunderstanding) and I just feel so horrible. I had found it during a previous OCD spike of a different obsession and I wonder if I did it as a horrible sort of bad coping mechanism. Doesn’t matter now. I hate that it happened. I hate that I ever looked at it. I wish I could go back to before and slap myself. No one on that discord knows about what I just mentioned, nor will they ever. I never even really thought about that stuff until this spike that I’ve been in for about a year now. And now I’m super scared. I know I’ve never wanted or desired anything like that. I’ve always wanted older men or men my age. But now I just feel so disgusted and horrible and ashamed and I’m crying and I don’t know what to do. I know when I’ve compulsed myself into realizing that I’m not an actual and that I’ve never wanted that stuff I felt immense relief and felt like my normal self. But times like now where I feel just so disgusted and feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and that I’ve just been in denial this entire time when I know I have not. I know that when I heard about an actual getting caught before this spike I felt horrified and disgusted and couldn’t understand why people would do that. But now I get these intrusive thought like “you want that too, just admit it.” But I don’t! Dare I say I don’t even feel like I truly know who I am anymore. Before I was so happy to be an aunt and wanted to spend time with my niece as much as I could, and I always made sure to play with my little cousins and I’ve loved them so much. But now my brain is like “you’ve always secretly wanted to do inappropriate things to them” but I’m pretty sure I haven’t! The only thing I can think of is suddenly getting an intrusive thought like that when around them but not really paying it much mind (like you’re supposed to), and it’s just me remembering that now. Idk. Who knows. And even me saying that I don’t want it or never wanted it feels half-hearted, not certain like it used to (which I know, OCDs doing). Ive even been feeling groinals responses, which don’t really feel anything like true arousal (ive felt what true arousal feels like, and this ain’t it, chief. And I felt that true arousal with guys older or same age). Hell I’ve played romance games where I know all of the romance options are of age (and the games are rated for 18+ so I would HOPE there wouldn’t be any romanceable minors) yet one of them I’ll pass on because their overall presence just makes me feel like they’re too young and I only see them as like a little sibling or even as like my adopted child lol I know I’m rambling. I think I just compulsed myself to calmness, so……whoops. But I felt like I just needed to get it all out anyway because I felt like I was going to explode :/

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.

18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.