I’m just feeling so incredibly awful right now. Someone on a discord server I’m in admitted that a few years ago they were sexually rping with a minor. They didn’t find out they were a minor until now, nor had they ever asked previously, and they themself were also a minor (both then and now). Someone brought up loli in relation and I just felt myself freeze. Because years ago I had found shota and had masturbated to it (I don’t think I understood fully what it was at the time but when I think back on it now there’s not a whole lot of room for misunderstanding) and I just feel so horrible. I had found it during a previous OCD spike of a different obsession and I wonder if I did it as a horrible sort of bad coping mechanism. Doesn’t matter now. I hate that it happened. I hate that I ever looked at it. I wish I could go back to before and slap myself. No one on that discord knows about what I just mentioned, nor will they ever. I never even really thought about that stuff until this spike that I’ve been in for about a year now. And now I’m super scared. I know I’ve never wanted or desired anything like that. I’ve always wanted older men or men my age. But now I just feel so disgusted and horrible and ashamed and I’m crying and I don’t know what to do. I know when I’ve compulsed myself into realizing that I’m not an actual and that I’ve never wanted that stuff I felt immense relief and felt like my normal self. But times like now where I feel just so disgusted and feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and that I’ve just been in denial this entire time when I know I have not. I know that when I heard about an actual getting caught before this spike I felt horrified and disgusted and couldn’t understand why people would do that. But now I get these intrusive thought like “you want that too, just admit it.” But I don’t! Dare I say I don’t even feel like I truly know who I am anymore. Before I was so happy to be an aunt and wanted to spend time with my niece as much as I could, and I always made sure to play with my little cousins and I’ve loved them so much. But now my brain is like “you’ve always secretly wanted to do inappropriate things to them” but I’m pretty sure I haven’t! The only thing I can think of is suddenly getting an intrusive thought like that when around them but not really paying it much mind (like you’re supposed to), and it’s just me remembering that now. Idk. Who knows. And even me saying that I don’t want it or never wanted it feels half-hearted, not certain like it used to (which I know, OCDs doing). Ive even been feeling groinals responses, which don’t really feel anything like true arousal (ive felt what true arousal feels like, and this ain’t it, chief. And I felt that true arousal with guys older or same age). Hell I’ve played romance games where I know all of the romance options are of age (and the games are rated for 18+ so I would HOPE there wouldn’t be any romanceable minors) yet one of them I’ll pass on because their overall presence just makes me feel like they’re too young and I only see them as like a little sibling or even as like my adopted child lol I know I’m rambling. I think I just compulsed myself to calmness, so……whoops. But I felt like I just needed to get it all out anyway because I felt like I was going to explode :/