TW Pocd 18+ I’m so scared if I violated my niece in some way. A long time ago I remember I kept tickling her and she was getting mad and I wouldn’t stop I mean eventually I did but I’m so scared that it makes me a monster because as a teenager I had a weird fetish about that and now when I think back of when I did that I’m scared what if I had weird feelings like arousal which if I did it had nothing to do with her but because I used to have a tickling fetish. But I keep thinking because of it, or if ive violated or hurt her in some way because I was just being silly or stupid and I really meant no harm. What do I do? I’m absolutely terrified. It’s so embarrassing to talk about

My real event loves to add things and make it worse than it was, false memory is also incredibly debilitating

Thank you for understanding. I’m so scared because I just kept doing it and it’s because I had a weird fetish as a teenager I feel like I’ve hurt her or violated her in some way or what if I was aroused by it which I don’t think I was I just keep thinking what if. That part of it could be a false memory I’m not sure but I’m so scared what if I was and what if I’m a monster because of all of it. I was so stupid when I was young. There’s so much I struggled with all because I was so introverted and depressed growing up which is no excuse but still. Anyways I’m praying to God I can get passed all of it and live my life the way I would like to without feeling all this guilt all the time. I was in bed all day long on my day off I even had things to do and I did nothing but lay in bed depressed all day thinking I’m a horrible monster which can’t be normal. I want my life back but I feel I don’t deserve this life anymore

@Just Breathe ❤️ I definitely know how you feel, I thought being in charge of making the food for thanksgiving would help me and make me feel happy as I saw people enjoy the food and be happy, but I just felt horrible. I think of how everyone there is such a good person, while not perfect, by no means bad, they’re all good. And it hurt so much, I feel like a fraud and hardly speak and just want to cry, but I try not to. I wake up in the morning and I’m hit with all the memories, feelings, fears, and guilt that I makes me feel like crap. I just genuinely think everyone would be better if I didn’t ever exist, and whether or not that true, I just wish I would die. I was a really gross kid and watched and thought a lot of inappropriate stuff, and again, not any amount of reassurance from loved ones had made me feel better. Maybe at first it helped for like a couple of hours maybe even a day, but now I don’t think I deserve nor do I ever feel good. I always feel like a burden. It’s really, really painful. Especially since my older brother died last year and he was the most important person in my life, my best friend. And now I feel he knows all my terrible thoughts, past actions and hates and despises me, and I couldn’t blame him. Like I said, I sometimes wonder if it’s OCD or if I just deserve this. But reading all of your posts and others posts, I feel really bad because there are actual people who don’t deserve this disorder. Just know I don’t think you’re a bad person, you’re just human

@OCDHaver I’m so sorry you are going through this too. I don’t wish it on anyone. It’s painful and literally hurts everyday just like you said as soon as you wake up it all hits you at once and it’s so hard. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. Just know you are not alone about that too. I lost my brother when I was 14 and I lost my dad in February of this year to cancer and before my dad passed, I told him a lot about my ocd and I feel like I made everything about me and I feel like such a burden too because of it. I feel like my mom secretly hates me because of all I’ve told her and all the times I asked for reassurance. I see the way she talks to other people but when she’s around me, it’s like I instantly ruin her day just by being around her and I’m 22 almost 23 and still live with my mom and grandma. I want to leave and move out but that’s a whole another problem in itself not just being of not being financially able but because I get guilt tripped every time I even mention it. So it just really hurts. I wake up, go to work, come home and go to bed. Sometimes I hang out with my friends or my family but I feel like I’m trapped and scared all the time because of what I deal with on a daily basis mentally. I’m terrified what if I was a monster back then or now. What if I hurt or violated my little niece (who’s 11 now) and what if I will never be able to forgive myself. Am I making more of a big deal out of all of it? Maybe but it doesn’t make it hurt any less

@Just Breathe ❤️ - You have a LOT going on right now. I'm so sorry about your dad. Of course it's rough for you and your mom right now! I want to go on a big reassurance jag here, but I'm not going to because we both know it won't help, okay? But I hope you're in OCD-specific treatment or looking at how to get it, because *I* think you deserve help and *I* want you to feel better. I wish I'd gotten proper OCD treatment at your age, instead of just starting it now.

@Anonymous I really wish you could help though. I wish someone could tell me or help with what’s bothering me and I just keep hearing the same thing. I feel like it’s driving me insane. I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for being understanding though

@Just Breathe ❤️ That is a lot, my mom tries her best to help me and understand me as best she can, but it is really difficult for her as well. You and your mom have hone through a lot, and I hope the absolute best for you. I really wish there was a lot more I could say or do, but no matter what I say, just like no matter what anyone tells me, we’re not going to get better, I wish reassurance worked, but it sadly doesn’t work for us with OCD. But if you ever need to vent or get advise, there is a whole community here, sending you all the best!

@OCDHaver Thank you I wish you the best. Hope you feel better soon!

I just want someone to help. I’m so scared

@HOCDiagnosed I love to do art and play video games but I have no motivation to do those things that I enjoy anymore. I understand it’s just really hard to accept uncertainty. I’m not very good at it yet

@HOCDiagnosed Thank you I appreciate it and same goes to you!