- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
I struggle with real event about this as well, and it was actually when I was tickling my little cousin, I was 13. I have done a lot that I regret as well and it’s hard to enjoy good times or to have fun because I feel like a monster, a p, a sexual deviant of some kind. It’s the worst feeling ever, but like I said in your last post, you’re not a monster, the biggest lie we try to convince ourselves is about putting all our deeds and into black and white boxes, no one is actually ever “good” and while there are many people who are bad and evil, it’s usually just people who just make mistakes and do stupid things as kids and even adults. If everyone were to punish and ruminate on the worst of themselves like people with OCD, the world wouldn’t function anymore, OCD is a horrible disorder, just know you can move from this, if you have a therapist please talk to them about this, I know talking has helped me a great deal. I wish you love and support, the reason you feel like this is because you’re moral, you’re a good person with a good heart!
- Date posted
- 3y
My real event loves to add things and make it worse than it was, false memory is also incredibly debilitating
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for understanding. I’m so scared because I just kept doing it and it’s because I had a weird fetish as a teenager I feel like I’ve hurt her or violated her in some way or what if I was aroused by it which I don’t think I was I just keep thinking what if. That part of it could be a false memory I’m not sure but I’m so scared what if I was and what if I’m a monster because of all of it. I was so stupid when I was young. There’s so much I struggled with all because I was so introverted and depressed growing up which is no excuse but still. Anyways I’m praying to God I can get passed all of it and live my life the way I would like to without feeling all this guilt all the time. I was in bed all day long on my day off I even had things to do and I did nothing but lay in bed depressed all day thinking I’m a horrible monster which can’t be normal. I want my life back but I feel I don’t deserve this life anymore
- Date posted
- 3y
@Just Breathe ❤️ I definitely know how you feel, I thought being in charge of making the food for thanksgiving would help me and make me feel happy as I saw people enjoy the food and be happy, but I just felt horrible. I think of how everyone there is such a good person, while not perfect, by no means bad, they’re all good. And it hurt so much, I feel like a fraud and hardly speak and just want to cry, but I try not to. I wake up in the morning and I’m hit with all the memories, feelings, fears, and guilt that I makes me feel like crap. I just genuinely think everyone would be better if I didn’t ever exist, and whether or not that true, I just wish I would die. I was a really gross kid and watched and thought a lot of inappropriate stuff, and again, not any amount of reassurance from loved ones had made me feel better. Maybe at first it helped for like a couple of hours maybe even a day, but now I don’t think I deserve nor do I ever feel good. I always feel like a burden. It’s really, really painful. Especially since my older brother died last year and he was the most important person in my life, my best friend. And now I feel he knows all my terrible thoughts, past actions and hates and despises me, and I couldn’t blame him. Like I said, I sometimes wonder if it’s OCD or if I just deserve this. But reading all of your posts and others posts, I feel really bad because there are actual people who don’t deserve this disorder. Just know I don’t think you’re a bad person, you’re just human
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCDHaver I’m so sorry you are going through this too. I don’t wish it on anyone. It’s painful and literally hurts everyday just like you said as soon as you wake up it all hits you at once and it’s so hard. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. Just know you are not alone about that too. I lost my brother when I was 14 and I lost my dad in February of this year to cancer and before my dad passed, I told him a lot about my ocd and I feel like I made everything about me and I feel like such a burden too because of it. I feel like my mom secretly hates me because of all I’ve told her and all the times I asked for reassurance. I see the way she talks to other people but when she’s around me, it’s like I instantly ruin her day just by being around her and I’m 22 almost 23 and still live with my mom and grandma. I want to leave and move out but that’s a whole another problem in itself not just being of not being financially able but because I get guilt tripped every time I even mention it. So it just really hurts. I wake up, go to work, come home and go to bed. Sometimes I hang out with my friends or my family but I feel like I’m trapped and scared all the time because of what I deal with on a daily basis mentally. I’m terrified what if I was a monster back then or now. What if I hurt or violated my little niece (who’s 11 now) and what if I will never be able to forgive myself. Am I making more of a big deal out of all of it? Maybe but it doesn’t make it hurt any less
- Date posted
- 3y
@Just Breathe ❤️ - You have a LOT going on right now. I'm so sorry about your dad. Of course it's rough for you and your mom right now! I want to go on a big reassurance jag here, but I'm not going to because we both know it won't help, okay? But I hope you're in OCD-specific treatment or looking at how to get it, because *I* think you deserve help and *I* want you to feel better. I wish I'd gotten proper OCD treatment at your age, instead of just starting it now.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous I really wish you could help though. I wish someone could tell me or help with what’s bothering me and I just keep hearing the same thing. I feel like it’s driving me insane. I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for being understanding though
- Date posted
- 3y
@Just Breathe ❤️ That is a lot, my mom tries her best to help me and understand me as best she can, but it is really difficult for her as well. You and your mom have hone through a lot, and I hope the absolute best for you. I really wish there was a lot more I could say or do, but no matter what I say, just like no matter what anyone tells me, we’re not going to get better, I wish reassurance worked, but it sadly doesn’t work for us with OCD. But if you ever need to vent or get advise, there is a whole community here, sending you all the best!
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCDHaver Thank you I wish you the best. Hope you feel better soon!
- Date posted
- 3y
Comment deleted by user
- Date posted
- 3y
I just want someone to help. I’m so scared
- Date posted
- 3y
@HOCDiagnosed I love to do art and play video games but I have no motivation to do those things that I enjoy anymore. I understand it’s just really hard to accept uncertainty. I’m not very good at it yet
- Date posted
- 3y
@HOCDiagnosed Thank you I appreciate it and same goes to you!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
Worried about situation that happened with nephew new memory or not idk I'm scared Worried about situation that happened with nephew I'm so scared when I was holding my nephew I thought " I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him" ( not the exact words don't want to be extremely graphic) I began to bump him like how people bump babies on their hips he was on my stomach cuz that's how he was handed to me. Now I fear I remember also thinking if his diaper would stimulate his private part or something like that IDK LIKE I FEEL LIKE I REMEMBER THINKING THAT BUT ALSO DON'T??? LIKE O FEEL LIKE maybe I thought this at a different time for whatever weird reason but then I'm scared that it makes sense it would happen when I held him. Does it change the situation?????I feel extremely sick because I don't know why I would think that or if it was my brain or me. Idk if it was or wasn't cuz I felt his diaper against me? Was I curious if it would? It feels like I was curious but wth why???Was it just something weird I thought? Am I actually a monster? I had been having disturbing thoughts I'm pretty sure that were related to my POCD in general for a while before that. Ik my nephew didn't get hurt but I'm so scared why would I do something like that I feel so sick and disgusted. I know away from that situation I have no sexual interest or attraction towards him I'm just so freaked out and disgusted. I don't wanna be a bad person and I don't want my worst fear to be true.
- Date posted
- 22w
18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.
- Date posted
- 21w
TW! please someone comment When I was 12 or 13 I used to babysit a little girl, she had a habit of keeping her hand in her diaper and was always touching herself, there was one point I was changing her diaper and noticed she was really red. I had separated her private parts and checked the inner area for signs of infection. She was okay, just some really really bad diaper rash. I know this is what happened yet my brain is trying to convince me that I hurt her, and that I wanted to do it, I know I would never hurt a child but with all the anxiety I feel when I think about it I'm starting to wonder if I did do it because I wanted to hurt her, I don't wanna be a p, I don't wanna hurt innocent children, I used to never have these thoughts but now I do and I'm so scared to tell my therapist as she hasn't diagnosed me with ocd yet. I don't want her to think I'm a p nor do I wanna hurt kids, but my brain keeps telling me that I do and that I'm just lying to myself and everyone around me, ik I would never do something that could harm a child but I keep getting these thoughts and their inappropriate and I just want them to stop, does anyone have any tips on how to help myself? I keep turning to my boyfriend for reassurance but ik that that's just a quick fix and that ill be spiraling about it again.Please help
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