I kept telling myself over and over again… that I wasn’t in love with him… I kept telling myself I wanted to break up to see my reaction but now it’s like I don’t have a reaction anymore that ROCD has disappeared… yesterday I kept hearing my brain say ex or feeling like I truly wanted to run… it’s like I am in denial everyday… I don’t like this… 😞 I don’t wanna feel this way I have moments where I feel love and I’m happy…. But why can’t I feel that way all the time… I feel too normal TOO NORMAL… I hate it…

Yuuup….. this is the worst part and I have no idea why this feeling happens. Sometimes I picture him cheating on me and I have no reaction to that. It feels like I don’t care. The thought of being single sometimes makes me happy

I have had thousands of these thoughts, until just very recently when he told me he had been feeling unhappy in the relationship (partly due to my ocd confessions) and seemed to be indicating he might want to break up. In that moment all the thoughts I had flipped to the polar opposite: I didn’t want to break up, I DID love him. We thankfully resolved our thin ice situation but it was such a wake up call.