It’s been a really difficult past week, my real event, pocd, and false memory had been off the charts. I’ve had to call the suicide hotline several times and have had to talk with my friend and family about it all again, for reassurance and just to get an extra ear. They all reassure me which I know makes OCD worse, but it’s gotten to the point that where. I amount of reassurance helps anymore, my false memory is crazy and the only reason I absolutely know it’s false is because it makes no sense and out of all the checking that I’ve done. I’m terrified, I’m constantly questioning all of my intentions big or small and feel ashamed any time I’m slightly happy, I’m feeling hopeless, and I’m not asking for reassurance or to hear any kind words. I suppose I’m just venting. It’s been really difficult, hopefully my therapy appointment next week might help

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

I’m trying so hard to feel normal again but i cant i keep feeling like im being dramatic and that my symptoms aren’t real and im tricking everyone, even on here i feel like im tricking you all into believing i have OCD when i don’t. Plus all these other types thoughts im having all meshing together its so overwhelming and i dont know what to do. My therapist appointment isnt until next week and idek what shes gonna tell me or if she’ll even think i have OCD. i keep thinking about my other posts on here and wondering if i even meant what i said in them. this is the worst ive ever felt i think i might even be going through depersonalization or derealization but im not even sure about that i dont even know anything about what im really going through cause ive never been given any kind of formal diagnosis its only ever been depression and social anxiety but ive always had a feeling it was more but i keep doubting myself. maybe if anyone wants to look at some of my other posts and tell me what u think in general? or would that be reassurance seeking? i feel like most of my posts might be but im not sure.. IM NOT SURE ABOUT ANYTHING! this is so annoying