I don’t know if anyone here saw my posts from yesterday but the same things are still bothering me so much and I feel so much guilt. I tried my best today to stay busy and not ruminate but as soon as I got home, the guilt hit me. I don’t want to eat anything because I feel like I don’t deserve to eat and I feel like I have to confess to my mom or else I’m not going to feel better but every time I even try to talk to her, she gets mad and twists everything I say and makes it worse. I just want someone to help me and to be understanding. I feel so alone and scared it’s no joke

I understand I really do. I’m just frustrated and so sad. I hate myself. I wish I could go back in time and do things so much differently. I’m so scared what if I’ve done something terrible and there’s nothing I can do to change it. Maybe ocd is trying to convince me that’s true when maybe it’s not I don’t know but I feel so much guilt and dread

I’m so sorry I keep talking about this. I feel like I have to confess to my mom but I don’t want to ruin her day. The other day she told me over text that I am “ruining everyday” and it’s tore me up because I feel like I can’t go to her for help anymore. I’m just a burden to her now

@Just Breathe ❤️ That’s not right for your mother to say at all, I’m so sorry you don’t have someone to lean on. Just know that you’re not alone, I’ve been seeing how stressed and terrible you feel about this on your posts, and you don’t bother anyone here. I try to reply to as many posts as I can, it’s just some posts that others put on here either trigger me or I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. Do you have any place where you live where maybe there are OCD support groups?

@Just Breathe ❤️ You are not alone. I'm so sorry you tried to turn to your mother and she did not offer safety and support. You deserve that. Please try to be kind to yourself. I know how you feel- the guilt and the dread and the shame. So many of us do. Are you able to speak to an ocd therapist here? I think it would really help.

@OCDHaver She’s supportive most of the time. But sometimes I think I just stress her out too much and she’s been through a lot as so have I especially this time of year and she’s the big boss at her job and has so much pressure taking care of my family and working all the time. I just talked to her and she told me to let it go. That’s all she really tells me besides “You need to get healthy” like get on a diet or all the time she tells me to think positive and for someone with ocd that’s nearly impossible. I have a therapist here on NOCD and I thought about joining one of the groups here but I just haven’t got to it. I also haven’t had a session with my therapist because of not really being able to afford it right now but hopefully after the holidays I can get back on track it’s just really hard right now

@Clearwater Thank you I appreciate that. She’s supportive sometimes but she’s under a lot of stress and I feel like I just make it all worse for her. This time of year is hard because we lost my dad in February to his fight with cancer. So these past few years have taken a toll on my family. I have a therapist but right now I can’t afford it but I’m hoping after the holidays I can get back on track. In the meantime I just need to try to stay strong and work on erp myself

@Just Breathe ❤️ I'm proud of you and good for you for being so understanding of your mom. That's a strong display of compassion.

@Just Breathe ❤️ If you need someone to talk to, I’m here, I would say you could add me on Instagram, but remember your old posts said you don’t feel comfortable or too trusting of doing that, which is 100% okay, I definitely have that fear right now too. But just know I’m rooting for you and that you have someone who can relate a lot to the things you’ve posted

@Clearwater Thank you that means a lot 🥺

@OCDHaver Thank you I appreciate that and I would add people but when I added someone the other day, don’t get me wrong they were helpful but it’s about privacy reasons for me. I’m rooting for you too and I’m glad that I’m not alone although I wish I could take everyone’s pain away. If you need to talk I’m here too :)