My partner and I were doing stuff on the phone and it was so erotic and I was enjoying myself but then I had the thought, “Almost there but not quite” I immediately felt myself shut down and suddenly I was scared and grossed out. I hate myself , we were both really enjoying ourselves and my mind just pushed me completely out of the moment because I wanted something more but I don’t know what and this happens a lot I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am I always going to have that thought??? I was really enjoying myself 💔💔

Last night I was self pleasuring. I didn’t set out to think about anything weird but as I was doing it some pocd thoughts were in my brain. I did not get off to them, but I could have. Idk why that is but it is. Idk what to do and idk why I am this way. Is there some science about the brain while aroused or is it possible that the more gross or taboo something is I can like it?? Idk, just want to know if anyone can relate.

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

I pleasured myself to my intrusive thoughts while I was high as a teen and it felt so real like I genuinely wanted it and leaned into it, it genuinely felt like I enjoyed it and desired it but I’m not sure if I misinterpreted a groinal response and false arousal for desire and did it I don’t even want that stuff in reality nor do I seek it out but I feel like it stains me forever and I cannot be loved or accepted or be a normal human anymore and that my life is over, I don’t know what to do, it felt like it was automatic and it all just happened and then I “snapped back” into reality once it was done and it all hit me like a truck. Does anyone else know if this is a thing or if they’ve had similar experiences? Please help me it feels like I’m dying here. I want to die