I hate uncertainty over real events. I’m trying so hard not to go back and analyze the situation. I know I’m not viewing the situation correctly and there’s a cognitive distortion, yet it still gives me so much anxiety.

I’m trying to live with uncertainty but it doesn’t feel right. The “I may or may not be bi/gay” really sucks because I can’t stop ruminating, analyzing, or checking. This especially sucks because I feel like literally EVERYTHING in my life leads to the fact that I’m a fraud which feels horrible. I can’t even talk to my friends the way I used to without feeling like I’m lying about myself. The false attraction and loss of attraction to men is literally horrible because now I feel like the life i fantasized for myself isn’t something I want.

I’m having a hard time this morning. I’m always living this anxiety of what if I harmed my son on a specific occasion. I know that I’ve look at it a million times and no amount of ruminating is going to give me the 100% assurance that I am looking for. It’s just hard when it ties in with my religious OCD and thinking that there may be sin here that I need to repent of. It’s like I’m holding onto it and I just don’t know what to do.

How do you guys handle uncertainty? I keep having so many what if thoughts and I feel so bad. The worst ones are what if I act on my intrusive thoughts or actually want them and I can’t tell if they’re me or not. It just feels so real and at this point I don’t even know if they’re intrusive thoughts anymore. I just want to not be a bad person and not feel like this anymore.