What was your thought process before you put your hands up. To your face. What was happening before. I was pulling a cart and that new guy was behind me. I had the stupid cart that kept smacking into everything so I was being very careful with it because I didn't want to seem like an idiot. After that I dropped the cart off anf was walking back to get a new one. I had already blew into my hands one because it was cold but I saw this guy and decided to do it again. I don't really remember my thought process. "it's fucking cold, blow in your hands to show him your cold". I'm anxious that this was flirting. I don't really find him that attractive. Like kind of but not really. So I don't think it was because he was attractive. I also don't think it was showing romantic or sexual interest. But yet I'm still anxious it's flirting. I'm also anxious that when I was singing "I can't wait" on the radio it was directed towards Waldy. Again I also don't find him that attractive but he's okay. But I think I was singing a little louder ND having thoughts of being in a relationship with him. Once I realized I stopped singing around him. However I think this was just an intrusive thought, and the only reason it came was because I've been anxious about this hands thing for like 10 hours. I absolutely hate this and want to confess everything to my bf but I know realistically I'm not flirting. But I feel like I am. Ugh I'm also now anxious I sighed loudly to get the other guy to talk to me because I thought he was polite. I was pulling a heavy pallet, and instead of walking in front of me he just said "you go, I can wait a sec" and I think I said something along the lines of "thanks, it's heavy". I parked the pallet and sighed. Before (I think. I don't really remember) I sighed I was having intrusive thoughts of being in a relationship with this individual because they were nice to me. And I'm paranoid I think I sighed to continue conversation. It didn't and I just left. But 1 I don't think he's that attractive, but at the time I might have. And I don't think I was sighing to show romantic or sexual interest. I'm shaking. I'm still caught up wihh the hands thing. I feel like I need to tell Adam so bad. But if it wasn't anything and it's just my OCD it'll seriously damage our relationship even more. I'm trying to replay these situations in my head over and over and over trying to remember what my thoughts were before my actions, if the actions came from my thoughts or the thoughts came after. The shitty part about all of this is I feel like I can't remember. I'm freaking out. Part of me in tempted to leave my relationship because I feel like I'm a horrible person. I feel like I'm hiding something so bad I don't want to flirt with people. I don't want to think about being in relationships with other people. I can't tell if I'm flirting or if it's my OCD If I flirted I have to tell my bf because that's our relationship rules/boundies. But I don't wanna confess to something I don't entirely remember or maybe I'm just faking forgetting so I can convince myself I'm not flirting?? I absolutely have everything rn

Hi everyone. A couple years ago I struggled with harm ocd, quite literally thinking i will wake up one day and become a serial killer. Anyway, i struggled with that for 2 years and then i finally got over it. Now 4 years later and mind you i thought i completely battled ocd and was done with it, i started to deal with existenital ocd. This consumed me for a good month until i got over it and another thought came. I started thinking about how time goes by way to fast, and how thing's from 2 years ago feel like yesterday. I then started to to become obsessed with remembering everything. Then somehow this thought trickled into me and my boyfriends nearly 3 year relationship. I started saying to myself "omg, i can't remember every little hug, cuddle, kiss, laugh, touch, conversation from like 2 or 1 year ago", this then led to me panicking and thinking that, if i cant remember those memories then I don't really know my boyfriend. I know this is confusing to understand but basically my brain convinced me that I can't remember how my boyfriend acted exactly when we first started dating s well as a year ago. This then led to me thinking that because i cant remember exactly him a year ago, then i dont know him "is he the same?". Like i know him right now but i dont know that past him. This then led to me thinking that if he ever died, i wouldnt be able to grieve because i dont really know him and since i cant recall every interaction perfectly then i dont know him and i wont have any memories to remember him by. Like when he does something funny or acts a certain way im like "did he do this before" was he always like this. I feel like i need to remember everything from the past to validate the present moment. like i need to remember everything to know the present him. Then i was like i know he is my favourite person now and that i love him more then anyone, but did i think this a year ago or 2 years ago. Like i cant remember his laugh from a year ago, or how he acted. My relationship with him is something that i cherish most out of anything in my life and just 3 months ago this thought was never a thing. I hate this because i feel like im not in the moment with him because of these thoughts, constantly trying to compare to the past. I love him so much and i just want to go back to when this wasn't an issue. I don't know why i feel like i need to remember everything to know him even though ive ben dating him for 3 years and know him better then anyone else. It's like my brain is convincing me he is a different person even though i know thats false. please help me please

17f I don't know if it's very ocd related cause I actually did something wrong but I have another serious year long real event ocd which caused me moral ocd and now I feel extremely guilty because of that thing I'm going to talk about because now I feel like me being a better person after my big event was just a lie if i did this So basically me and my friend were at our other friends birthday and she came with her boyfriend. I saw him like once before and at first I didnt find him attractive at all. But the second time we met before the party (me, my friend and her boyfriend shared an uber to get there) I kinda noticed that he is kinda cute but yk I didn't do anything about it since he is my friends boyfriend. Then I got drunk at the party and when I'm drunk I become way way more talkative and affectionate, so I became more attracted to him. I mean I didn't like full on flirt with him, but later I realized I was purposefully making jokes I knew he would laugh at and enjoyed every piece of attention I got from him, like I would say stuff that I knew would catch his attention without openly trying to innitiate a conversation with him, cause it would be too suspicious or obvious. Now I don't really remember was I actually fully aware that I'm borderline flirting with my friends boyfriend, I mean I wasn't blackout drunk, but I was drunk and it was 2 months ago. I remember when I got sober and started recalling the other night I felt guilty and promised myself that when we meet again I won't repeat it. So here comes another party we are both invited too. It was my friends (his girlfriends) birthday, and it was a bit far away from our town, so we had to take a bus and then also an uber. Since I can't pay with my card my friend was supposed to call and uber for me and I would just pay her back in cash. But she was very busy with preparing stuff for the party so she asked her boyfriend to call me an uber and then text me the details. So I was extremely neutral and short with my answers to him like the bare minimum cause I remembered how I promised myself that I won't initiate anything weird. Then he met me where the uber stopped to show me the way to the house they rented for the party and still while sober I was very neutral with him. Like polite but not overly friendly yk And then everyone got drunk. Especially me, I usually drink a lot at parties and this time wasn't an exception. And again. I wasnt openly flirting with him. And this time I actually didnt innitiate interactions with him a lot at first. But then I got really drunk and me and my friend were joking around how I actually made out with her before her boyfriend did when we played the bottle a year ago. And we were like "it would be funny to tell him". So basically he came in the room and my drunk ass says something like "hey bro fun fact I actually made out with your gf before you got a chanse to do so" trying to tease him. The dude looked shocked and I thought it was funny. But then he kinda pulled me to the side and asked wtf did I mean by that. I didn't really get why is he so confused and said "I mean yeah we did but like it wasn't serious we just played bottle and there was also a bunch of other girls she kissed it was just a game yk" but after I said this he got upset. So he went to talk with his girlfriend and I realized I maybe shouldn't have said that so I texted her asking if everything is okay and apologized for making that joke and messing things up. She responded that everything it's fine and I didn't really mess everything up it was just a misunderstanding. So after we continued drinking they came back and he ended up sitting next to me on the couch and I still felt bad and a bit akward so I apologized for that joke and he said that it's all good he just got it very wrong, he thought I meant that we made out today like at this party instead of a year ago. So drunk me just formulated this very poorly and he who was also drunk understood it in a very wrong way so its fine now when he knows the context So basically apart from this dumb joke drama I also feel guilty for I wasn't really trying to interact with him a lot but I wasn't stopping it if he did? Again he was just being drunk and freidnly and I know he's loyal to his gf and wouldn't hit on me so even if I'm attracted to him and enjoy his attention I'm not stealing anyone's bf? Like that was my drunk logic But I feel so bad now. Especially because of this joke. I didn't make it for sole purpose of grabbing his attention, I genuinely thought it's funny. But still the attention thing was a part of the motive. And then during the apology, even though I was sincerely apologizing cause I genuinely felt bad, I was still kinda enjoying him talking to me??? So yeah not good not only I was kinda crushing on a friends bf I also made him upset because I wanted to talk to him and tease him by making that dumbass joke

okay so, i had this friend i met in the 8th grade when i was 13 when we became friends and my nickname for her was “red” and i had a crush on this friend before we became friends and once we became friends the crush faded away and i just grew a close platonic friendship with her and no longer has any crush or attraction or romantic interest in her. then i got a girlfriend named lisa in the 8th grade also and we were all friends and hung out but that summer going into highschool lisa broke up with me, we dated only for 2 months so you know it wasnt a big deal. and my friend “red” she and my other friend lana we are a trio and they helped me move on from that. then i started 9th grade (my freshman year of highschool) and i went into this year thinking i was gonna stay best friends with this trio but we ended up splitting paths but me and my friend “red” always had a more special bond in the trio we were like the duo because we trauma bonded and dealt with mental health problems. and in the end of my first semester i fell in love with this girl named riley (who became my 3 year serious relationship) and i love this girl so much i met her when i was 15 and she was 14, me and riley (who is my current partner) were very toxic during freshman sophomore and junior year. she was very insecure over my ex from the 8th grade who i didnt care about because she was my first girlfriend. and she was also very insecure over my friend “red” because she was my best friend during the time i was with my ex and she reminds her of my ex for some reason. i still wanted to be friends with “red” at the time and we would get into numerous fights about that. she would control me and who i was friends with and said i couldnt be friends with her and i felt so awful and defeated bc i had a close bond with this friend. she then gave me an ultimatum of either her or my former best friend and i chose my partner obviously but she was so in her head i think that she still broke up with me for like 3 days and that day she broke up with me i had to go home with her since she was my ride home and i was broken and she was obviously angry and i was crying while we were walking out of school and then she stormed off without me all upset and my other guy friend and his girlfriend saw me and went up to me to comfort me and asked what was wrong and i told them she broke up with me and then my partner yells my name very upset from across the street comes back and grabs my arm aggressively and drags me past everyone very aggressively and angry while telling me to stop crying because her mom is going to be upset and ask questions and i felt so bad. we got into the car and i had to try my best not to cry and my partner who was visibly upset a few seconds ago just completely smiled at her mom and asked how her day was with such a happy tone of voice and i was completely in shock. hours later since we were broken up i texted my former friend “red” (the one who my partner broke up with me over) and told her i needed emotional support that reyna had dumped me and i needed a friend. and she came over and talked to me. that was all nothing romantic. and then 2 days later my partner says we are back together and i was happy but felt guilty because i hung out with my friend who she dumped me over. Now years later im still with this partner after many splits but we are finally healthy and healing and shes been super supportive and there for me and loving during my recent journey discovering my ocd. i have been confessing over and over many past mistakes or things i thought were mistakes. i last confessed something on monday and ive been feeling better and relieved after confessing up until yesterday when i remembered a past mistake (which was what i just shared) and now i cant stop ruminating on it and feeling guilty and feel the need to confess this to my partner but i learned that confessing is my ocd compulsion and if i give into it ill be feeding my ocd and not breaking the cycle. but im also feeling conflicted on if i should genuinely let her know and confess because i feel what i did that time was wrong but i dont want to give into my ocd but also what if i basically cheated on my partner by doing that and if i tell her that i did what i did even tho i didnt cheat but i told her i never liked this person even tho i had a crush on the former friend and tried to get my partner to let me keep this friendship because its not like i like her romantically which is true i dont but i used to. so i feel like i betrayed her even especially by hanging out with her so now i dont know if i should tell her or if its my ocd and i dont have to share absolutely everything especially if its in the past. i dont want to lose my partner and im scared if i keep confessing it will ruin our relationship and drive her away but it will also make me lose myself and my own privacy and also feed my ocd and compulsions but im scared if i dont confess ill never stop thinking about it and i will feel like im lying to my partner and like i cheated and i wont be able to enjoy the good moments and the present because im stuck on my past “mistakes” and now im scared ill have the end my relationship to feel better but that will hurt me more but im scared if i stay im just going to try to avoid my partner in fear ill confess or feel the urge to confess every time we speak. i dont know what to do im completely lost this is the hardest thing ive ever dealt with and i have a lot ive dealt with in my life already. im barely 17 i havent had a year of a break