So I haven’t posted on here in a while. Mainly because I’m not anxious but the thoughts are still pinging around in there. They definitely still feel real. But now I’m caught up on the fact that we sit in silence a lot and just play our games or watch tv. But with other people I can talk for a long time. It might be because we live together and I know it’s honestly unrealistic to expect us to be talking 24/7, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like it’s actually a problem

from Saturday, i didnt talk to chat gbt, didnt post here out of desperation and didnt even cry . but, ofc, i still have thoughts and a strange feeling in my chest but im too over this and tired to respond . But what if i will stop the compulsions and responding to them, ignoring them, but i will still feel bad and realise my thoughts are real and im lying to myself and him. he told me to tell him when a though pops out so he can talk me through it bc he wants to help me and he is sad i always ask people online for help and not him, he did helped me various times but sometimes in just too much. Im scared, this is stupid i know, i know yhis is dumb and it annoys me. i think that he is cringe and annoying and that i dont stand him , and that means i dont like him bc sometimes i get mad at him and look at him with “disgusting “ but not in that way. like what if i dont stand him and i am with him bc im used to him and what if he is cringe and annoying… IM MORR CRUNGE AND ANNOYING THEN HIM BUT IT MAKES ME THINK I DONT LIKE HIM.

I honestly can’t tell when thoughts are being affected by OCD. Sometimes I think I have what I think are normal “grey” thoughts, but then OCD adds so much weight to them and I spiral. I had this thought that I wished my boyfriend was more confident or independent. I felt so guilty for thinking it. I told him, and of course it hurt him. He told me it’s a normal thought to have, I just dwell on it too much. And that it’s the kind of thought most people keep to themselves. That’s the thing. I don’t know what’s okay to keep to myself and what isn’t. I think sometimes I say things out loud not just to relieve anxiety, but because I genuinely don’t know what’s okay to think or say. I do not know the line between a normal grey thought and something that’s “bad” to think. I don’t know how to tell if it’s something I should process privately or something I need to be ashamed of. I get this confusion with intrusive thoughts too, but those are easier to spot and evaluate. This is harder, because again, it is *my* thought. That makes it harder to sit with. Maybe the intrusive part is the voice that questions what kind of person I am for even thinking it. I don’t have the same telltale signs anymore. My physical anxiety isn’t there anymore, it’s all in my head and that makes it so much more confusing. But I don’t know. The line between honesty vs compulsion is so blurry. I just feel lost

I think I’m in the recovery stage as my thoughts have settled so much & I only get intrusive thoughts on occasion and get worse only when I’m anxious, but the quietness in my brain feels so weird & I feel awful saying that because all I wanted was the thoughts to stop. This is the most quiet it’s been it’s over 7 months, so to go from non stop thoughts for a long time to quietness I don’t know how to take it. Has anyone else felt like this in recovery