Well I’m weak. Please help 🥺🆘 I’m scared I saw a girl I said a hot I don’t want any girl to be hot and I’m fine I smiled and I kept looking at her repeatedly and friend I don’t know if I felt something down there it was almost like a ghost thing like I but I’ve never been interested in women and I don’t want to think she is in a fight and that’s what happened but I don’t understand I kept deliberately looking at it I’m scared I smiled and I was going oh look at that in my head and I’m scared I don’t want to be I’m not imagine her naked like I’m scared I don’t like big round boobs I don’t want to change or be interested I don’t want women why did I act like that why did I feel weird in my head and smile weird I’ve never liked them but I don’t want them I’m acting like I’m not OK I don’t want roundness i’m scared I might’ve fell I don’t want to I felt anything I don’t want her to be hot it’s not sexy I don’t want this it’s like I did it deliberately and I don’t know but physically I’m not really feeling anything but I’m scared I feel like a ghost of something but when you know nothing happened I checked nothing happened why did I do that literally why did I feel it goes like I don’t wanna be interested in women As I said I’m not and then can help me I’m not attracted why did I act like that why did I feel in my head and a ghost and I’m scared she’s I don’t want I’m just gonna smell like I said I don’t want to feel something I don’t want to be hot i’m scared I can’t stop smiling but I don’t know nothing feels right I don’t like seeing boobs naked I mean I’m not looking anything but I’m scary I don’t wanna imagine them naked and be OK I don’t wanna start looking for shit and I don’t I don’t know why did I feel like that I felt deliberate I’m frightened I don’t wanna change why do I can’t wait I’m like imagine someone ask me if you don’t like no I want don’t wanna do anything but I’m smiling over I keep calling them but they’re not hot I keep thinking of the big brown boots and I’m scared him I don’t wanna be OK with that I want to be OK with that shit in my head it’s not hot or sexy I’m fine I am I’m not gay but I’m like naked boobs I don’t like the roundness i’m scared I’m not I’m scared like is it it’s OK I’m not changing I’m smiling like it’s not sexy I don’t wanna be Smiling I’m scared I’m smiling too much I don’t wanna I called them but they’re not hot I don’t wanna be OK with the cop can’t stop calling him hot but I don’t wanna be OK with big brown boobs make it is smiling over it I don’t like the little circle around the nipple I don’t like around us a woman who scared I’m not bisexual don’t wanna be like that

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

I’ve always been straight my whole life and I’ve never considered being different nor have i ever had attraction to women but lately I’ve been going through a lot of different thoughts that definitely feel unlike me. When I was a kid and I don’t remember how old I was but im sure like 7 or 8 and my cousin that was I very close to had me do inappropriate things to her that I didn’t really know anything about at that time. After that happened to me I knew it was wrong and I felt so bad and disgusting and scared but at the time I didn’t really know anything and I remember when my mom would drop me over my grandmas house while she would work, I’d take my grandma’s phone and I looked up kissing videos and I saw the kissing scene from Jennifer’s body and looking back on it I just feel so much shame and confusion bc it certainly feels embarrassing. My cousin always liked girls but I never did. I loved sitting and watching Disney movies preferably princess and the frog and wanting to be a princess getting married to a prince just like in all the movies. I knew who I was from a very young age and that never changed about me. When I learned what porn was at an older age, I started becoming hyper sexual so I watched tutorials videos of women to learn how to pleasure myself. When I was a kid and to now I’ve never looked at women in that way. I’ve had best friends and sleepovers it’s never been anything sexual, romantic, or intimate. Just simply innocent friendships and hangouts. When I got to high school that’s when i started remembering what happened to me and i remember how the girls would talk about their first kisses and i remembered my sa and how I felt so scared to say anything to anyone bc I didn’t want people to think badly of me simply bc my first kiss was like that so I would simply just not say anything. Lately I’ve been having obsessive thoughts out of nowhere wondering if my sexuality has changed or if im bi or is it just my thoughts? I’ve always had ocd and even in school, the kids would pick at me because I always eat my food in order and by the lightest color. But lately it’s gotten worse. It’s like I’ve never had thoughts like this nor have I ever been like this. Not even when I was a child. And humans question themselves of course but this feels like something different. I’ve gotten distant from my best friend who’s also a girl and I’ve just cut off social media and female friend relationships at all because for some reason my brain tells me that it’s “gay” to even hug your friends or hold their hands anymore like you used to do when you were kids. I even got to a point where I would watch women porn and try to masturbate just to see if I was attracted to it or not like that’s how bad the thoughts got. It felt like an evil voice was in my head trying to convince me and sweet talk me to do and enjoy those disgusting things even when my body didn’t want to. I eventually had confided in my bf about it because he was also a victim of sa and so he helped me through it and I stopped doing it but then and my bf (now ex) broke up a couple days ago and now ive been dealing with this alone which feels like the hardest part for me. So I’ve texted my bff a lot to catch up because I’ve been distant dealing with this and I was just checking my phone awaiting for her responses to my texts because she tends to type slow and usually I never think anything of it because I used to check my phone all the time when I would await my boyfriends reply or simply just a text from him and so now im having thoughts like “why am I awaiting her texts” “do I like my friend?” Its just so many obsessive thoughts and so much overthinking that I am getting tired of because It’s been going on for months so I know this is a lot but please if anyone can please help me I beg, it would be such a great help appreciated bc this has became a really big impact on my life and not in a good way lol. Thank you !!

I was in the car I suddenly noticed someone across the road, and I perceived something that looked attractive and se&ual, like exposed nice legs, and I thought, well let's look, it must be a woman. she wasn't. it was a trigger and i wasnt ready. she was wearing low cut shorts. and the thing is when i noticed how the body was too small i think it still looked someway attractive, my brain perceived that overall look as attractive or se&ual, like it "felt nice" (?) idk. it all happened very fast so i dont know a lot, but I got immediately disturbed as i noticed and perceived such a look. i dont know if i really "felt" as opposed to "perceived". I didnt have desire. I didnt want it. but was i attracted? that's a strong word, but im afraid that the brain still felt something "nice", like the overall look was attractive or nice, as an instant positive reaction <brain: "oh that looks nice"> is that normal? am i a ****phile? i wasnt ready. it was sudden as i checked, it took some time to fully process the information. if i knew from the first thing that it was a trigger as usual, in a slow manner instead of sudden noticing, i wouldn't have felt this much uncertainty and these disturbing unclear reactions, i would thought "this looks se&ual because it is exposed skin but im not attracted to it". all this time i thought that when i noticed certain body parts was because it just looked se&ual and because of ocd, after this im starting to think that i find certain looks attractive and i recognised a similarity. maybe, could it be that my brain took some time to fully process things, and because it wasn't ready it wasn't able to relocate in time what was appropriate and not? like piece of informations didn't have enough time to be fully processed so instead of coming into one clear image it was fragmented, and something attractive slipped through as a separated information from the subject...? im very distressed and depressed because of this. the final nail in the coffin for today; i want to kick the bucket.