I Could really use some interaction please. I’m so mad because I was doing good and now I’m just back to zero So I didn’t take anything to help me sleep for the first time in anywhere from 3 to 5 days I can’t remember how many it’s been. All I took was a magnesium vitamin because it’s supposed to help your muscles and stuff and I found that it does help me sleep a little. I woke up pretty OK when it comes to OCD arguing a little but if I was to put it on a scale I would probably have been below average. Which was nice for once. But then the longer I was awake the worse ago. I’m scared I saw a video with big round boobs and I don’t like them but at the same time I’m scared I was impressed and I don’t wanna be and then I looked at someone some other woman’s boobs and I said not big enough but I don’t want big round ones I don’t want I don’t want bacon I want small I don’t want boobs of any kind and I don’t like the way I was smiling. And now I’m scared of him and I don’t care if it’s like natural I don’t wanna lose it for my guy because then I look at some older pictures like mixed in with recent ones on my phone and I’m like definitely not losing it for him with the boob thing I don’t wanna be I’m not bisexual I feel funny in my chest I don’t like boobs of any size and yet for me to look at a woman say no big enough I don’t want big round ones and I’m very scared

Please help me. I need support. I just need someone to be up front with me. Tell me the truth. I want to get past it all. I'm struggling STRUGGLING today. My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so wanted in the moment and SO real. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support? (edited)

Hi all it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if it’s cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and it’s making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. I’ve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but I’ve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When I’m not on birth control. I’ve been on birth control since October of last year and hadn’t had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now it’s back again. I’ve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik it’s bad, I just didn’t know who to turn to) Rn I’m just really in my head about my gender and I’m anxious and crying and I just don’t feel good. Context for tonight’s thought I was doing my skincare, I’ve been trying to develop a routine cuz I’m bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. I’ve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of “what if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz I’m trans? What if the reason I’ve been depressed lately is cuz I’m slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?” When in fact I think the issue is: I haven’t seen my bf in a month and a bjt. I’ve been bleeding for 11 days. I’m in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz I’m in pre med and I’ve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. I’ll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while I’m home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And I’m worried I’m trans. I’m worried I’m a lesbian or smthn. I’m worried I don’t love my bf deeply enough and it’s all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. I’ve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didn’t fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now I’m worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But I’m so scared that I’m “not letting the TV glow” like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now I’m worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but I’m not. I don’t think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if it’s just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical “drown out the noise” tv shows won’t load properly cuz of our new wifi and it’s really irritating me. What if I’ve been lying every time I try to do a “are you trans/genderfluid/non binary?” quiz. What if I’ve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasn’t with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. I’d still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. I’d try out new styles like I want to rn with him. I’m just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I don’t think it would. Idk. I’m just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.

Every time I say smthn I like about my body or ask myself questions (likley a compulsion) or even just being around my bf I feel like this frog in my throat/nausea feeling. Why?? I never used to feel that before all of this. I love my body and I love being a woman I have no desire to be a man, maybe to try out semi masculine/tomboyish styles for funsies but that’s it. Ex- I was saying just now I do like having smaller boobs even tho they’re not super big or visible when I wear baggy clothes (that’s been bothering me lately. I’m wearing a sweater rn and I can’t see them ;-;). Then I end up in a loop of “if there was a button in front of you to turn you into a man would you press it” my brain jumps to yes but I don’t want that I don’t think. Idk. I’m just confused. I don’t feel like myself anymore. Certain nicknames my bf gives me make me anxious or nauseous but if I didn’t have this I don’t think they would. He reused a nickname I haven’t heard since I last saw my half siblings so maybe that’s where it’s coming from? I like the nickname it’s cute, especially when he says it out loud. I think I’m just weird with nicknames tbh. I like calling him nicknames but I haven’t really been called anything till we started dating. It started with honey, meu amor, meu anjo, and habibi/habibti (he’s Arab, I’m Brazilian. Banger food combo. We’ve joked about opening a fusion restaurant lol) and it’s kinda evolved from there. Idk the nauseous feeling has been persistent lately. Especially cuz his parents hate my guts rn 😀and likely will forever should be and I get married. Which I do want. But then my SOOCD comes in screaming NO YOU DONT YOURE GONNA LEAVE HIM AR THE ALTAR FOR *insert friend I have a false attraction to* (I’m pretty sure it is false attraction. I don’t like her in that way. But every time there’s a joke I get a groinal response and panic internally. We’re not close and I don’t get excited to see her or want to be closer to her the way I do with my bf/before he and I started dating. I know what a crush feels like. But I feel like I’m going insane and that it isn’t ocd and I’m just losing my mind and I don’t love y bf). I love being back at university but also hate it at the same time cuz I live in an all girls dorm. Which is. Great. When my ocd makes me think I’m a lesbian. And all my friends are queer so this kinda doesn’t help. The friend that is specifically being targeted atm is a lesbian. Lately it’s been her for a while. How long does it take for it to jump false attractions? Cuz I’m worried that if it lasts a certain amount of time it’s a real feeling. I also just get groinal responses around my friends a lot and it bugs me. Why am I feeling a twitch and feeling wet? We’re playing cards? Oh god am I turned on by an entirely different friend than the usual target cuz she’s wearing shorts? Like😃😃😃I’m losing it lol I also feel generally numb? Like idc if this happens with him, idc if he can’t see me. But then when I can’t see him or if I even imagine smthn happening I start sobbing. There’s currently restrictions on guests in the dorm so we can’t even cuddle or hang out in silence. He came to pick me up the other night to go for a drive and it was nice and wonderful but I did feel a tad bit anxious. Maybe it’s cuz it’s been 2 months, I’m worried about meeting his parents, he has 2 jobs and has classes, I have classes and a club presidency to deal with, I’m on vyvanse, etc. multitude of reasons but once we eased into it I felt better. We kissed a little and all I could think of was “I love his eyes and his smile” I was worried I would hate kissing him. But I loved it (idk it’s like my brain wipes the memory and is like “lol do you even like kissing him or having sex with him??” And it’s putting in memories of me being uncomfortable and annoyed by his kissing which I never am. Sometimes his mustache and beard are pokey but I think that’s normal lol) even when I enjoy things my brain is like “nah you’re GAYYYY🫵AND on top of that! You’re likely a man who is denying that he is trans. Here’s a name for you that you never asked for or conjured up!” Idk if anyone else’s ocd does that. I like being a woman, love it some days. Neutral most days, whcih I did read is normal, cuz you’re just going about your day as you are. Not thinking about it. Not feeling anything wrong. I never did till this shit. I don’t think about it often but one night it just hit me like a freight train “what if I am trans and suppressed it? I mean I was a tomboy as a kid.” But I know plenty of tomboys grow into cool girls so. ??? Idk. Ramble over. I have class🫡