Its me again with this question :). So whats the difference between Suicidal Ocd/Harm Ocd and Suicidal ideation(which is just thoughts)? bc i found out that both can be affraid of the thoughts and feel shame about it. And the 2nd question can a suicidal ocd sufferer feel like what the thought says like "i just want to die" and feel like it to for a second, and then realizing it and being affraid of it?

What you said about the suicidal ideation that it flows with your mood. Well actually harm ocd flows with your mood too. When im busy with having fun, i dont think about my ocd... Thanks for your answer, it was helpful, i felt good reading it until you talked about Suicidal ideations, bc then i was like i might have this and im confused again and feel bad. But i will go with maybe i have both... and i need to learn to not feel shame about this bc the ideation dont mean that i really want to die, many people have that when they feel really bad.

I ruined it all when i started to analyze what these thoughts means bc while i was almost healed from anxiety, these random thoughts still came like i randomly thought that if i will not have a gf in 10 years then i will kill myself or if life will be just suffering then i do the same and i realized in both that it was wrong thinking but it scared me that i thinked that. So i started to find out why i think about these bc for 2 years i said its ocd but i felt that im avoiding to admit the real problem. So i started to find out why i have it and since then i stucked feeling this... maybe i had that ideation but i like to say to myself that thats not dangerous bc if i say that it is then i feel bad, shame and depressed...

@privatep12473 You might have some real suicidal ideation, and it might just be a theme in your OCD. Either way, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. You’re not doing anything wrong and it doesn’t make you a bad person because you are struggling with mental illness. Either way, it sounds like you are suffering a lot because of your mental health, and you deserve help for that. You should not have to spend another minute feeling like this, because you are a good person who deserves to feel good about their mental health. Based on your post, it seems like your brain is tricking you into believing your OCD is your fault, or that the way you feel makes you a bad person. You are a person who cares a lot, and we need people like that in this world. We need people like you who think deeply about themselves and their impact on others. The only reason what’s happening to you is wrong is that it’s causing you pain. You would not choose to feel like this if you could help it. You are not your thoughts. You’re not your feelings. There are a million different unique components that make up You as a person. You are your actions, your beliefs, your character, the choices you make, and more. These thoughts are a part of you but they do not define you and they don’t have to mean anything. OCD likes to trick us into not trusting our own intentions and tries to assign meaning to things that shouldn’t mean anything.

I definetly had harm ocd, i remember i had images of hurting myself and i was scared so much, when i got soo stressed that i felt like the world isnt real it just was me and the thoughts, these thought got more aggressive for exemple when i walked in the city and the cars passed me, i had random thoughts that said jump in front of it and i was so scared and i wanted to cry bc why i think that. And when i had a knife in my hand my mind sad i SHOURD stab myself, and these were agressive thoughts, and i was affraid that this ist ocd anymore bc its not like starts with what if. And with the knife i had thoughts and images of killing my family and i was struggeling. But i want to talk about the suicide ideations, and its not like how you described it. I read about it a lot and i found that just thinking that you want to die bc sometings feels bad isnt dangerous yet. If you just feel like you want to die, that doesnt mean that u want to or you will hurt yourself, i have these about 3-4 years now and i never even hurted myself, hopefully i never will, but this doesnt mean that you are in danger, but when you planning to kill yourself, thats another think. I might have the first sometimes i dont know, but i think ocd wants to convinve my that i planned my death in the past, and makes me think that do that now too...

I did not had this when i was a kid, i started having these thoughts after my grandpa died bc of suicide. Since then i was affraid that if a problem will come i will react like that, or if i get sick i wont fight it, i just use the easy way out, and here started all, these was definetly fears and somehow turned out hopelessnes, and since then i get these sometimes and it feels like its those depressing thinkings about life. Maybe i accidentaly convinced myself with these fear that i will do that... like an exemple, i had covid 1 month ago and the first days when i felt really bad there was thoughts that you might quit, bc maybe it will get worse and i just had and felt really bad, and that time i started to have problems with meaning and i really struggled with thoughts and feelings. When i had a thought about meaningless life i googled everything about that topic like whats the meaning, bc i had that thought and i felt that i dont want that to feel bc its bad to think like that and i wanted something soo bad to change my thinking. Sometimes it helped and the thoughts still were there but i fighted them off with the meaning i gained, until i got involved into videos or internet posts where they talked about "meanings are just avoiding the real world, the pain and that theres no real meaning" and i am manipulative so imediatly start to feel like im doing it bc i want avoid the real world which is just suffering, and it life is really like that then its no point of going through pain and suffering, and i dont want to live in a life like that. And since then i struggle with this, my mind deals with all meaning as distraction from the real pain...

But i agree and i admit that when i feel really bad, my mind thinks of avoiding that pain, and idk why the first thing that it brings up is suicide... in know thats the stupidest thing to do, there may be soo much ways to deal with pain but my mind brings up that, bc i learned that in the past that this might be a "way out"... i feel bad about this. Dealing with it like ocd, like not trying to figure it out and ignore it helped to not feel bad about it and just dont care about it but after that in some places of my life when i was thinking about a problem that what should i do about it, the first thing that my mind came up with is giving up and die" and then i got angry bc i did all this work, and it still there i just think about it differently and not care about, but i expected it to go away, to not think like that but it was still there in an other form so i just felt angry that it still there, and then i started to get involved with it again...

@privatep12473 Man, I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this. That sounds really frightening and confusing and overwhelming. OCD usually develops in childhood or teenage years, but it can start at any time. I'm so sorry. I am especially sorry for your loss. That must have been very traumatic for you, I believe suicide is one of the most terrible ways to lose someone. It's traumatic and awful and it should never happen. I know you feel like you're wrong for the way you feel, or like you're doing something wrong when you think about suicide. You aren't. You aren't a bad person for thinking dark thoughts. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to be depressed. You are allowed to think and feel and react however you need to. You are allowed to be sad, disturbed, depressed, and upset about the traumatic loss of your grandfather. That's a horrible thing to happen and it's only natural for you to be struggling with it. It's only natural that you are trying to wrap your head around the concept of suicide and what that means to you. That was a horrible thing to have happened and there really isn't a way to wrap your head around it, a sick person fell victim to their sickness when they shouldn't have and it isn't fair. OCD is trying to control what it can't control. You can't control how you're gonna feel about stuff. You can't stop yourself from being depressed if you're gonna be depressed. If you ever get depressed, you will be able to handle it, and if you can't handle it, you can get help. Being depressed isn't a wrong or bad thing to be, it just happens sometimes. Most people experience a depression in their lifetime. I understand why you believe suicide is an "easy way out", it's a common misconception in society and a lot of people think that way. Suicide is not easy. People who fall victim to suicide are very, very sick with depression. They usually have thought about suicide for a long time, and almost always make multiple attempts. Depression makes a person believe that the world is better without them in it. They believe that death is the only possible way to stop suffering. Their brain is deprived of the chemicals that help you experience joy and function, so they really can't imagine a way to feel any better other than death. When they think about death, it is a relief. They start to believe that their family would be better off with them dead, even though logically they may understand that it will hurt their loved ones, they truly believe they are doing them a favor. If you ever feel out of control, like you can't keep from hurting yourself, that is a medical emergency. Have a plan for if you feel you can't keep from hurting yourself. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for many years. I immediately tell someone what I am thinking. I send a message to my therapist. I remind myself of what I actually believe, and remind myself that dying is not the only way for me to feel better. If I truly can't control myself, I go to the hospital. Don't stop reaching out for help until you get exactly the help you need. You deserve it. You aren't doing anything wrong. You have every right to feel the way you do right now. I'm glad you're posting about it and talking about it, you shouldn't have to carry all of these awful feelings by yourself. You're a human being just trying to live a good life, and you deserve to feel happy and content with yourself.

@booba I talk about this, im on a discord server where we can write down our problems and people will help. So im not struggle with that. Im struggling with i want it to go away, and think about problems and illnesses in a different way bc we cant avoid these, its normal part of life and i dont want to feel that i need to find a way out of these... and i dont talk about this to my therapist anymore, i talked about this one time and they made me scared more. She wanted me to sign a paper that i will not kill myself and how do you think that made me feel... they dont deal with this as helping him finding out what might be the problem, they just hear the word "suicide" and puts you on pills and make you feel worse...i know that if i could learn how to not be so manipulative, how to not care what others say and what they think about the world so im not thinking like maybe thats the truth, and just learn how to sit with pain and not entertain thoughts, then i would be ok, i dont have to take pills, its just made me feel worse when i had to take...