I’ve been really good at exposing so-ocd, and it improved a little but now I feel like I’m back to where I started but I’ve not compulsed and now I don’t feel the anxiety of what I once used to have so now it actually feels like I’m gay, but I really don’t want to be

I am currently struggling with the same thing. When my intrusive thoughts first started, it feels like it was much easier to remember like “Oh yeah, these are just thoughts and this is just my OCD. I know I am straight.” But now, about a month into having these thoughts 24/7, my brain is almost giving me commands and trying to tell me the opposite, as if I never was straight or never really enjoyed any of my past heterosexual relationships, which I know is false. I’m trying to hold onto the fact that I have been in love with men before and want that and only that in the future, but it definitely does not feel like it when my OCD thoughts are so loud. I also feel like, if it was really OCD, the thoughts would not feel so real, which is making me feel like I’m in denial. Do you feel that too?

Yes I feel that too. I honestly think the start of my intrusive thoughts was just like “maybe you aren’t attracted to men anymore” and it completely freaked me out because it does not align with my values at all. Since then, I have had the thoughts constantly that I’m never going to get married and have a husband and kids because I’m not attracted to men anymore, even though I biologically have been attracted to men since I was as young as I can remember. Not to mention, my mind has literally been telling me that I am gay and there are no exceptions, even though the thoughts are making me physically ill. I am meeting with a therapist this week but fear that it is just going to make me realize that my straight life has just been me living a lie and that my current OCD flare up was right. Like you, I just want to feel like myself again and not have the worry that I am attracted to the same sex anymore because it just is not who I am, while not automatically assuming that me saying that is denying the “truth.” In the mean time, I am trying to hang on to the fact that I am not alone and that this is a legitimate condition people struggle with and work through. We both know deep down what we are, what we value, and what we want for ourselves in the future, and no matter what, those are the only things we have to act on—no matter what our OCD tells us. I wish you the best of luck in working through your thoughts and hope you start to find some relief soon.

Have you done any ERP or anything? I am about to start but am so terrified that it is going to make my thoughts true. I know that SO-OCD looks pretty much opposite for people who actually are gay, in that they fear they might be straight, so I am just trying to keep in mind that this type of OCD is normal and actually pretty common for straight individuals to fear they may not be straight. Even with this though, it is hard to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin because I hate these thoughts I am having and dread it on a day to day basis. Lately I have been experiencing more images too and those are making it worse because I fear that it means that this is not OCD and it all makes it harder to remember what I actually value. Thank you for sharing your experience, we are not alone in this!