TW POCD and REAL EVENT OCD… Adults only (18+) I’m so desperate at this point for help I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried accepting uncertainty and it’s not working. I made a huge mistake in the past (about 4 or 5 years ago) and I didn’t realize at the time it was wrong until much later. I used to have a tickling fetish and I don’t understand why, I’m not even gonna go into that but because it’s an everyday ordinary thing that people do, when I would look up the fetish on ifunny, videos and memes would come up because I searched the fetish, nothing else. I would NEVER look up anything so terrible hopefully you know what I’m talking about so I don’t have to go into detail but it’s something very bad that people come across and people with POCD, including myself, have a HUGE fear of ever coming across it. Unfortunately as a teen I didn’t realize what I was looking at or whatever was wrong I was just in it for the fetish itself. I was just scrolling through and if it had to do with stupid tickling then I would watch it, while ya know? Maybe the laughter I don’t know but my mind keeps telling me it’s the same thing as the really bad thing because as a teen and looking up the fetish, masturbation was involved unfortunately and I feel so much guilt, shame, self-loathing and pain because of this and I truly hope it wasn’t in the same category as the really bad thing because it was just normal videos and pictures that a normal person would be like, awwww that’s cute or whatever but for me because I was younger and it had to do with the stupid fetish, it didn’t even cross my mind and now I’m really beating myself up for it. I would do ANYTHING to go back and change things. I honestly wish I never had the stupid fetish in the first place if anything it’s so embarrassing to even talk about I just think maybe if someone was going through something similar and I’m able to help them or even myself then that’s ok because I want to help people. I hate myself I just wish I wasn’t so stupid back then. I’ve been told many times to let it go but it’s hard when my mind keeps telling me I’m a horrible monster who needs to be punished. I will never, ever be interested or ever want anything to do with someone younger especially a kid. It’s disgusting and wrong. I would rather give up than it become true. I hate it. With a passion. So please if anyone can read this and possibly lead me in the right direction or give me some advice, I would truly appreciate it. Thank you

Thank you so much I’m so sorry I post so much about it but it’s been bothering me so much for so long. My mind keeps telling me that because it was a younger person and I did the thing (for the fetish nothing else) that it was too wrong to ever be forgiven and that I deserve to leave. It hurts too much. I can’t believe I was so stupid

@Just Breathe ❤️ I was incredibly dumb too when I was 18, but you’re learning, and like you said, it had nothing to do with the people. And it’s okay to post, I definitely understand how it feels to be spiraling and posting a lot, the sad part is when no one replies though, but you’re just seeking help, and that’s totally fine, I have done a lot I regret as well

@OCDHaver It didn’t even cross my mind at the time. You’d think I would be like “Um that’s really bad you shouldn’t do that” but I was so blinded by the freaking fetish and doing the thing that it never even occurred to me. Maybe the reactions of the people, laughing, I don’t know. It was a tickling fetish. Whenever I would see pictures or whatever it never occurred to me about anything else but the feeling or whatever I don’t even know how to freaking explain it. The guilt is too much. I hate this. I want to crawl in a hole and cry all the time. I feel like I’m a horrible person and that something is terribly wrong with me to do that. Ugh I want someone to punch me in the face.

@OCDHaver I know it makes me feel so alone when no one answers

@Just Breathe ❤️ Just have self compassion and acceptance, I know it’s really difficult, but sometimes we just need to remember we’re human and we make mistakes, we’re going to dumb things, and again, you didn’t do it for the people and didn’t even really realize that it was wrong, just know you were young and learning, you still are

@OCDHaver Thank you I appreciate it. And same goes to you. Definitely take your advice. Here if you need to talk

@OCDHaver I know this is probably reassurance seeking, but you don’t think it was equivalent to the really bad thing do you? Like c and then the p word. I hate to even say it but you don’t think it was like that do you?

@Just Breathe ❤️ No, definitely not, take it from someone who actually accidentally ran into something similar to cp, it left me traumatized and I had to call the suicide prevention hotline to ask what I should do, it was truly the worst thing I’d ever seen, it’s definitely not close to that. If you saw cp, trust me, you would know, it’s truly the worst thing imaginable, I luckily didn’t see anything like nude wise, but it was still horrible, just don’t beat yourself about it, it’s not worth hating yourself over

@OCDHaver It’s horrible to think that google would even show anything remotely close to it, I wasn’t looking for anything close to it, but it was horrifying, the hotline told me to go back and report it if I could or if it was too much for me to handle then just leave it

@OCDHaver I’m so sorry you went through that. I pray that you will have a clear peace of mind soon. I appreciate your help. Thank you 🙂

@OCDHaver I hate that it’s even out there or exists. I’m terrified if I ever come across it. I was just wondering to make sure because of it being someone younger and things were apart of it but like I said it was a normal video and memes it wasn’t anything like that. I would never in my life look that shit up on purpose

@OCDHaver Sorry for my French lol I don’t like to cuss but you get my anger I’m sure

@OCDHaver I can’t handle the thought of it even being equivalent to the horrible thing. I really hope that I can get passed this. It really hurts

@Just Breathe ❤️ It’s fine, I get terrified of that too, it’s the fear that fuels my OCD, like when I was on dating apps when I was 18 and sent a lot of “explicit” photos, I was so stupid, I almost mainly messaged people A LOT older then me, but sometimes I messaged people my age and I have had a constant fear that someone lied to me about their age and used me, my therapist, family and friends tell me it wouldn’t be my fault because it’s not like I was being a creep, everything was consensual and I always asked for age and a photo to verify it was them, but it was still incredibly, incredibly stupid of me. I regret it all, my friends and this OCD support group tell me it’s common to just exchange photos like that, but I still wouldn’t be able to forgive myself or keep on living if someone did lie, and false memory definitely doesn’t help, so you see, your real event is by far not as bad as mine, you really don’t deserve to live your life with so much self hatred, you deserve to be happy and continue seeking help for your OCD

@OCDHaver I totally understand. People do send photos all the time but I believe you did the right thing. I know how it feels for it to be so hard to let something go and forgive yourself. But im hoping one day it will get easier and not hurt so much. I appreciate your help thank you and sorry for the late response. I didn’t realize that you sent another message.

@Just Breathe ❤️ It’s totally okay, thank you for responding back, I hope you had a decent day, as much as your OCD would allow you

@OCDHaver You too

I’m really struggling because of it. Thank you and I’m sorry you are dealing with it too. It’s definitely not easy