ITS REALLY LONG SORRY BUT IF SOMEONE HAS TIME OR WANT TO HELP ME, I WOULD BE HAPPY :) This is my 3rd post about this,sorry... I still not understand what is the difference between Suicidal ideations and feelings, and Suicidal Ocd... Everyone write down both things differently, like i understand the first thing is that you feel that you want to kill yourself, but there is the "ideation" where you just think that bc you feel hopeless but you dont want to do it and youre affraid of it and feel shame that you have. And suicidal ocd is the same, you have thoughts about suicide, youre affraid of it and you feel shame. Like i understand that planning your death is a different thing, i would count that as suicidal behavior and danger, but when you have thought about it then you feel affraid of it and even shame that you think like that bc you dont want to do it, then i would say that that sounds like ocd... like when i was almost healed from anxiety, i had really good days and still sometimes my mind randomly imagined that i hurt myself and when i felt good i didnt cared about it but when i felt bad i started to question why i have these and if i have ocd or im really suicidal, and when i said that its just ocd i felt better and i wasnt affraid that i will do it... but after months its still here and im still confused what i have. I know i struggled with meaning and i felt hopeless about things in the months but what if hopeless can trigger suicidal ocd? What if that thoughts was just ocd thoughts and the feelings are to bc when i felt them i always knew that they are bad and wrong, but lets say these random feeling of wanting to die isnt ocd but what i read about it on the net, this isnt suicidal behavior, this dont means that you will kill yourself, nearly everyone has thoughts like they want to die when things seems like hopeless, but that goes away with time. And i think that i had this but then the random thoughts and images of hanging myself and hurting myself was ocd bc while or few seconds after that i felt wrong for thinking it, i was affraid "what if i do it, what if i lose my mind and will do it" and i remember when was so sensitized bc of the fight with my mind, i even had a thought that everything would be better if i would die, it would be better for me too, and after that imediately everything went away and i thought "why you think this? Whats wrong with you man, this is bad" and i think that if someone is really suicidal, he or she wont have this reaction. I could give more exemples like the feeling of the urge to do what the thoughts says but ocd has the same too, so i will end it here bc its to long now, but yeah share your opinions, what you think, bc it seems like Suicidal ideations(not planning) are suicidal ocd if you feel bad about it and youre affraid of it...and you can even convince yourself that youre planning your death or you want to die bc before that i never had that but when i read about this planning, i was like oh i did not have that, then im safe, and my mind was like "did you really? What if you will have?" And since then i have intrusive thought that i planned in the past or that im planning my death... so yeah its a really confusing thing...

I have alot of problems with this and I question alot if I do avoid my emotions cause today everyone says to "feel your emotions, let them be" but it just makes me be stuck with suffering. Currently I have a problem at my job, it's really stressful and i feel like everyone thinks im stupid and a bad person and it's hard, I struggle with negative emotions and I rumminate alot about the things, what couldve happened,what will happen and sometimes it makes me feel helpless cause idk what to do. But when it happens I don't let myself feel helpless, I don't know why you should let yourself feel anything like hopelessness,helplesnees,or let yourself tell any story that will not help you. I acknowledge it that it came up, but I won't let it to continously be there. I never understood that when you have these feelings, sitting with them makes you just follow the story that is unhealthy. I feel things that are unhealthy for me and i tried to sit with it and made me feel worse being stuck with that emotion. I start to think that people who actually has avoidance problems they dont notice how they feel, when I do notice I just choose not to go on that path. I question grief too alot. Everyone grieves differently so that's why is difficult but I don't like when people say that grief will never end and if you feel better about your loss you are just lying to yourself... Ofcourse you will never feel happy about anything you lost in your life. When i dealt with grief I noticed it, back then i thought okay i have to sit with the pain but then it got worse and worse and I felt like im stuck in my pain. Then I decided I have to move and im not 100%over, i dont even know what that means cause as I said you will never feel happy about any loss you experienced,but thats a different thing, you can still live your life with that,but if its been years and you still think life sucks and nothing is good then youre stuck with grief. This is not judging anyone who is not over grief, But it's problematic for me when I say i wont let this emotion to rule my day, and then i feel like im supressing it... or when people say "just let it be there" then my focus is on that being there, so to change your focus to your life you have to ignore the feelings, and people say "no,you dont" but thats what you have to do... To choose that you will live your life and you will focus on something else no matter what means that you will ignore the feelings, you can still notice it but you give no power to them. That's called ignoring it... I have to learn what supressing feelings really means cause everytime I try to live my life I say i supress my emotions cause it feels like that. I hope someone will read this, either will help him or he will help me understand things more, so if you read this, thank you for your time! :)

i am new to thinking about OCD - keep that in mind when reading. for a very long time without realizing it i obsessed over what mental health issues i had even though i wanted to stop and i never came across OCD. i think i eventually came to a subconscious decision to stop thinking about mental health issues after a very long time but it came back in an abusive relationship where i am pretty sure they have OCD even more severe than me. i think they misdiagnosed themselves with BPD and they are just very traumatized and have OCD about rejection and many other things but it could be both. they convinced me that i had BPD and i still do not know about that and i want to stop caring about that because my obvious OCD and PTSD are bigger problems. they intentionally hurt me a few times - this was because they convinced themselves that they had DID and everything they did was just another person doing that and i tried to help them resolve their mental health issues. this eventually worked as they now recognize that they did not have did and they are genuinely sorry and genuinely understand how damaging it was for them to hurt me and them have them be the only person that comforts me. it is extremely difficult to get comfort from other people except them and i am obsessed with trying to process emotions from repeated damage they have caused me over a 8 month lifespan. i was trying to say "its okay" to myself or tell myself that they truly didnt mean it afterwards and im attempting to stop that. the thoughts keep popping up. i was taking a long break where i only communicated to them through a mediator (my partner is now being very respectful) and i felt like i was truly healing but a few days ago i thought about if i have ocd or not and it made me realize that i was entirely dependent on them for comfort and i miss that love feeling i want nothing except that love feeling back without the abuse. this made me spiral horribly and i begged the mediator to let me talk to them and then i started talking to them for a few days, regardless of how understanding and kind they were they still made me feel like i need to puke because of how bad i felt for them and how much pain is associated with them. i started actually dissociating a few days ago which they did a lot. things feel blurry just like how they described. i think i needed to do it in order to talk to them for an extended period. i ended up helping them by telling them about ocd even though im tired of helping them through everything and having them rely on me i just wanted to give them the tools to feel good but it made me feel terrible because i always used to help them and then feel bad and it made me throw up after i wanted to take a break. i was healing and talking to them set me back really far - i learned a lot about how they feel about this and i learned a lot about why i do this in the first place but it hurts so much and i cant let myself talk to them again. i keep trying to process my ptsd when the memories come back and constant dissociation is making it harder i hope that ends soon. im worrying that im suppressing my emotions all of the time because they thought that was why they originally thought i was feeling bad and not the trauma. i am trying to seek a psychiatrist and therapy soon but i am reliant on my mom for that and i dont know what to do or if shes going to do something thats good for me. im excited to see the psychiatrist though. im 17. i am at the point now where i just want to stop having the highs and the lows and just be neutral all the time but its so hard to break out of these patterns. its really hard to sleep enough. genuinely any advice for any information i have provided would be appreciated no matter how small

Hello, If anyone has experience with codiagnoses of MDD and OCD, how do you differentiate SI from an intrusive thought? How do you know when to engage with the thought (if it’s ocd) bs not (if it’s MDD) I added context of my situation below but no need to read it, you can also drop your experience or recommendations just addressing the question *** I haven’t been active here much since my OCD got significantly better after medical and ERP treatment few years back, but wanted to come on here for more specific help. About a year ago I started experiencing depressive symptoms which cumulated into an aborted attempt in April. Since early this year I’ve had a handful of minor crises (moments where I didn’t do anything but my god I really wanted to) and have been in the severe category for a few months. We’ve been approaching this as a separate entity (MDD as opposed to OCD) because of how different it is, but there are some similarities as well. I ironically years ago had a theme around suicide (except I was afraid that I was going to instead of genuinely wishing for it), so it’s a bit hard for me to tell. Part of the reason why this differentiation is important is because of how I should approach the thoughts. If it’s OCD, I need to expose myself to the idea of suicide, methods, mechanisms, locations, standing on an edge, etc.. If it’s MDD, then I technically shouldn’t engage in suicide related planning or actions because it allows an easy path during a crisis. Similarities: - the SI can appear in an intrusive-like manner of being seemingly out of nowhere - sometimes they are distressing, mainly because it’s annoying while I’m trying to pay attention to class and have a semblance of a good day - I want to do a certain action to make me feel better about said thoughts, which is looking up and establishing methods, planning letters, dates, etc., and resisting the urge to finalize my methods is both difficult and distressing. Differences - It’s MUCH more egosyntonic. And not in a “I’m worried that I want to commit suicide” way, in a literal I’m exhausted and I want out. If there was a bottle of pills that deleted me from existence to where no one would remember me, I’d take them in a heartbeat. I don’t have an inherent will to stay here, I’m only here because of my family and cats. Also ideal methods are kinda hard to access. - Sometimes I find comfort in the thoughts, like it’s always an available emergency way out. When I get distressed from them, it’s usually less because of the thought and more because I don’t have an established plan so I feel trapped to live. - Additional symptoms that appear with MDD and not always OCD (anhedonia, physical slowing, emotional blunting, hopelessness, weight fluctuations, random unexplainable bouts of tears, hypersomnia), like textbook MDD symptoms. - sometimes when the SI is bad it tends to “cancel out” typical blips of ocd I have. For example, I sometimes still have thoughts about contamination and getting in a car accident, except when the thoughts appear they don’t bother me in the slightest, and if anything I avoid compulsions and embrace the possibility of them happening because it’s a good excuse to hit the road. Feels like a bit of a catch 22 because if I engage in suicidal thinking/planning/rehersas, it either 1) could worsen my mental health if it’s from MDD, or 2) could help my mental health if it’s from OCD