** TW ** Guys I’m reaching out for help. Has Anyone experience this I work closing shifts. And for the past three or four days I’ve been taking Flexeril to help me sleep which is a muscle relaxer that sometimes can cause abnormal thinking and dreaming like on its own let alone with OCD‘s help. But I didn’t take a muscle relaxer last night. Last night I took a full dose of Tylenol p.m. And I fell asleep around 1:30 AM maybe? And my sleep was fine I had no dreams but I woke up Max 10 minutes ago probably less to use the restroom and I’m scared because I imagined for whatever reason I really jerky guy and a girl and I was panicking because like I had to tell him myself to chant that I don’t wanna kiss the girl but for whatever reason I was comparing that person to the jerky guy but I don’t even know who he is by the way. This isn’t really a dream this was like right before I fully woke up by opening my eyes. And I said in my own voice so to speak if you know what I mean that I would but I don’t want to kiss the girl and now my heart is pounding in my palms are sweating. I’d rather kiss of horrible mean guy than a nice girl I don’t want girls. No matter how nice or supposedly good looking I don’t like thinking good looking because I don’t see them like that. And now I can’t stop thinking when I don’t want the way a woman’s anatomy looks in any state I don’t like the way they hang and I want guys and pectorals to come back

I was trying to sleep in an aunt house and I’m suffering from nightmares or when I take naps or sleep I dream horrible things, and I took a little nap and I was about to start having a nightmare and I woke up. There’s a person that lives here and he’s not even here but I was about to have a dream with him it’s so scary he’s not even my family member or anything. And like it’s a delicate topic. But it’s the feeling that I can’t even sleep sometimes without dreaming this things that are so scary . And the groinal responses are about to kill me ! This is truly destroying my life I don’t know what to do I don’t want to be like this but I’m too tired to stay awake and too tired to sleep

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).