I hate social media. Ran across a video on accident about measuring someone’s gayness and some guy said 2 and I was like oh I’m less than that and I said one but I should’ve said zero because I’m not gay at all! And now I keep happily saying two or even but I’m not two or 3 I’m in the negatives! What does it say about me that I said 1 I’m not actually gay at all! I am 0% goddamit

Please don’t judge until you read this I have religious beliefs and I want to understand the lgbt community but my beliefs is that being lgbt is a lustful sin and I don’t like it. I have been trying to tell people I’m not trying be mean it’s just what I read in the Bible and what I believe. But I’m not gonna kick my friends out if they were to come out at any point. And I’m not trying to spread my beliefs but it is also my calling as a Christian to spread the gospel as well but I do believe that you can still be saved even if you’re lgbt if you believe in god but I worry about that because my god doesn’t want people to keep sining over and over again and I love people but I hate how they don’t understand me. So I just try and pray for them and hope they understand. I feel horrible so I never know if I want to go back to god or not.

I’m trying to live with uncertainty but it doesn’t feel right. The “I may or may not be bi/gay” really sucks because I can’t stop ruminating, analyzing, or checking. This especially sucks because I feel like literally EVERYTHING in my life leads to the fact that I’m a fraud which feels horrible. I can’t even talk to my friends the way I used to without feeling like I’m lying about myself. The false attraction and loss of attraction to men is literally horrible because now I feel like the life i fantasized for myself isn’t something I want.

I keep seeing tiktoks of things that are like ‘things I did as a lesbian in denial’ or ‘things my not so straight straight friend said’ and I feel like I might relate to some!! But idk!! It’s kinda triggering me. I’ve had this 5 years on and off now so when it comes back the whole well you’ve had it so long you must be gay comes up. I have been with my boyfriend almost 6 years and i love him so much I don’t want to be gay (nothing weong with it - I’m just not and don’t want to be!)