- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
I would always act on my compulsions to fight and it never ended well
- Date posted
- 3y
It isn't going really well for me too :(
- Date posted
- 3y
I wouldn’t say it’s a compulsion. Omay maybe I worded that weird. What i’m trying to say is, you have this urge to seek reassurance from them because your thoughts are bringing you anxiety but because your partner knows EXACTLY what you are like, EXACTLY what you are thinking, it puts them off, they get annoyed, the want to distance themselves more then we feel him pulling away, we get triggered more, he’s been counterteiggered by us, and then it all becomes a huge fight. That is what I mean
- Date posted
- 3y
Especially for the last part, my situation is EXACTLY THE SAME! also because he gets annoyed by keep fighting, and he want more distances, that's triggers me more and more! I would love to be "near" him! The problem is that the more I want attentions; the more he take distances! How did you get out from this situation??
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa It’s called the anxious avoidant dance, you should look it up. But i’ll give you a basic summary :he gets triggered whenever you seek reassurance from him or seek to get closer, this triggers his need to be independent and to not be smothered. When triggered he will feel an intense urge to leave and distance as this is how he copes with such feelings. On the ither hand, this will trigger you as you need to be “near” him. Your way of dealing with such feelings is to get closer, (unlike him who needs to distance). You must respect his need for space no matter how badly it hurts. You cannot take it personal. Think of it this way, would you rather he stay with you than distance himself when feeling anxious? I bet you’d say yes to that. Well if I asked him the same question, would you prefer if she backs off when you feel the need to close? His answer will be yes. The difference lies between how you bith cope with distressing feelings and you both need to work together in healing thise aspects if yourself. On your side you need to respect his space and find more reassurance from yourself. On his side, he needs to learn to not distance himself when feeling smothered but it’s easier said than done as it is a trigger response and comes from the subconscious mind.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you sooo much!! I was waiting for a your answer!! You always have the right words; and you always help me SO MUCH!!!💖💖💖
- Date posted
- 3y
Aww no worries gal, I just know because i’m very similar to you
- Date posted
- 3y
Well was is it that he did or failed to do?
- Date posted
- 3y
Both cases! I mean even if he doesn't nothing wrong! For example we had a date tonight and it went really well. We watched a couple of episodes of a series, and than he said "this is the last one". Now I knew that in less than 5 hours he have to wake up, that it is really late for him and he has to go. But my mind says "he said it's the last one because he doesn't want to hang out with you anymore" :(
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa I’m pretty sure if he didn’t want to be around you he wouldn’t be watching TV with you
- Date posted
- 3y
@Bookworm91 I know, you are right!! But my head is screaming that to me, and I can't stop feeling super anxious and annoyed...
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa Well I’d suggest maybe going off by yourself for a while that way you don’t pick fights with uim
- Date posted
- 3y
@Bookworm91 *him
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes
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- 3y
I’m not sure if you necessarily want to fight. It seems that maybe talking about these things and getting your feelings out helps you feel better. That seems to lead to a fight, but I’m wondering if that isn’t a fighting compulsion
- Date posted
- 3y
That's what's I am trying to figure out!! But if it isn't, and we keep fighting, that means that we can't get along... or solve our problems!
- Date posted
- 3y
*okay
Related posts
- Date posted
- 19w
My husband and I don’t argue too often but every time we do I always get worried that we are going to split. The issues that we have are not always big but not only has he given me trust issues he also just doesn’t listen. We will go in circles with our disagreements because he just doesn’t see the point and this turns into me getting fed up and freaking out. No matter how mad he makes me it is so hard for me to turn it off and stop being mad when I think about losing him and this creates an anxious attachment. I have started to become detached from our arguments and caring less each time. I don’t know what to do or think and because of our disagreements I get anxiety and always think that he hates me even when he’s being affectionate This is the disagreement we had today that is causing my flare up: I am originally from CA and moved to AZ when I had my baby. My husband doesn’t like being in California and that’s fine but I have to go to California to go get the babies birth certificate because he was born there. I told him 2 weeks ago that I have an opportunity to go because my cousins wanted to come visit and bring me back with them and my mom was going to drive me back to AZ because I wouldn’t have a car. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and I voiced that I would like him to go because I didn’t want to be stuck taking care of the baby by myself because he is a lot of work. He said he would go but he wouldn’t enjoy it. I said he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to and insisted that he would go to help. Today my cousin asked me if we were going for sure and I asked my husband on the spot he was still sleeping. He got upset that I asked him that first thing when he woke up told me that he didn’t want to go and that he didn’t have a choice but to go. I told him if he didn’t have a choice I wouldn’t ask him. He said that if he didn’t go that I would be upset and therefore he doesn’t have a choice. I told him I would be upset and reassured him that I would go alone if he didn’t want to go. (Side note- I have trust issues because of something he did while I was pregnant and I don’t like to leave him alone but I would never say that out loud) We are going in circles at this point and I can’t help but have the ugly thoughts even tho this is our first argument in over a month. I don’t know what to do.
- Date posted
- 14w
I’ve been feeling the compulsion of confession again. I hate confessing things to my boyfriend I don’t want him to carry the burden. I’d rather hurt than him hurt. But I feel I did something wrong and he needs to know. Like I need to be punished or something. I may be over reacting to it but I just feel guilty and I had a panic attack when I woke up yesterday. I would never cheat on him. Just making guys laugh I feel like I am doing him wrong or flirting. And then when I notice it I just feel awful. I just want to be liked and noticed not romantically but just as a human. I don’t know why I act like this and feel the need to tell him as if I slept with someone. I think it’s attacking my biggest fear which is losing him. Does anyone have experience with this?
- Date posted
- 14w
I know it’s long but plz read :( have been having really bad ocd about my relationship and my partner and it has gotten worse and worse over the span of like about nine months I’d say. I do acknowledge there are flaws and legit issues about him and the relationship like there are with anyone but I also know ocd has clouded my judgement and perception by analyzing everything and compulsions. For a while I kept feeling this need to get out which I know was ocd. I was really scared to spend the weekend with him because I thought I would just be annoyed and irritated cause it’s been that way for a while but he also was going through a period of high stress so maybe I was resenting him for that and I also wasn’t communicating how I should have been when I was upset because I’ve done that too much in the past. This weekend I was told in therapy to just be in the moment and not have to worry about trying to answer the question of do I love him or should I break up. It did help but It’s weird cause this weekend ended up better but I also was kind of numb? Like I was enjoying myself but didn’t feel what I always have felt in the past? Anyway, I am really anxious because i feel like if I loved him I would be supportive of when his parents compliment him or when he does well at something when instead all I think of are that I’m not happy or annoyed because of things he does that upset me or make me mad and it’s like that’s the only way my brain wants to see him as a person. Or when he is upset it feels like I don’t care like I used to because I think of how he doesn’t deserve this when he does this or he shouldn’t have this when he is like this etc. Why does my brain automatically go there? That’s horrible! I feel like I should be excited for him, rooting for him. But it also feels like I do care for him? But my thoughts keep changing. I am afraid I only am with him because I love that he loves me and how he treats me. This makes me feel selfish cause I can’t do that. I notice I still like when he cuddles me and is sweet to me and does fun things watching movies etc. And that’s not how it used to feeel which scares me because I don’t want to be without him. I also love his parents am I only with him cause of how his parents treat me? I feel so selfish and like I have to tell him and break up with him cause it’s the right thing to do. I never used to feel like this. I’m scared. Is it possible I’m just I’ve been mad and resenting how it’s been cause he’s been stressed mix with my ocd? My therapist said relationships can go through phases. Can I fall back in love with him again? I feel like I have to try to start with someone else like this is too far gone. I don’t want to stay in something where I don’t feel toward him the way I want to but I really don’t want to leave him. I feel like such an awful person cause he doesn’t deserve this and is so caring and loving despite everything the major thing that bugs me is how he gets irritable a lot which is an imperfection that makes me get anxious and question him😭 trying not to read into this and just follow what the therapist said but this is scaring me because I feel like if I loved him I wouldn’t think like this or feel like this.
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