I’ll admit when I first started doing intimate things I was a very selfish lover, I thought my guy got his pleasure from pleasing me and it was also all I knew from porn. I didn’t stop to think he wanted to be pleased too and honestly avoided it (mostly due to anxiety and insecurities) until he expressed to me that I made him feel unattractive. Since that moment pleasing him took on a whole new meaning and as I gained confidence and experience I started enjoying it a lot more. Honestly I’ve always felt anxiety and fear around intimacy, it’s hard for me to be so vulnerable and even harder to feel “worthy” in bed. I always feel like there’s this standard I need to reach and that I need to think and feel and perform a certain way. Honestly, I don’t need sex in my relationship to be happy but it’s still something I really want to share with my partner and I really want to be that comfortable around each other and grow that passion. I feel like my rough start and trauma around sex means I’m doomed to ever have good sex with a man because my soocd makes me hyper focus on the overly-sexualized female erotica and porn and “male gaze” I grew up wanting to be. Girls is pure aesthetic , I find it attractive because I want to look like that. But with guys it’s about their smell, the shape and warmth of their body, their personality and energy. I feel like girls are more “aesthetic” but I’d much rather be with a decent guy with an amazing personality than say the most beautiful girl in the world. I hate my mind😒 last night I cried while listening to my playlist I made my boyfriend because I miss everything about feeling confident in my attraction and love to him.