i am having major ROCD right now and i just want to vent. my rocd centers around hyperanalyzing my past thoughts and behaviors and convincing myself that i might have cheated. to clarify, i haven’t physically cheated. but there’s a guy who i had a class with who i find attractive, and before i had such debilitating ocd (about a year ago) i feel like i indulged in this “crush” by fantasizing. i also feel especially guilty about one time when i thought about him when i was ~alone in an intimate setting~ and i think i might have said his name out loud. i am so so so embarrassed and feeling so guilty for that. it’s hard because a lot of the rocd cheating stuff i see is people having intrusive thoughts about someone else, but i worry because at that time it wasn’t intrusive thoughts, meaning i was indulging in the thoughts of someone else without feeling bad about it or pushing the thoughts away. but now i feel so guilty and wonder how i could have not felt guilty right away!! i love my boyfriend and it felt harmless at the time, but now i feel like i need to confess every little detail to him. it seems like a combination of rocd and moral scrupulously ocd to me, and i’m wondering if any of you guys agree with that? maybe real event ocd too in the sense that i’m making a small thing out to be some horrible thing? im mainly struggling with how i didn’t feel bad about it immediately and now i regret having those thoughts and doing those things. it’s difficult to know what is ocd making my actions seem worse than they are and what is like maybe i did really make some horrible mistake? it sucks because i feel this urge to be 100% honest all of the time, but telling my bf this could really hurt his feelings, but if it’s really gonna hurt his feelings maybe it means i need to tell him because i’m lying!!!

Relationship OCD

Tillyyyx

Date posted: 3y

I know you want to tell your boyfriend but honestly this is giving into a compulsion and I think it won’t make anything better . I had the same kind of thoughts as you before , it was during lockdown when everything was shut and we had just found out that clubs were going to open etc. My anxiety shot up more than ever I was paranoid I was going to go out with friends and there would be guys around and I would cheat on my boyfriend. I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind I was crying all the time about it cause I felt so guilty that I did actually say to my boyfriend I’m worried I’m going to cheat on you when everything opens up! It didn’t make my thoughts go away and it obviously upset my boyfriend but since everything has opened up I haven’t once cheated on my boyfriend and in fact I think having ocd makes us even less likely to cheat purely because it gives us so much anxiety deep down it’s the last thing we want to do . I know it’s so hard to deal with I’m struggling with ocd ale very hour of the day sometimes I just want to give up but I did have a break from my boyfriend for a couple of months and I just missed him all the time ! Keep faith x

Tillyyyx

Date posted: 3y

Every hour*

nocduser2536...

Date posted: 3y

thank you for this!! it’s nice to hear that people understand what i’m going through. i guess it’s tough cuz i wish i felt guilty immediately for those actions but i wasn’t, and that since it wasn’t an intrusive thought it means i actually did something bad :/. but that was before my ocd was this bad, so rationally speaking maybe i was just able to see those things as fantasizing and not cheating, whereas now i’m overanalyzing and seeing the worst in things i’ve done.

Tillyyyx

Date posted: 3y

@nocduser253637473 Honestly by reading your comment you can tell you are a good person ! I think ROCD attacks people who are very loyal and have strong moral values regarding relationships cause if you think about it the amount of people who flirt with other people behind their partners back and cheat on their partners and don’t even tell them or care ... like we have to be realistic here being in a relationship does not mean you won’t find other people attractive but it’s about chosing to stay with your partner out of a deeper love , you can’t control your thoughts but the thing is the more you try to push it away with ocd the more the thought comes back and it’s bothering you because your relationship is something you obviously care about deeply . Trust me I know all too well what you’re going through you are not alone in this but I hope I could help you .

Tillyyyx

Date posted: 3y

And in terms of getting better I realise my comment might not actually be the most useful as with ROCD getting reassurance can make the intrusive thoughts worse so I would suggest ERP exposure of course , sitting with the thought that makes you uncomfortable not avoiding it and waiting for that anxiety to go down by itself ... easier said than done over a long period of time imo but works amazing nether the less ;)

nocduser2536...

Date posted: 3y

yes this was really helpful and i agree- i have been doing erp during therapy so im hoping that eventually it will lessen the anxiety. thanks so much for your thoughtful words and support!

Tillyyyx

Date posted: 3y

No worries ❤️

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