- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Idk what you feel guilty about 9 y/o doing but omg that breaks my heart! ☹️ you were just a baby and your mind held onto such shame and guilt and pain and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been and still is. Kiddos shouldn’t feel like that about themselves, ever, even if they do something wrong or bad or get in trouble. They’re supposed to be figuring out this whole life thing and when they do something wrong they’re supposed to be able to understand why and be able to learn from it in the future. Poor baby 9 year old you wasn’t learning from that, you were just drowning in feelings you don’t deserve to feel. I’m sorry your brain is still trying to make you feel guilty after all these years. I don’t need to know a single detail to know that a 9 year old isn’t responsible for their actions and is unaware of their consequences, that’s what adults are there for.
- Date posted
- 3y
Yeah I'm totally unaware of the consequeces. And there are times that "okay I know my brain is different before because I was 9, but kids at the same age as me that time are playing dolls, hide and seek and etc. And me a 9 y/o kid already thought about doing that? It makes me feel a lot anxious 😥. Btw, thanks for the response! Appreciate it ❤
- Date posted
- 3y
I'm turning 28 in few weeks btw so its almost 2 yrs living with my real event ocd 🥲💔
- Date posted
- 3y
@milkyshake I’m so sorry, darling. Your brain has been holding on to this for so long, you must be absolutely exhausted. I’ve been there. You think about it a million times but it never gets resolved. OCD brain is like a toilet without a hole in it. It just swirls and swirls around and never goes down the drain. The only way to take the power away from the thought is to face the worse case scenario until you realize that if it was true, you would be able to handle it. So think about what it would mean if the lie that OCD is telling you was the truth. What if, when you were 9, you did or thought something inappropriate for your age group. What would that mean about you? I have a TON of opinions on what it would mean. First off, kids are tiny human beings trying to figure out the world, and they are almost entirely products of their environment because they rely on the adults in their life for all of their information and knowledge. They learn right and wrong from the people around them. They are not yet developed enough to express what they may be feeling in their heart, body, and spirit, they can only react. An adult scrapes their knee and can instantly tell if it is a serious injury or not, they can treat the wound if needed and have had so many bumps on their knees in their lifetime the pain is almost instantly forgotten. A child is scared at the sight of their own blood, and at the intense pain, and they have no idea if they have a scratch or if they just broke their leg. They don’t know that you need to clean a cut to prevent infection, and they don’t know how to prepare for the sting of alcohol or the appropriate way to dress a wound. All they can do is react to what has happened, and it is adults’ responsibility to show them how to react when this stuff happens. So, when you were one of these little ones, you did something inappropriate. I still picture a sweet 9 year old child figuring out life and what it means. Kids are so innocent and so vulnerable in so many ways. There are a lot of shockingly young kids in this world who have done really bad things. Personally, I have never heard of an evil, monster child. I have never heard about one of these kids and hated them, judged them, or thought they were a terrible person. You can always look a bit further into these cases and see that the adults in the child’s life had failed to do what they were supposed to do. It’s harder when you’re thinking of the kid as yourself. 9 year old isn’t you anymore, they are a part of you, but they are an elementary schooler just like any other 9 year old. Think of what you would if it was any other 3rd/4th grader. Would you judge them so harshly?
- Date posted
- 3y
@booba I guess you're right. Thank you for making me feel like I'm still a good person ❤. Maybe I should practice acceptance because somehow I can't accept the fact that it is part of my history because its really disgusting and if you look at me know I'm way too far doing that and if you are a close friend of mine you will not believe that I did that awful thing in the past when I confess this to you. I think I also need an ERP that will work for me. Thanks again for your time, you have a BIG heart 🤗
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
- Date posted
- 21w
17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.
- Date posted
- 14w
I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?
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