I never forget that childhood mistake I did on the past when I was like 9 y/o but as I child I also quickly learned from that experience, repent, say sorry to God, I never repeat that mistake again and moved on. Highschool, college, after college, having a career passed by and I'm totally okay but never forgot that mistake its just that I don't react to it everytime that thought pops into my head. But suddenly, pandemic and lockdown happened last yr I was 26 y/o and that thought came out of nowhere and to my surprise my reaction was different, I feel shame, guilt, dirty, undeserving of a great life. And I keep on replaying that scenario to get all the details as possible and to answer my questions "why you did that?" "whats running into your mind when youre doing that mistake" "eventhough youre still a child back then you still knew that it was wrong!" "you need to make sure all the details! and not having a false memory ocd!" UHHHHHRGH!!! I'm really tired!!!! Why ocd keeps asking me questions I don't know or probably won't remember?? Its irritating! Why it can't just accept the fact that hey I'm human! commiting mistakes is included in my DNA. Why do I feel the guilt, shame, tainted feels over and over again?? Oh please give me a break! 😪

Yeah I'm totally unaware of the consequeces. And there are times that "okay I know my brain is different before because I was 9, but kids at the same age as me that time are playing dolls, hide and seek and etc. And me a 9 y/o kid already thought about doing that? It makes me feel a lot anxious 😥. Btw, thanks for the response! Appreciate it ❤

I'm turning 28 in few weeks btw so its almost 2 yrs living with my real event ocd 🥲💔

@milkyshake I’m so sorry, darling. Your brain has been holding on to this for so long, you must be absolutely exhausted. I’ve been there. You think about it a million times but it never gets resolved. OCD brain is like a toilet without a hole in it. It just swirls and swirls around and never goes down the drain. The only way to take the power away from the thought is to face the worse case scenario until you realize that if it was true, you would be able to handle it. So think about what it would mean if the lie that OCD is telling you was the truth. What if, when you were 9, you did or thought something inappropriate for your age group. What would that mean about you? I have a TON of opinions on what it would mean. First off, kids are tiny human beings trying to figure out the world, and they are almost entirely products of their environment because they rely on the adults in their life for all of their information and knowledge. They learn right and wrong from the people around them. They are not yet developed enough to express what they may be feeling in their heart, body, and spirit, they can only react. An adult scrapes their knee and can instantly tell if it is a serious injury or not, they can treat the wound if needed and have had so many bumps on their knees in their lifetime the pain is almost instantly forgotten. A child is scared at the sight of their own blood, and at the intense pain, and they have no idea if they have a scratch or if they just broke their leg. They don’t know that you need to clean a cut to prevent infection, and they don’t know how to prepare for the sting of alcohol or the appropriate way to dress a wound. All they can do is react to what has happened, and it is adults’ responsibility to show them how to react when this stuff happens. So, when you were one of these little ones, you did something inappropriate. I still picture a sweet 9 year old child figuring out life and what it means. Kids are so innocent and so vulnerable in so many ways. There are a lot of shockingly young kids in this world who have done really bad things. Personally, I have never heard of an evil, monster child. I have never heard about one of these kids and hated them, judged them, or thought they were a terrible person. You can always look a bit further into these cases and see that the adults in the child’s life had failed to do what they were supposed to do. It’s harder when you’re thinking of the kid as yourself. 9 year old isn’t you anymore, they are a part of you, but they are an elementary schooler just like any other 9 year old. Think of what you would if it was any other 3rd/4th grader. Would you judge them so harshly?

@booba I guess you're right. Thank you for making me feel like I'm still a good person ❤. Maybe I should practice acceptance because somehow I can't accept the fact that it is part of my history because its really disgusting and if you look at me know I'm way too far doing that and if you are a close friend of mine you will not believe that I did that awful thing in the past when I confess this to you. I think I also need an ERP that will work for me. Thanks again for your time, you have a BIG heart 🤗