I know I shouldn’t avoid doing things, but lately I don’t have the energy to do any religious activity. I avoid praying, reading religious articles or the Bible. If I pray, I start to have doubts “does God exist? Do you truly believe? Aren’t you an atheist?” or some sentences “God isn’t real; You’re a fool for believing; You shouldn’t be praying if you’re thinking this or that.” I miss doing these things, but I’m just afraid to start all the thoughts again. I know I’m hiding.

I need some help. I keep having thoughts that I don’t believe in God anymore or that I don’t want to believe in God. I have always believed but I just recently started following him more closely. I did ask for Jesus to come into my heart. But now I’m scared that I have lost my salvation. It’s hard to read and pray and I keep getting thoughts that I don’t believe what I reading or that God won’t forgive the sins that I have done. I have been having panic attacks and I’m afraid I’m going to go to hell or I’m afraid that it’s true and I don’t believe in God. I’m also afraid that since God does know my heart what if it truly isn’t for him. I just need some help I’m afraid I’m never going to get back to normal.

Is it possible to follow Christ without actually believing? I want God but don't always trust and especially with Jesus/Christianity. I want to believe and I don't but I am still drawn in; it is comforting and compelling. I like what Jesus represented, I like the teachings (although don't always seem practical and seemingly so hard to live up to), and I LOVE Christian music. I love the community. It is so hard to embrace it really and it although gives me comfort brings on a lot of anxiety and confusion. I feel like I have no control to function when I am supposed to let myself be led; I don't even know what that means when I have to think and move my body to live. I want to have a strong faith in God in general without feeling condemned. I want to feel there is a God holding on to me so I don't feel so alone, restless, and lost. Who better to love than your creator? Who better to put your trust in to help you in times of despair. I cant help to think that the Bible is a myth and although if Jesus did exist was only a prophet. My conditioning and impulses are constantly rejecting it and so many times I opened myself up only to quit the next day because it doesn't stick. I am constantly met with rejecting thoughts and fear. It's not sustainable. At the same time, I love him and his story well I only read a little of the Bible and intended to sermons, etc. Another thing, how do I know what is the truth when I am getting interpretations of the Bible when reading, listening to others interpretations through pastoral sermons and other people voicing their opinion?

Since I started to accept that maybe some of the problems i deal with might be things that i should accept cause either way I feel shame if i have these thoughts, and i think that being that person is shameful. I'm struggling these days and I noticed I have thoughts about God not being real, not helping me, questioning if its real and these thoughts makes me feel shame. But i keep accepting it cause Im tired that i feel like im lying to myself and everytime i feel like im avoiding the truth, so I try to accept it that its okay that im having these problems(I do the same with suicidal ocd,I start to accept maybe its real) but since im doing this I noticed it makes me depreassed cause of shame. Made things worse, I always spin about shame that it might be true, i try tk accept it but it doesnt work, I feel like maybe i should go back and label every feeling and thought as ocd but i know i wouldnt be free cause i would feel like im trying to make myself feel better... But if its ocd, how can I decide its that if I have the emotions like im losing my faith, I get angry when i hear about faith, sometimes i feel like i really question it, have thoughts like i dont want to have faith...