missbluesky

Date posted: 3y

How am I supposed to live my life as a straight woman when I have all these memories of things I’ve done and evidence that proves I’m gay? I don’t understand how that’s responsible. This is my only theme, and I’ve had it on and off since I was 12. It’s been pretty “on” for the last 3 years, and I just don’t see how this is OCD. Why does this have to be my theme? Why couldn’t I get something less realistic or possible to happen? I worry that I will never be free of this, that I’ll never be able to have a relationship. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been scared of being a lesbian since I was 12. This cannot be OCD, it just cant. I simply don’t understand. I am turned on by lesbian porn, for Christ sake! Even when I’m not actively doing compulsions, the thoughts are still there, but I have no anxiety. They’re just there. I don’t understand how this can be OCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times by several different doctors, but it feels like I know I’ve been lying to them. Whenever I hear about people with REAL OCD, I get a pit in my stomach because I know I don’t have it and I’m a liar and a fraud. Also, does anyone else question the nature of this obsession? Like I feel like this is such an obscure mental illness, not to mention an obscure obsession within that mental illness. It just feels like this big elaborate story that is true for some people, but false for most (particularly me). Like, what the hell are the chances that a regular, normal girl from California has a crippling fear of being a lesbian for almost half of her life, but isn’t actually a lesbian and instead has OCD? That just seems like bullshit. It seems like a cop out. I’m saying this regarding me, not anyone else. I’d really like to talk to someone. I’m having a really hard day.

Sexual Orientation OCD

OneDayAtATime

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Yes this is ocd but the thing u have to understand is u might be lesbian. Maybe you are, Maybe you aren’t either way ruminating about it doesn’t change the outcome. Think about everytime u get in car, do you worry about crashing, probably not but it could happen. The important message is tht your ocd treatment isnt proving the thought isnt true its just taking the importance away from the thought.

OCD33

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

I agree with this but it can also be very triggering for someone who is in distress and not having a good day.

missbluesky

Date posted: 3y

I just really don’t want to be bisexual. I really, really don’t want to and I feel like it’s just a matter of time before I come to terms with it.

InaPanic

Date posted: 3y

Sometimes if your going really bad , it’s best to sleep , where your mind is at peace

KEW915

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

I second this! Had a good day but was triggered by a show and sometimes when your mind starts getting stressed and tired, OCD can’t wait to charge. Choosing sleep now!! Also yes, read pure o by Chrissie. GREAT stuff

OCD33

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

You are not alone. I started having these thoughts when I was young as well. Now I am happily engaged to a MAN. I’m a women. OCD still loves to show its teeth but it’s not what I want. The thoughts don’t make me happy. You should read PURE O by Chrissie Hodges - she talks about her struggle with this particular theme and I know it helped me so I think it’ll help you. ocd loves to also play the “you don’t have ocd” game. It has taken everything from my past and used it as “proof” it’s exhausting and debilitating. But you are not your ocd

missbluesky

Date posted: 3y

How young were you, if you don’t mind me asking?

OCD33

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@missbluesky Oh like 9 or 10 I think! I didn’t know I had ocd though. It took me going into the mental hospital at 23 for Harm thoughts and POCD thoughts to get a diagnosis. I had no idea what was happening. And now this theme has been with me for a couple years again. I’m 27. But I had these fears specifically when I was young and thoughtout growing up but didn’t know what it was.

missbluesky

Date posted: 3y

@OCD33 See what’s so bad about me is that I found out about what hocd was like 3 weeks after it started when I was 12, so I feel like I mimicked the symptoms so I wouldn’t have to be gay.

OCD33

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@missbluesky That sounds like an OCD thought to me. It’s trying to take that as “proof”. So what if you realized it within 3 weeks. You were suffering and still are. It wouldn’t be this painful if it wasn’t OCD.

InaPanic

Date posted: 3y

You gotta just accept the thought don’t fear it just say “Thank you brain for that thought” and move on

missbluesky

Date posted: 3y

That’s the thing; I don’t understand how to do that. It feels like the thoughts are coming from ME, like they’re not intrusive.

arunb

Date posted: 3y

Everyone here understands. It might feel like you're alone but we all go through this. Sexual orientation OCD is literally a preconfigured theme in this app. Imagine if you had a theme that was even rarer?

InaPanic

Date posted: 3y

It’s definitely OCD I went through this for years and years ,

missbluesky

Date posted: 3y

I appreciate all the responses, thank you so much. It’s been a hard, hard day.

InaPanic

Date posted: 3y

Remember , It’s hard to fight thoughts when your mentally exhausted and OCD is like “She’s weak , let’s attack”

cc97

Date posted: 3y

I feel the same way

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