Has anyone ever had an OCD spike and you start to think it doesn’t feel like OCD but it still doesn’t feel right?

I hate to bother you and I don’t want to risk triggering you but I need to talk to somebody To not be crude I was spending some quality time with myself if you know what I mean. I didn’t get off like usual simply because I was depressed. So I responded as one would think for a heterosexual female so but it wasn’t great and I’m scared because it involved my guy but I got depressed about my guy not that I don’t love him or find him physically attractive although I’m scared I very much don’t want to go away I know I do love him and I do want intimacy with him we’re not in a relationship but it’s just sticky and I don’t wanna talk about that stuff So like I said I was spending quality time with myself reached the conclusion of that and I’m again I’m trying so hard not to be gross. When I try to go to sleep I’m scared because somethings bothering me. Except now I can’t totally remember. Because I know how much I like meals in the body parts and I now I can’t stop imagining boobs as though but I don’t want triangles I don’t want to do a guys and babies do. I don’t want round triangles I want pectorals that’s what I high to imagine like from the profile but I am really scared. What did I think that bugged me I probably shouldn’t pursue it but I feel like it’s important. I imagined for some reason I keep calling them but they’re not hot or sexy and imagine pressing boobs like literally like creating a shallow boobs and I acted like that is but that’s not interesting I don’t like the way boobs stick out and I keep acting like they are and after I finish spending quality time with myself I know I thought something really bad I know I don’t like women but I want a man’s body parts not boobs or vagina. and it’s driving me nuts because it made me seem like I was and I’m fine that’s what I was saying but I’m not getting for me to have that thought after doing what I did scares me. And it frustrates me that I can’t remember what it was. I’m afraid it’s too convenient after what I did like I secretly do and that’s why I didn’t get off like usual but I’m just depressed. I physically don’t like women and I’m scared to do do not I keep doing this weird thing with my mouth but I don’t wanna do it guys and babies do and I keep them editing them and I’m smiling weird and the boobs are like spilling over and hanging like I do but I don’t wanna do what guys and babies do! I don’t want anything to hang off of a guys chest! And I’m so frustrated that I can’t remember the thought that terrified me so much is it because I know I’m straight deep down? Why did the thought whatever it was hit me right after what I did? Like I am but I’m not secretly I’m scared I said I am ice I’m scared and I’m not bi or gay I swear to God. Why can’t I remember because now it’s actually starting to bug me I feel like it should definitely be addressed or is it not important knowing that I don’t like when whatever it was like it’s not true. What I’m gonna keep saying don’t than smiled and nodded happily saying do when I even kind of do this indicating thing with my chin like I’m picking something but I don’t like boobs why did I not towards the boob in my head with my chin is the one picking it I don’t like boobs I’m scared I keep literally doing that thing you can do with your chin when you indicate like you’re picking something I keep nodding towards like I’m picking but I don’t like boobs they don’t get me off and I’m frightened that thought stuff is happening down there but I can’t remember what I thought was and I’m pretty sure it was just an after effect of what I’ve been doing. Why am I doing that not in gesture like I am I don’t pick them I don’t want them and I said oh I don’t pick them like I can’t help but I don’t like boobs and I’m scared I don’t like the heavy round this I don’t like the way they hang I wish I could remember what I thought was because I feel like it was important