I am embarrassed by the amount of times I’ve posted. I’m determined to get that number down by not posting tomorrow. I may comment but I am determined not to post. Doesn’t matter cause people don’t seem to see my stuff anyway So I work as a dishwasher in a restaurant in downtown Pasadena. I worked with this girl with a lesbian and she made a very obvious and I’m not even being mean she straight up said it. And told me about her history. I mean I’ve been spiking on and off pretty bad probably since I started working here and maybe not directly because of that although it probably didn’t help. But today that coworker came up to me and was I’m scared she’s she’s not cute and I said something about snaggletooth but it’s just that she’s a girl I don’t really care their teeth are not perfect. My guys teeth aren’t perfect they’re nice but they’re not perfect and I don’t care. But she came up to me and I keep saying stuff like she’s but she’s not cute. Not like that. Personality’s cool but I don’t swing that way but I’m scared that I don’t have confidence in that but I do genuinely doubt. Then I thought of a model like I do but I don’t find any shape or size of a woman’s chest or body parts attractive or just them in general all encompassing. Anyway this culture comes up to me and I keep feeling like because she’s smiling and I act like that is but it’s not cute but she’s smiling and I’m instantaneously suspicious. Because of the way it is I’m like I’m always suspicious when someone’s like I have to ask you something proceeds to smile and I keep getting scared saying that she’s not cute I don’t swing both ways I’m scared when I told her that I’m straight I wasn’t lying but now I feel weird as I am but I’m not lying! So she told me a guy coworker likes me and I was already able to get her a buzz. And I feel bad because it’s not like the guys not nice but I’m not attracted to him and he came onto strong and seems bit too sensitive and the weird thing is the guy I want is incredibly sensitive but somehow not delicate. I don’t know if it’s just because the person you want they could be or they could have a certain trait in you’re fine with it but if someone else has the same trait and you don’t like them then it bugs you. But when the coworker told me that I keep feeling weird thinking of how she was like smiling at me and I don’t like women and now I said him I’m more than like my guy don’t like the dude she’s talking about. I can’t get over the smile and I my heart feels funny but I don’t like her or any woman like that I don’t know why my heart feels funny and I imagine because she’s smiling at me and she’s close like it’s not just that it’s also that I have a really really sensitive sense of personal space. For someone who is so small I need a great deal of personal space it’s weird. And I looked and she’s like oh I’m not hitting on you I’m like well that’s good but I’m still panicking a little bit I’m like stop it you’re being an idiot. And she like someone likes you and I’m scared I keep saying she’s but she’s not cute and I don’t swing that way and I’m scared I can’t say that with confidence anymore and I hate it! I don’t like her and I looked at her lips and I thought of and I’m scared I didn’t really feel anything I don’t know if I felt anything imagine kissing her when she’s talking like that right close to me but I pushed it aside and I know I don’t want that and when I said I’m straight I was telling the truth. And then she said no it’s a guy that likes you my God thank God and there was her leave and I’m like no offense and she didn’t take it personally. I keep saying she’s she’s not that cute not that kind. And I don’t know if it’s the amount of pills I’ve taken like Tylenol p.m. because I took a Tylenol p.m. full strength so it’s like two pills and magnesium tablet like the vitamin. And I am fucking feeling it like I am so heavy in my head. But has anyone ever experienced this? Like I was looking at her with her girlfriend and I feel weird because I’m I said there’s nothing wrong with thinking of boobs but there’s everything went wrong with my thoughts and I’m like oh wow that’s exactly the opposite how I feel or that’s how I feel about guys not girls like I look at them and I realize that’s really not me. And I don’t like thinking there’s nothing wrong with my thoughts because I don’t like them but I don’t like realizing all does nothing wrong thinking of when you don’t like them but there I don’t wanna think there’s nothing wrong I don’t it doesn’t feel right that’s for sure it doesn’t feel good those kind of thoughts about females and their body parts don’t do it for me so I don’t like thinking all there’s nothing wrong with having those thoughts there is it’s not right for me. But looking at them like I’m like oh well I’m really not like that it’s just not me and I don’t mean like that as in good or bad it’s just not me. And I’m scared when I said that I imagined round boobs in squeezing them like I do when I imagine but I don’t want to do a guys and babies do I don’t want to do that so the sites are wrong to me. And that was after I looked at them to get annoying I don’t feel like that about the same and I said about but I feel the same about guys not the same sex I don’t like insinuating otherwise. And I don’t know why I feel bad that I said the guys too sensitive when I really very much more than like a sensitive guy and I’m scared that I don’t and he is too but I don’t want anything to put me off my god he’s I’ll think he’s too sensitive I don’t know if it’s just the way he handles it’s probably different I’m scared he is and I don’t want to be like that. Like my mom who’s kind of hard as sometimes about guys being too sensitive like she acts like she’s sensitive but then she can be kind of callous sometimes. I love sensitive guys but I just don’t like this particular one