I have been married for 18years and have been with my wife for a total of 20 years. Our lives have taken on completely separate paths. I am the only one working because we moved to another state 6 years ago for my job. She has not been able to find good work with her skill sets. She has had countless jobs since the move but nothing steady. I told her to quit multiple times and she has. She is now in school but stopped because she said she hated the way she was being treated. It was an online program. She has since began a certification program with the idea that once she achieves that she will reenroll in school to finish her degree. I am totally supportive of her choices and want her to be successful.   I have OCD and also have an amazing career. She has been super supportive of me. I will never question or accuse her of not being supportive. But we are now getting ready for divorce. My OCD has caused a lot of strife and negativity in our marriage. I have also had "inappropriate" relationships with other women that I have worked with. Let me expand on this... I have never physically cheated or come close to that.   Maybe 5 years ago I was having a conversation with a woman whom I had worked with about our miscarriages and she was telling me similar information about her inability to get pregnant. It was an honest and raw conversation. I felt like if I wanted to I could kiss her. I am not sure why I felt that way but I did. Maybe it was that we were connecting on a empathetic level about things that were incredibly difficult to deal with. I felt so guilty that I confessed to my wife this information. You see, that's what I do to relieve the anxiety. I ruminate and need to confess. It sucks. Another time my wife and I went out with another couple. I worked with both of them but closely with the wife of the couple. We developed a very friendly relationship and when we were out we were talking closely and laughing and she touched my arm flirtatiously. My wife was so pissed and I now have had another “inappropriate”relationship in her mind.   I also had a coworker woman at another job that I reassured and helped a bit by being supportive during some work strife. I helped get some games and stuff together from the staff when her daughter was in the hospital. We went to a one day training and had lunch but nothing more. Most of these situations I knew there was a bit of attraction but I would never go as far as acting on that. No secret texts, get togethers, or emails or things like that. Nothing physical or intimate.   Speaking of, my wife and I have intimacy issues and have for a long time. There are reasons which are not for me to share. She also has a terrible relationship with her family mostly. I am not sure how to be any more supportive of her regarding her stuff. The patience and understanding has worn thin or is no longer in existence. Everyday is another day filled with tension, frustration, and general unhappiness. The magnitude of what I have done to create a space of negativity is really setting in. We fought again today and she told me she hated me and to F off. It was intense. There is a bunch of anger, resentment, animosity, frustration, and deep wounds that she carries towards me. My wife is built to not forgive or forget. She remembers everything and if anyone crosses her she is deeply wounded.   I know that my OCD has been a big part of our issues. I try to own that as best I can. Its hard for me to hear things like I am the reason why she stopped school or that she is going to move across the country to get away from me, that I am untrustworthy and that I have betrayed her. I don’t really have a response to them because she felt like her school was mistreating her and she wanted to switch schools which I completely supported and helped with but the transfer credits didn’t add up to being done quicker so she ended up starting a certification program instead and will reenroll in school again soon. So is my betrayal the reason or is it way to blame me? I do get defensive a bit because I feel like I didn’t do really anything. But I also need to understand that if she feels these things that she tells me, that is her reality and I have to be ok with that. While I feel like I didn’t do anything really, to her I did and I cannot change that. I feel sick over all of this. I look at her and can’t believe that I cause(d) her so much pain and suffering but I have. Some of my actions are OCD related for sure. It governs everything. I am in therapy and on meds but this is an anxiety driven mental illness. So the way that things are between us right now is brutal. She suggests that I use it as an excuse for poor behavior or to make bad decisions. This I cannot answer as I want to hold myself accountable for my actions and thoughts. We have talked about the “inappropriate” relationships countless times and I now just agree with her that I have betrayed her even though I am not too sure. She asked me if I would have divorced her if the tables were turned and I said yes. But I don’t know. It is easier to just agree than to fight about it. If I don’t agree with her than I am bot taking responsibility or if I defend myself than I am gaslighting her.   I feel so responsible for everything that has gone wrong in my marriage. If I don’t own everything that I do or say or not do or not say or when I have OCD about something and I confess, then I am the common denominator in my marriage downfall. Its all me. I am the failure with all if my OCD and character flaws.   I have no excuses other than to try to cope. I am so ashamed of everything... my confessions, these “improper” relationships, the time that I was wasted and said some things to my wife and she will never forget or forgive me for. She says that she is scared of me, I make poor choices with many things, that I am a narcissist, I don’t pay attention to her, I don’t care about her. I have never been abusive towards her in any way. I try to build up instead of tear down. I am not perfect obviously, but that is just in my nature to be positive and want to help. But at different tomes, OCD has made me confess dark and shameful thoughts. My Dad died in July and there was a celebration of life in August. I flew back home to be with my Mom and to coordinate. My wife stayed here with our dog. We fought the entire time I was there and she reminded me that she was leaving me because of what I described above. The other time I went back for the celebration of life, we fought again the entire time. I have never felt so alone and disconnected. I am not sure I have even grieved yet. Too much guilt and anxiety from the marital problems. I am a mess and needed to get some of this out. Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it.

Thank you for saying this to me. I really appreciate it. I am scared and just so defeated and I truly do my best to carry myself with integrity. I am not perfect but I have always wanted what is best for my wife. The OCD about inappropriate relationships really gets me. Like I can’t figure out if I did or didn’t like an OCD mind tries to do. The maybe kills me and the fact that if I don’t acquiesce to the opinion that I did, than I am wrong and not being honest etc… I had a very difficult time posting this because I feel like I am betraying her even now talking about this stuff.

Let's start form this one, that is the most triggering for me!! I want to start by saying that my bf grew up among women and he is really sensitive. He is really able to "read" female; and making them feeling understand, and important. And that are all good qualities, and I'm proud of him. The problem, is that he keeps having what I consider inappropriate relationships with all his female friends! (Not all, only with the attractive ones). But for him, he isn't doing nothing wrong, it is just his way to talk with females friends, that is normal, and not flerting. I tell you what happens, that I consider an inappropriate relationship. There is no phisical cheating. He focus all his attentions to them: he follow her with his eyes all night, he is always ready to help her, even if she didn't ask, he makes her feel deeply understanded, he cheers for her every things she do (for example like every time she throw a ball in bowling), he explains her how to do things.. etc. He gives to her all those super attentions; for all the time. Now. I already have tons of doubts (ROCD!)+ my love language is quality time and attention giving. (=what means the most for me that makes me feel loved is spending happy and funny time togheter. I give attentions to say I love you!). You will understand how all the attentions that he gives to others female while we are out with friends, hurt me deeply! I don't even think it is about jealousy. I consider myself not jealous at all. But by doing like that, it is like if he is saying to me "I want you less than all the other females! All the other girls are more important than you for me! I don't really want you, you are less intresing than all the others girls.". This destroy me every time. The last time that happened, I cried for like a day, and I was soo close to left him. Furthermore, seeing that he creates with every girl this deep complicity, makes me feels so ordinary, unspecial, one of others when at first I thought I was the only one! I came to the conclusion (after a reallylong time), that i'm not jealous about the others, I'm just sad and disappointed because by doing like this, he is telling me that I'm no one for him, I'm not important. For him; it is normal. It is his usual way to talk/ be around females friends. He assure me that he doesn't do that because he is intrested in having something more than friendship, or because he would like to cheat. He thinks "I spent already a lot of time with you, I see you (me) really often, now that I'm with my friends it is normal that I gives more attentions to them! You know that I get along better with females!". He said that what he did doesn't means nothing that I feel, he just do this because it is his personality! I talked about this with my psychologist. She said to me that for her; there aren't actually bed intentions in his behaviour. He do this, because he want "the medal", he likes how being the guy that males the girl understanded makes him feel. But he wouldn't cheat or anything else. But would that being a problem for us; if we aren't togheter in a relationship? No! That means it isn't only a mine or his problem! In both cases the solution would be: -If he's wrong, he has to change his behaviour, because someone different that isn't him anymore. -if I'm wrong, I have to keep suffer and being hurt trying to accepting his behaviour. Now you will see by yourself that both the sutions up here are wrong!! Plus, we could fight about this for days, saying that I am wrong, or he is the one doing something wrong. - he is flerting with other girls, he is wrong. - she is "to jealous, too needy" she ask for too much attentions! Wich one is Wright? Both and no one at the same time! We are both right and wrong at the same time. Equally. The only way to keep going and find a solution is finding a compromise. But for that we must both want to change a little for the other: - I am right by wanting more attentions only for me, but I'm wrong about him doing it for flert with others -he is right by not wanting to change his personality but is wrong about not seeing the importance of giving super attnetions, considering them "just talking", because for me means the world. So the solution have to be 2 faced! We try to put a line in the middle! - i try to not take it personal, when he give attentions to others girls - he try to give them less attentions, or at least not focusing only on girls. We are still working on finding this line. I'm really scared of being hurt again, I admit. The last time I was destroyed. We have Been in crisis since this September, because of rocd. But I always had hope and faith that things will improve (and they did! I was really depressed and incapable of feeling emotions for him, now I gained them back!) But after the last time that he did this, I completely lost hope and trust for him. I was exhausted, but he called me, we talked a lot and he showed me that we can resolve that. This, was the thing that made me not broke up with him... but I passed a week by not wanting to answer to him, being really distant; angry, full of bad emotions! After that we started to see again; at first for a film, than for Snowboarding, than another film... I was incapable of touching him. I was reluctant and distant. I wasn't exited anymore by the idea of spending time with him. We also have huge fights, and we arrived so close to broke up. But he started to give me more and more attentions, he showed me that he was intrested. At first this felt like it was too late. But it wasn't! Day after day things has get better, now I trust him again (not 100% to be honest, but surely more than some weeks ago!). My desire of intimacy is coming back! And we are not fighting from 2 weeks!! Big win haha! But all of that happened after only one times we went out with his friends. Only a day, caused all of this. It was and still is really hard. The fun thing is, that when we are alone, or with male friends, we get along super well!

@eoid Sorry for the long message, and also for the bad English, I'm Italian and I try my best!

@eoid Hey @eoid I totally understand everything you are saying. Your English is great. You have really brought out some interesting context to male and female relationships and interactions. I really appreciate you sharing and for being honest about your ROCD and your insights into your relationship. I too grew up and am currently still married to strong women. I feel very strongly about equality and female empowerment. I can relate to your situation because it is quite similar to mine in the inappropriate relationship aspect. I too get along with women very well but I am not interested in crossing a boundary between intimacy and being plutonic. Perhaps there is a difference between how people communicate and how other people interpret that communication through body language, facial expressions, manorisms, and the content of the talking component. I like what you said about feeling special and that you are with him and he is with you. I get that and think that your bf should definitely put you above all other female relationships. I also think that from what you said that he understands why you feel the way you do is huge. I hope he makes some changes there. It is definitely cool that you are cool with him having female friends. Not everyone would be. It aldo sounds like you are trying to grow emotionally and mentally through this relationship. You will become more self assured and your emotional intelligence will become more acute. You will understand yourself better. I really appreciate you sharing and for some input from my post. Write more if you feel like it tomorrow. Have a good night.

@eoid I reread your post snd it jumped out at me your definition of what an inappropriate relationship is. You consider an inappropriate relationship physical cheating? That is what I think or no secret emails, texts, meet ups… that type of thing. The way my wife sees this is that I dishonored her and betrayed her and that is a huge factor in why we are divorcing.

@MikeOH2LA Nooo i consider an inappropriate relationship all the "super" attentions focused on one another girl!! All the thing that i wrote down that he actually does! Cheating would be phisical! The inappropriate relationships, would be creating too much and deep complicity with others woman! Making them feeling loved and understand, in a way that is more than what a friend should do!

@eoid I understand. I apologize for misunderstanding. So you view my situation as being inappropriate relationships from what I described?

@eoid And you feel that your bf does that with many women? What does he say about that?

Yes please share. Also see my post to you below that I didn’t share directly to you.

Thats cool. Take your time if you feel like it. No rush at all and certainly no pressure.

At this one, I will answer tomorrow! Good night!

Hey thank you! That is super nice of you to say that. I appreciate you reading my post and for being encouraging.