- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
You’re a good guy. You deserve to be happy. Just think about what you would do if you loved yourself. If it’s work on the relationship then do. If it’s move on, then do, and do so out of love for yourself. There is no right or wrong, and it doesn’t matter how you got here. All that matters is what you do now.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for saying this to me. I really appreciate it. I am scared and just so defeated and I truly do my best to carry myself with integrity. I am not perfect but I have always wanted what is best for my wife. The OCD about inappropriate relationships really gets me. Like I can’t figure out if I did or didn’t like an OCD mind tries to do. The maybe kills me and the fact that if I don’t acquiesce to the opinion that I did, than I am wrong and not being honest etc… I had a very difficult time posting this because I feel like I am betraying her even now talking about this stuff.
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi @eoid! Thank you for responding. I appreciate your understanding and am definitely interested in what your experience is regarding “inappropriate” relationships. What is happening with you and your bf?
- Date posted
- 3y
Let's start form this one, that is the most triggering for me!! I want to start by saying that my bf grew up among women and he is really sensitive. He is really able to "read" female; and making them feeling understand, and important. And that are all good qualities, and I'm proud of him. The problem, is that he keeps having what I consider inappropriate relationships with all his female friends! (Not all, only with the attractive ones). But for him, he isn't doing nothing wrong, it is just his way to talk with females friends, that is normal, and not flerting. I tell you what happens, that I consider an inappropriate relationship. There is no phisical cheating. He focus all his attentions to them: he follow her with his eyes all night, he is always ready to help her, even if she didn't ask, he makes her feel deeply understanded, he cheers for her every things she do (for example like every time she throw a ball in bowling), he explains her how to do things.. etc. He gives to her all those super attentions; for all the time. Now. I already have tons of doubts (ROCD!)+ my love language is quality time and attention giving. (=what means the most for me that makes me feel loved is spending happy and funny time togheter. I give attentions to say I love you!). You will understand how all the attentions that he gives to others female while we are out with friends, hurt me deeply! I don't even think it is about jealousy. I consider myself not jealous at all. But by doing like that, it is like if he is saying to me "I want you less than all the other females! All the other girls are more important than you for me! I don't really want you, you are less intresing than all the others girls.". This destroy me every time. The last time that happened, I cried for like a day, and I was soo close to left him. Furthermore, seeing that he creates with every girl this deep complicity, makes me feels so ordinary, unspecial, one of others when at first I thought I was the only one! I came to the conclusion (after a reallylong time), that i'm not jealous about the others, I'm just sad and disappointed because by doing like this, he is telling me that I'm no one for him, I'm not important. For him; it is normal. It is his usual way to talk/ be around females friends. He assure me that he doesn't do that because he is intrested in having something more than friendship, or because he would like to cheat. He thinks "I spent already a lot of time with you, I see you (me) really often, now that I'm with my friends it is normal that I gives more attentions to them! You know that I get along better with females!". He said that what he did doesn't means nothing that I feel, he just do this because it is his personality! I talked about this with my psychologist. She said to me that for her; there aren't actually bed intentions in his behaviour. He do this, because he want "the medal", he likes how being the guy that males the girl understanded makes him feel. But he wouldn't cheat or anything else. But would that being a problem for us; if we aren't togheter in a relationship? No! That means it isn't only a mine or his problem! In both cases the solution would be: -If he's wrong, he has to change his behaviour, because someone different that isn't him anymore. -if I'm wrong, I have to keep suffer and being hurt trying to accepting his behaviour. Now you will see by yourself that both the sutions up here are wrong!! Plus, we could fight about this for days, saying that I am wrong, or he is the one doing something wrong. - he is flerting with other girls, he is wrong. - she is "to jealous, too needy" she ask for too much attentions! Wich one is Wright? Both and no one at the same time! We are both right and wrong at the same time. Equally. The only way to keep going and find a solution is finding a compromise. But for that we must both want to change a little for the other: - I am right by wanting more attentions only for me, but I'm wrong about him doing it for flert with others -he is right by not wanting to change his personality but is wrong about not seeing the importance of giving super attnetions, considering them "just talking", because for me means the world. So the solution have to be 2 faced! We try to put a line in the middle! - i try to not take it personal, when he give attentions to others girls - he try to give them less attentions, or at least not focusing only on girls. We are still working on finding this line. I'm really scared of being hurt again, I admit. The last time I was destroyed. We have Been in crisis since this September, because of rocd. But I always had hope and faith that things will improve (and they did! I was really depressed and incapable of feeling emotions for him, now I gained them back!) But after the last time that he did this, I completely lost hope and trust for him. I was exhausted, but he called me, we talked a lot and he showed me that we can resolve that. This, was the thing that made me not broke up with him... but I passed a week by not wanting to answer to him, being really distant; angry, full of bad emotions! After that we started to see again; at first for a film, than for Snowboarding, than another film... I was incapable of touching him. I was reluctant and distant. I wasn't exited anymore by the idea of spending time with him. We also have huge fights, and we arrived so close to broke up. But he started to give me more and more attentions, he showed me that he was intrested. At first this felt like it was too late. But it wasn't! Day after day things has get better, now I trust him again (not 100% to be honest, but surely more than some weeks ago!). My desire of intimacy is coming back! And we are not fighting from 2 weeks!! Big win haha! But all of that happened after only one times we went out with his friends. Only a day, caused all of this. It was and still is really hard. The fun thing is, that when we are alone, or with male friends, we get along super well!
- Date posted
- 3y
@eoid Sorry for the long message, and also for the bad English, I'm Italian and I try my best!
- Date posted
- 3y
@eoid Hey @eoid I totally understand everything you are saying. Your English is great. You have really brought out some interesting context to male and female relationships and interactions. I really appreciate you sharing and for being honest about your ROCD and your insights into your relationship. I too grew up and am currently still married to strong women. I feel very strongly about equality and female empowerment. I can relate to your situation because it is quite similar to mine in the inappropriate relationship aspect. I too get along with women very well but I am not interested in crossing a boundary between intimacy and being plutonic. Perhaps there is a difference between how people communicate and how other people interpret that communication through body language, facial expressions, manorisms, and the content of the talking component. I like what you said about feeling special and that you are with him and he is with you. I get that and think that your bf should definitely put you above all other female relationships. I also think that from what you said that he understands why you feel the way you do is huge. I hope he makes some changes there. It is definitely cool that you are cool with him having female friends. Not everyone would be. It aldo sounds like you are trying to grow emotionally and mentally through this relationship. You will become more self assured and your emotional intelligence will become more acute. You will understand yourself better. I really appreciate you sharing and for some input from my post. Write more if you feel like it tomorrow. Have a good night.
- Date posted
- 3y
@eoid I reread your post snd it jumped out at me your definition of what an inappropriate relationship is. You consider an inappropriate relationship physical cheating? That is what I think or no secret emails, texts, meet ups… that type of thing. The way my wife sees this is that I dishonored her and betrayed her and that is a huge factor in why we are divorcing.
- Date posted
- 3y
@MikeOH2LA Nooo i consider an inappropriate relationship all the "super" attentions focused on one another girl!! All the thing that i wrote down that he actually does! Cheating would be phisical! The inappropriate relationships, would be creating too much and deep complicity with others woman! Making them feeling loved and understand, in a way that is more than what a friend should do!
- Date posted
- 3y
@eoid I understand. I apologize for misunderstanding. So you view my situation as being inappropriate relationships from what I described?
- Date posted
- 3y
@eoid And you feel that your bf does that with many women? What does he say about that?
- Date posted
- 3y
I'm really really sorry for how things is going for you! I can understand you really well and I know how hard can be... but I can understand even more your wife! I used (I hate myself for that, but a lot of time I do this again) to think and act exactly like her! Always remember. In a couple, for problems like that; no one is wrong. It is a 50-50 thing! If you want to solve this (and it's possible) you have to both admit that you are 50% wrong and understand the 50%rightness of the other! Than you have to find a compromise! If you want an opinion, or a my advice, I'm here for you! Especially on the "inappropriate relationship" I understand really really well🙄 I have a problem like that with my bf; we are getting a little better now... if you want I can share this experience too! I hope things gets better!
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes please share. Also see my post to you below that I didn’t share directly to you.
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi! I will answer everything! I'm taking some times because some of the things here still trigger me or get me a little emotional! But hey free erp!! hahah give me some minutes!
- Date posted
- 3y
Thats cool. Take your time if you feel like it. No rush at all and certainly no pressure.
- Date posted
- 3y
At this one, I will answer tomorrow! Good night!
- Date posted
- 3y
You seem to be very self reflective and to me that doesn’t make you a narcissist, chin up man, you don’t seem like a bad guy
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey thank you! That is super nice of you to say that. I appreciate you reading my post and for being encouraging.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.
- NOCD Therapy Alumni
- Existential OCD
- Suicidal OCD
- "Pure" OCD
- BIPOC with OCD
- Relationship OCD
- Students with OCD
- Date posted
- 18w
What is a common family joke. OCD is hereditary on my father's side. However I also live with complex PTSD, and ADHD. I didn't learn till recently how severe my OCD is and the intensity gets amplified if the though goes to either of the other two. It's a loop I've identified recently... just little too late. I've lived with OCD for years not really addressing it till I see that's the very reason I cause damage to loved ones. I'm married, 33, a vet. My marriage is not in the best place now. I have a son who's 4 and already showing signs of OCD. Currently my marriage is at a point where we are working on ourselves. It's discovered that my wife's issues are reflections of my own. I understand fully now that I am the center of the issues but also the solution. I need help for me. What happens with my relationships depends on me showing that I am better and able to process thoughts and emotions better. Journaling helps alot. Trying to do hobbies or this that and 3rd but. I'm willing to try anything. Things are on a line. I'm open to any and all POV and ideas. I'm not out crying. I'm taking a big step for me. Something 25 years over due. Thank you for reading this. As I tell myself now. You'll best this and be better
- Date posted
- 13w
I don’t think much of this has to do with OCD and the subtypes that I struggle with: Harm OCD and religious OCD and Guilt OCD. Yesterday, I felt like a failure. I’ve been volunteering at my church to help families affected by some wild fires and I’ve been managing a lot of the logistics associated with it. I love this type of work and the people I work with. I consistently struggle with not giving my heart away so easily to the various interns or full time staff there. My affections were all over the place yesterday and thinking about how I looked or appeared toward one person in particular. I tried on four different occasions to remind myself and to refocus that she was an just like an older sister in my faith and to try and think of her as a literal sister as well, but it didn't really change how I was feeling. It was really cool at some points I felt very comfortable to talk briefly about my story. Told her about my wife and my son (we are currently separated and living in different states) and the battle I’ve had with OCD. Yet I could see that I was jealous for her attention. It was pretty much just us there yesterday. There was a guy named Jim and I felt like I was just irritated that he was there, because he was taking the attention from me. It wasn't all bad, we were able to help a lot of families, I made my son and awesome video, there were moments of relief when I recalled her as my sister and got to hear more about her testimony, in a way deeper conversations helped me see her more than just a crush or temptation. Idk. I've asked for forgiveness to the Lord and I know even though I feel guilty and upset at myself, that He is rooting me on. My wife and I have been going through an uncontested divorce, a lot of it has to do with OCD and this new diagnosis, but as you can see by what I’m struggling with there are other problems as well within me as I’m trying to be a faithful husband, a strong father, and a just good friend to the people in my life. For so long I went to relationships and the hope of one as a source of life, but when I got married I kept trying to find life in “what if I was with this person?” I’ve caused real hurt to my wife and struggling to stop the way I feel so easily when I’m around different people and love everyone how I am supposed to.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond