Let me tell you about the last two years I’ve had and maybe it will make sense to me through telling you, why my ocd came back. Let me start by saying I’ve moved 5 times in the past 2 years and I’ve gone from London to Glasgow. After quitting a finance job which I hated, and being cheated on by a long term partner who I dumped, I started working and studying as an artist. This was my dream. Lockdown happened soon after and the studio I was with went bankrupt. I begun to finally open up in therapy about my childhood and the abuse I suffered. I made good progress with this and have grown. I caught covid in the first wave however and it destroyed my health. So I spent a lot of time building up my strength and actually got very into bodybuilding. Unfortunately the woman I fell in love with through my art turned out to be married though. I hasn’t understood at first and I loved her with everything I had. She told me her husband abused her and that she was leaving him. So I took her in and looked after her. One day she left me, with no explanation, but I later found out she’d gone back to him for money. I have never felt more betrayed or used but I was naive. Two days after this happened, last July, my cousin who is also my best friend told me he couldn’t afford the rent. He said we’d look for somewhere together. I then found out he had signed a house with some friends and didn’t know how to tell me. Nothing malicious just a bit cowardly and didn’t give me a chance. I was left without my partner and best friend and with no studio or place to live. So heartbroken, I took on a family job and moved to Scotland but carried on art part time. I went from hard earned post-covid fitness and became an alcoholic though, and addicted to smoking on 40 a day. I ended up with kidney stones and a stomach ulcer. Then my dog nearly died! Had to have an operation that cost 10,000 pounds! He pulled through thankfully. After sleeping around which is really unlike me I fell into a relationship with someone who seemed really stable and I tried to get my act together. Then another lockdown happened and we spent more time together. She ended up being abusive and demeaned me constantly. On two occasions she hit me during sex without consent. I left her after a short time. At this time my mum became very ill with pancreatitis. She nearly died and I wasn’t allowed to visit her. I had to look into her frightened eyes on FaceTime. I felt responsible because i’d told her that I’d been sexually abused as a child only months earlier. Unfortunately it was her mistake which had allowed the predator to attack me and I’d hid it for 24 years from my family out of shame. This is when ocd struck hard! Constant doubt, fears of betrayal, imagined situations and compulsions to try and protect myself. I’ve been clean from alcohol and smoking for 8 months. I found an ocd therapist and have been working hard. I met a wonderful partner who recently moved in with me. I have moved from partner to partner but I think some people are like that. I just like being in a relationship and I want to find the right person. I know think I have. She’s very sweet, and kind and supportive of my Ocd. Things have been hard at times. She has MS, and a week after she moved in, her mum nearly died of covid and was in a respirator for a month. She luckily pulled through with a 1 in 2 chance. This all triggered her MS which had been in remission. I have been acting as her carer while trying to recover from ocd. Some of my ocd has been around betrayal and cheating, so it’s been hard work to separate this from the relationship and see it in the context of trauma and abuse. To top it off the covid backlog caused a delay in her lifesaving medication so I went to our mp and the ceo of our health board to get her immediate access. It was a hard battle but we won and it’s saved her life. All that pressure was on me because I knew I could help and I love her. I have just had the biggest ocd episode today that’s lasted 7 hours of repeated checking and I’m completely lost. But really I think I’m doing alright considering. It’s no surprise my Ocd came back and to even to begin to be in recovery after the time I’ve had, and to have had a few good weeks, to be able to support someone in a relationship and to experience love, I think I’m one strong, resilient motherfucker. Fuck 2021. Fuck depression. Fuck Ocd. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I love myself just for still being here when it would have been so much easier not to. But I won’t give up. Ever. And one day soon the tide will change in my favour and I hope that these tests have given me the strength to make the most of a good life.