I had a really bad night of rumination. In my past I’ve seen some porn that I didn’t realize was wrong, and I feel like I deserve to burn in hell now. It was cartoon porn of characters that were underage and I never even realized this until a few months ago. I was just doing some simple scrolling through social media and saw a post outing a groomer who was only 16. I first saw this disgusting porn when I was about 17 so now I feel completely irredeemable knowing someone younger than me did this. Waking up everyday I have extremely low self esteem and want to isolate myself since the last thing I want is to do anything to hurt children, and I’d honestly kill myself before even thinking about doing something like that. I so quickly see everyone attack pedophiles online, which is understandable, but it is so scary since you know your past mistakes aren’t just mistakes to those people. I became hyper aware of all my past actions, and feel so undeserving of life. I wasted my chance at being normal by looking at this stuff before and it’s all my life is now. I can’t have fun, I can’t sleep as well, I fear I’m something I don’t want to be. It is such an impossible thing to deal with. My actions got me here and there’s nothing I can do to be good again. It feels wrong that nobody knows since if they did I know they’d hate me. Why did I ever find this stuff, maybe my mental pain is just a fair punishment for my past actions. It all feels so wrong, I just want to cry, I just want to delete my past, I feel like a traitor to myself. I even told my mom who used to be a therapist about this whole situation and she says I’m normal, so why do I always feel tormented by this. I feel I stand alone and could never defend my actions if this ever got out like in my mind’s reality. Can you be forgiven for looking at underage cartoon porn, because it doesn’t feel like it’s possible even if you genuinely feel guilty for looking at it, and did it without the intention of even looking for it at all. I’m a mess and just want to feel like myself again, it’s been so long. My OCD sometimes convinces me that I wanted to find this simply for the reason the characters were young. I just had no idea. This subtype is even more distressing than when I has suicide/death OCD like 5 years ago. I’m in college and it should be the happiest time of my life, but instead I’ve been stuck with this and it feels impossible to escape from.

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.