I had a really bad night of rumination. In my past I’ve seen some porn that I didn’t realize was wrong, and I feel like I deserve to burn in hell now. It was cartoon porn of characters that were underage and I never even realized this until a few months ago. I was just doing some simple scrolling through social media and saw a post outing a groomer who was only 16. I first saw this disgusting porn when I was about 17 so now I feel completely irredeemable knowing someone younger than me did this. Waking up everyday I have extremely low self esteem and want to isolate myself since the last thing I want is to do anything to hurt children, and I’d honestly kill myself before even thinking about doing something like that. I so quickly see everyone attack pedophiles online, which is understandable, but it is so scary since you know your past mistakes aren’t just mistakes to those people. I became hyper aware of all my past actions, and feel so undeserving of life. I wasted my chance at being normal by looking at this stuff before and it’s all my life is now. I can’t have fun, I can’t sleep as well, I fear I’m something I don’t want to be. It is such an impossible thing to deal with. My actions got me here and there’s nothing I can do to be good again. It feels wrong that nobody knows since if they did I know they’d hate me. Why did I ever find this stuff, maybe my mental pain is just a fair punishment for my past actions. It all feels so wrong, I just want to cry, I just want to delete my past, I feel like a traitor to myself. I even told my mom who used to be a therapist about this whole situation and she says I’m normal, so why do I always feel tormented by this. I feel I stand alone and could never defend my actions if this ever got out like in my mind’s reality. Can you be forgiven for looking at underage cartoon porn, because it doesn’t feel like it’s possible even if you genuinely feel guilty for looking at it, and did it without the intention of even looking for it at all. I’m a mess and just want to feel like myself again, it’s been so long. My OCD sometimes convinces me that I wanted to find this simply for the reason the characters were young. I just had no idea. This subtype is even more distressing than when I has suicide/death OCD like 5 years ago. I’m in college and it should be the happiest time of my life, but instead I’ve been stuck with this and it feels impossible to escape from.