Having an extremely hard time today. The holidays are normally the happiest time of the year for me, but with my first OCD flare up going on about two months now, I am dreading every moment of every day. I feel like I am lying to myself and everyone around me about my sexuality and have spent every second of everyday ruminating over past experiences that prove that I’m gay—even though the thought of being gay makes me sick. I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and know it will help to talk with her because I have not told anyone about my intrusive thoughts because they are so shameful, but I am just so terrified that these thoughts could ever actually be true that I feel sick with anxiety every single day. This is becoming too much to bear and I am starting to worry that, if I am having these thoughts, they must be true. I feel numb to everyone and everything around me and am so scared that this feeling is going to last forever and that I will never feel happy like I used to when I did not doubt myself so much.

Hey! I’m on the same page. Two weeks ago I finally had a meeting with a therapist and I talked about the thoughts and doubts. It was the first time I mentioned them out loud - I was scared and filled with shame. Let me tell you that since then I’ve been feeling much better and relieved. I really hope your meeting brings you some relief. Besides, I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. Wishing you the best! If you need to talk, I’m here 😊

Hi!! Thank you so much. I literally don’t know where these thoughts came from but they are making me feel like I can’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror:( I fully support those who are gay but it just isn’t for me, so the fact that I am having these thoughts all of the sudden is making me feel like I’m going absolutely insane. I am so afraid of becoming something/someone that I do not want to be. Have you dealt with this at all and how have you made the thoughts quiet down?

I’ve just started therapy (I had only three meetings), so I haven’t dealt at all. It distresses me every day. What has helped me is trying to do some exposure - I’m trying by myself, following some tips I found here. It’s hard, but I can see the benefits. I don’t know what triggers you, but I will tell you a little about mine and maybe you can relate to something. For example, I like to watch videos about books. Every time a YouTuber mentioned the word gay/homossexual, I would just skip that part. I’ve stopped doing that. I listen every word, even though I won’t read the book (I’m actually preparing to read one that has a bisexual character just as an exposure, but I’m not ready yet). Besides, I’m trying to mention something during a conversation that relates to homosexuality and actually hearing the word without panicking. When I’m feeling more confident, I try to embrace the thought and actually think the ultimate result: me being a lesbian or bisexual. It’s funny that when I give the thought the “motivation”, it usually fades away, because I stop seeing it as a threat. I don’t if this can help you at all. But I hope it does. ❤️

I appreciate that, thank you so much! I guess what I struggle with the most is that I do not want the thoughts to be true at all so I know it will be difficult to try to accept the fact that they can be there and not mean anything

I know the feeling. In the beginning accepting them in your mind is hard, but it gets easier. Try to focus that you don’t want to accomplish any of them and that’s enough.

Do you ever get scared that accepting them means they will come true and that you will never get your old self back? That part of the anxiety is crippling to me.