- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey! I’m on the same page. Two weeks ago I finally had a meeting with a therapist and I talked about the thoughts and doubts. It was the first time I mentioned them out loud - I was scared and filled with shame. Let me tell you that since then I’ve been feeling much better and relieved. I really hope your meeting brings you some relief. Besides, I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. Wishing you the best! If you need to talk, I’m here 😊
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi!! Thank you so much. I literally don’t know where these thoughts came from but they are making me feel like I can’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror:( I fully support those who are gay but it just isn’t for me, so the fact that I am having these thoughts all of the sudden is making me feel like I’m going absolutely insane. I am so afraid of becoming something/someone that I do not want to be. Have you dealt with this at all and how have you made the thoughts quiet down?
- Date posted
- 3y
I’ve just started therapy (I had only three meetings), so I haven’t dealt at all. It distresses me every day. What has helped me is trying to do some exposure - I’m trying by myself, following some tips I found here. It’s hard, but I can see the benefits. I don’t know what triggers you, but I will tell you a little about mine and maybe you can relate to something. For example, I like to watch videos about books. Every time a YouTuber mentioned the word gay/homossexual, I would just skip that part. I’ve stopped doing that. I listen every word, even though I won’t read the book (I’m actually preparing to read one that has a bisexual character just as an exposure, but I’m not ready yet). Besides, I’m trying to mention something during a conversation that relates to homosexuality and actually hearing the word without panicking. When I’m feeling more confident, I try to embrace the thought and actually think the ultimate result: me being a lesbian or bisexual. It’s funny that when I give the thought the “motivation”, it usually fades away, because I stop seeing it as a threat. I don’t if this can help you at all. But I hope it does. ❤️
- Date posted
- 3y
I appreciate that, thank you so much! I guess what I struggle with the most is that I do not want the thoughts to be true at all so I know it will be difficult to try to accept the fact that they can be there and not mean anything
- Date posted
- 3y
I know the feeling. In the beginning accepting them in your mind is hard, but it gets easier. Try to focus that you don’t want to accomplish any of them and that’s enough.
- Date posted
- 3y
Do you ever get scared that accepting them means they will come true and that you will never get your old self back? That part of the anxiety is crippling to me.
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes, all the time!! I was just thinking about that. When I try to be cool with them, I instantly think about this. But it’s a pattern, you know? So when I get this feeling and this thought (and everything else, like a groinal - which is the worst for me), I see that they’re just part of the ocd pattern. It doesn’t mean I stop feeling distressed, to be honest.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
- Date posted
- 23w
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
- Date posted
- 11w
I don't usually post on here because it could end up becoming a compulsion or could be seen as reassurance seeking but I think I just need a place to vent and to also get some encouragement and peer support. I am really struggling with my intrusive thoughts and feelings today. All of it feels extremely real and convincing. Right now, I feel thoroughly convinced that I have already identified as either a lesbian or bisexual. I have been diagnosed with OCD by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist years ago and I still feel convinced that it isn't OCD. I keep feeling as if I am just using OCD as a cover-up / as an excuse to deny my “actual” sexual orientation / to hide the “fact that I'm actually lesbian / bisexual”. I have been practicing ERP whenever my schedule allows but it's tough... ERP typically works for me but on days like today, it doesn't seem to be working and that makes me doubt if I have OCD or not. At the same time, I am also convinced that ERP isn't working and I am secretly in denial / struggle with comphet / have internalised homophobia (which makes it worse because my family is homophobic and most of my intrusive thoughts have been targeting that / using that as evidence). Feeling really scared and hopeless... 😞
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