I lost two of my best friends lately from stupid drama. That on top of dealing with OCD (especially real event right now) and it being the first Christmas without my dad really sucks. I don’t think I can handle it

17f Just like the title says. I came to realization that I lost a whole year of life. I remembered my real event in the end of january of 2024. Since then my life has been a living hell. Also kinda made a couple new smaller events through this year. And I know I deserve it cause my event was actually bad. Even people without ocd on reddit agree it was bad. It's still ocd, but I deserve it probably. For this whole year I haven't had a day when I wouldn't think of it. It became my default state to constantly have it on my mind. I walked around, pretended to have fun, talked to people. Most of the time I wasn't really there, I was thinking about my event. My event haunts me when I'm awake, when I'm asleep. I spend this whole year either freaking out, being depressed, thinking on methods to off myself, ruminating, seeking reassurance or trying to distract myself with books, TV shows, social media or daydreaming. Literally barely engaged with reality. So it's so hard to believe a whole year passed... I can barely remember anything that happened during this year. I can't believe this is my life. Probably doesn't really matter cause I don't plan on staying there that long. There is no way I'm going to experience piece with myself. So I will be out in a year or so, since my plan requires some time. Finally will end it all. It just feels very weird. A whole year passed. I was so deep down in my head I didn't even notice. It's scary.

I’ve been struggling in life in general pretty much this whole year so far. But this week I started thinking about my POCD more and I always try to push through it and go about my day and not let my fears take over. Today my sister randomly told me she’s pregnant. She’s 25 and her boyfriend is 20 and they’ve only been together for a few months. I’m incredibly disappointed and angry with her because it comes off as being so selfish. She can’t take care of herself (neither can he) but they still decide to have a baby. I’m upset. But now I’m also incredibly scared. It’s putting me in a position of having to not only be around but help take care of a baby/kid. I’ve always thought about how one day I’m gonna have to deal with it, but I figured it was later in the future to when I feel more confident in handling my ocd. I also felt that if I were to have to be around a baby/kid all the time that I could mentally spiral and end up killing myself. I hate to make her pregnancy about me but I truly think that in the near future I could possibly get so bad that I come to that point of killing myself. I don’t know if I can handle this right now. I’m scared of how bad I could get. I barely survived the last time and I never had to constantly be around kids. But the times that I had to were the most dreadful times in my life. Of course I’ve gotten better but I still don’t want to be in these scary situations so often. And with her having a kid then I’ll have to be. I don’t think I’m strong enough to constantly push away my fears.

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.