TW. So I had a really hard night last night. Well I guess technically it’s early this morning. I posted about it well actually I commented about it on a post I made like the other day it’s hard to explain. But I went crazy in the comment section of one of my own posts. The previous night I had taken a full dose of Tylenol p.m. which is two tablets woke up saying something that really mess with me saying I like something that I don’t and I just snowballed from there. I had my mom yell at me twice about her being able to hear me. I don’t understand how parents are so arrogant and deluded sometimes. She’s like you go to the bathroom and you do it deliberately so I can hear you I’m like no mom I went to the bathroom because I had to use the restroom and I was still having bad thoughts those two things can happen at the same time you know. It’s like what is it with parents and having like persecution complex is or something like they think their kids do everything to the annoy them it’s just humorous the amount of arrogance parents actually have. And then the genius is wonder where their kids get it from 🙄 But I’m not here to bitch about parent child relationships. That’s probably a different post lol. After I had my bad episode I was trying to calm down trying to just get some amount of sleep so I took a shot of tequila. It had been like anywhere from 4 to 5 hours since I had taken the Tylenol p.m. so I thought it was OK. And admittedly the shots kind of big the glass I mean so it’s probably maybe either a shot or a shot and a half like just judging by the size of the glass I don’t drink alcohol I’ll let much so I wouldn’t be able to accurately say but it was a hefty amount. And so I start to feel the effects and calm down but then I thought of hanging boobs pointy ones and I know I don’t like those. And the other thoughts I’m struggling with in my comment section on the previous post I made it’s still haunting me. And I’m scared I kept thinking nothing anything is sex with in a pair of boobs and I keep saying anything sexier than a pair of hot boots or not hot and I keep thinking of women I’m scared I am I don’t wanna start having a type of developing a thing I don’t have any kind of desire for girls whatsoever like none. And I said nothing anything sexier than that and the thing is I know I like dick and I’m scared I do and that means I don’t want the same sex I don’t want both sexes I know my love for my guys there but I didn’t act like he is and I feel funny because I don’t want more muscle I want my guy and I know he’s there and I don’t want boobs but it’s just for me to I kept smiling saying nothing anything sexier than women and I thought was thinking of their bodies saying nothing and it’s the way I was smiling though scaring me and I’m scared I was basically smiling like a dude and I’m frightened something was happening down there I don’t know if there was no like throbbing there was no swelling but I’m scared of the way I’m smiling I was scared I was feeling like that if you know what I mean and I’m scared that means that I am but I’m not bisexual and I was frightened that I was starting to get like wet like women are but they’re not sexy and when I was finally able to get home and check myself basically nothing was going on. I just don’t like the way I was smiling like a guy women are not sexier than men women are not sexy to me in that capacity at all let alone than the opposite sex. Does anybody think that me combining sleeping pills and tequila might be Contributing to my like facial expressions and shit in a weird mood I’m having? I’m very frightened I don’t like the way you’re smiling over women say nothing when anything is hotter sexier than that women naked or not my thing and I’m starting to feel funny they’re not sexy! OK back to parents being total fucking jack asses. I’m in the kitchen in my apartment. My apartment is like 1200 ft.² it is not small. It’s like. starter home so it’s not like huge or anything but it’s definitely not the typical small apartment. So I’m in my kitchen around the corner from the hallway and my mom‘s room is at the end of the hallway. And I’m not shouting I’m not yelling. I’m speaking either at a moderate voice or lower than that and so I’m using talk to text to post this because I’m just tired and I don’t have the energy to type that stuff. And I’m scared I don’t wanna change into bisexuality I don’t fucking care if it’s not wrong but that’s not the point I’m talking and I would think that it’s probably a normal level and my mom says from her room in the most obnoxious passive aggressive little sing song tone “Catlin I can hear you” I’m not even shouting so why do parents enjoy putting their kids down why do parents crave power dominance and control? Like are they really that feeble? As I feel like only feeble people want that over anyone other than themselves. But it’s like I’m not right outside her door I should be able to talk about stuff without her being such a bitch Anyway I would really appreciate some input but I wouldn’t be surprised if no one comments. I know my stuff is overwhelming

Please please help me. I need support. I just need someone to be up front with me. Tell me the truth. I want to get past it all. I'm struggling STRUGGLING today. My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so wanted in the moment and SO real. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support? (edited)

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.

If you’re sensetive to the topic of divorce, needles, or self harm don’t read this. I’m really sorry for how long this is going to be I promise it has a point. So this morning I woke up. It was around 11 when I woke up. I had to get in the shower for a dentist appointment I had to get a cavity filled, which is literally horrible. I can’t describe how much I fucking hate getting my teeth filled the pain of the needle is so bad and the dentist is awful for me because I always think about how many other mouths might’ve touch the equipment. I got a shower and just went with my hair wet and I noticed a huge bruise on my leg from my bf accidentally kneeling on me and I thought about how much it hurt and I worried that the bruise might become something else because I read up on how sometimes small bruises can lead to really horrible blood pooling and internal bleeding. I got in the car and me and my dad left to go to my dentist appointment. When I was sitting waiting I was sitting alone with no distractions so I thought a lot. I thought about how this is the second dentist appointment I’ve been to in a month that my hair was wet for and how my dentist probably thinks my hair is greasy and that im gross. When my dentist gave me the needle to freeze me my vision went a bit wonky and I remember worrying that he sent the freezing to my nervous system and how this was just gonna be how my vision gets stuck forever. They finished the filling and I worried that my invisiline treatment would stop working because of the slight change from the filling and how I’d waste thousands of my parents dollars from one filling. When I was coming from the dentist my mom texted that she was taking me somewhere to eat so I went home with my dad and waited for her to come get me. We went to eat and it was amazing. And for context me and my mom usually can’t get through a car ride without being at each others throats. She even bought me a slice of cheese cake to take home. We got home and I was talking to my parents about whatever. I went into my kitchen to snack on something and my dad told me to get out of the cupboards. He told me to come here and sit down. I thought he was gonna tell me that I need to diet. I asked worriedly what they wanted to talk about. My dad said “oh just life and stuff” I figured they were gonna tell me some type of advice. That they were gonna give me the talk (I’m a teenager in a teenage relationship so this makes sense) I remember the hot feeling of the anxiety in my body. Of what he might tell me. Up until this point my life was all those worries I talk about in my so far day. My life was wake up worry about crazy impossible shit, worry about everything, the worst thing in my life to this point was my self harm that I ended up falling into around 2 years ago (I’m clean for the most part now). Up until this point my parents were together for 18 years. But today my parents sat me down and told me they’re separating. Right when my life finally felt so right. When the only issue was my ocd. When that was my complaint. There’s no one to blame for it. It’s just how life ended up happening. I’m so utterly confused. I don’t even know what to think. For the first time in my entire life I have no idea what to think. It is impossible for my brain to muster up something, anything. I just can’t. And the last time I felt like I couldn’t think I cut myself. And I can’t do that. I just feel so freaking lost. My life is about to begin. I’m about to graduate high school this coming year. And my senior year. My last year. It about to be so hard in so many ways. I just can’t. And I feel so alone in this because their separation is gonna go so smoothly with no issues they have it all figured out and they still love eachother. So I can’t complain that it’s gonna be messy. My brothers still very young so he’ll deal with it differently. And any of my friends who have divorced parents their parents divorces were messy and horrible and they were all so young when it happened. But I’ll be a legal adult next year. So I feel like I’m not supposed to be upset about it because it happen to me later in life. I just really don’t know.