TWA I’m scared I said the more I looked at this girl‘s boobs the more and it’s usually the opposite but I don’t like her boobs I feel so funny in my stomach they I just called them but they’re not hot or sexy but they were really big and round and pushed off the chest I said exactly the way I but I didn’t like it exactly the way I… But I don’t like it! And I’m scared and the more I looked the more worked up I got but not in a good way and then there was a throb down there And I said boobs are brothers they’re not far from the definition of disgusting they’re not far from it! So what did I say that repeatedly? Boobs are I said not far from there the definition of disgusting! And I said the more I looked at the woman’s boobs the more that I never like that before I never liked it usually it’s the opposite I’ve never liked it! I can’t believe I said the more I look the more I like I didn’t like it I just got me feeling more and more anxious why did I throw up down there!? I said the more I look the more like I never liked it I don’t know! The more I looked and I can’t stop saying like I didn’t like it I’m scared I’m just history changing like I’m lying to myself the more I looked and I can’t stop saying liked and said I should embrace I don’t wanna embrace liking I don’t like boobs! The more I look the more I don’t know I’m scared I really did I didn’t I don’t why did I throb I never like boobs are usually the more I look the more I don’t like it! Is it don’t look anything more than I don’t like anything about boobs why would I say anything more I don’t like boobs I don’t like anything about them the more I looked the more anxious I got and I keep smiling and I keep smiling and delivery said the more I liked but I didn’t like it it’s like I’m deliberately egging my brain on! I feel funny in Hallow in my stomach! And I’m scared have a son I can’t breathe like it feels wrong to say the more I look the more I didn’t like it like it’s not true and friend the more I looked I imagine her boobs pointer I don’t know what I imagined and I said the more I…but I actually didn’t like it! I’m scared of the way I just smiled and said she is she’s not a game changer I’ve never had it reverse before usually it’s like the more that I said like I don’t like them usually the more I look the more that I don’t like it and I just got anxious then I smiled the third time I watch the video looking at her boobs imagining them pointed and said the more I but I didn’t like it why did I throb why did I smile!? I’m scared I do I don’t like big pointy boobs I don’t I don’t like boobs I don’t like big dramatic things and I don’t want people to get I don’t like boobs I don’t want people to get the wrong idea but now I’m scared I am I don’t wanna be over my guy and I make a face because he doesn’t I don’t want him to have boobs I don’t wanna be here anymore

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

Guys I feel a bit bothered. I fear I liked a thought bc my sister was showing me this video about a robbery and right before she was going to show me I was thinking "no... tsk this is not what I want to see. Dont think of anything." But i had to watch bc my sister was already playing the video. I tried to not pay as much attention. I hate watching videos that have stuff related to harm bc ocd loves to latch on. I got so many thoughts. But when I saw the person pull out a weapon and the cashier jump extremely high, I felt like laughing??? But not bc of what was going on but bc "why did he jump like that? It was so high! You know what? I would've jumped liked this too. That's scary!" And then I felt angry for the cashier bc why do evil people commit such things? How the heck? But ocd says i laughed bc I felt a sense of superiority and liked seeing people scared and want to feel a distorted sense of power. Like.. no? I knew I felt like laughing bc I didn't expect him to jump so high and I wanted to point it out but decided not to bc the video is serious, and it's not a movie. But I feel kinda guilty like why tf did I feel like laughing. I didn't even smile or actually laugh irl but it's bothering me. Then my sister showed me some other video and explained a specific weapon and I kept getting thoughts like "ohhh i want that! I wanna scare people too! I want to test the thoughts to double check if i actually like them" And it gave me an image of me doing something crazy like robbing a store as well! AND IT FELT REAL! I WASNT EVEN WANTING TO THINK THIS! Im worried this means its real or that i enjoyed the thought and fantasized, but at the same time ik im not actually interested nor do I have plans but what if I WANTED to for those few seconds?! Bc why did it FEEL like I enjoyed it??? I know I wouldn't, i dont have plans to nor do i want to think about making plans and I'm genuinely not interested but WHAT IF??? Did i enjoy this thought?! It felt like I wanted to bc I didn't immediately reject it like usual and for some reason felt "happy" (i didnt smile or anything but it FELT like i was happy???) Literally right after the thought came i was thinking to myself "OMG is that true?" And couldn't focus on anything else! How do I know I didnt genuinely enjoy and dont have some weird sense of power??? It's been bothering me so much, this happened a couple hours ago and I managed to fall asleep in the middle of my compulsion of mentally reviewing how I reacted to my thoughts.

I was in the car I suddenly noticed someone across the road, and I perceived something that looked attractive and se&ual, like exposed nice legs, and I thought, well let's look, it must be a woman. she wasn't. it was a trigger and i wasnt ready. she was wearing low cut shorts. and the thing is when i noticed how the body was too small i think it still looked someway attractive, my brain perceived that overall look as attractive or se&ual, like it "felt nice" (?) idk. it all happened very fast so i dont know a lot, but I got immediately disturbed as i noticed and perceived such a look. i dont know if i really "felt" as opposed to "perceived". I didnt have desire. I didnt want it. but was i attracted? that's a strong word, but im afraid that the brain still felt something "nice", like the overall look was attractive or nice, as an instant positive reaction <brain: "oh that looks nice"> is that normal? am i a ****phile? i wasnt ready. it was sudden as i checked, it took some time to fully process the information. if i knew from the first thing that it was a trigger as usual, in a slow manner instead of sudden noticing, i wouldn't have felt this much uncertainty and these disturbing unclear reactions, i would thought "this looks se&ual because it is exposed skin but im not attracted to it". all this time i thought that when i noticed certain body parts was because it just looked se&ual and because of ocd, after this im starting to think that i find certain looks attractive and i recognised a similarity. maybe, could it be that my brain took some time to fully process things, and because it wasn't ready it wasn't able to relocate in time what was appropriate and not? like piece of informations didn't have enough time to be fully processed so instead of coming into one clear image it was fragmented, and something attractive slipped through as a separated information from the subject...? im very distressed and depressed because of this. the final nail in the coffin for today; i want to kick the bucket.