Every. Single. Time. I try doing stuff with my partner over the phone I feel like “oo! I want to do this” and the second it starts I am already shutting down again. Focusing on his flaws, telling myself I’m forcing to be attracted, and suddenly I’m completely turned off by him and immediately become filled with deep fear and guilt and shame. My boyfriend and I are two years today, and all I can think about is the fact that he deserves a partner who wants him sexually. Since the beginning, I’ve struggled so much with sex. I loved having him kiss me but when we did stuff I felt disconnected and insecure and nervous and unsure and afraid. I was the very definition of a selfish lover and that didn’t change until my partner expressed how badly it was hurting him. The fact that I only was able to truly see him sexually after that is probably hardcore proof I’m forcing it. I mean, I did want him to do things to me and I wanted to do things together and I liked knowing I could turn him on but I could never reciprocate and didn’t even think about reciprocating until I realized how important it was to him and only then did that emotional importance make it arousing to me. And here’s the thing…I loved having my partners hands on me, I loved kissing him and holding him, I loved when he would hold my hand and kiss my forehead during it, he made me feel like no one has and sure it wasn’t the greatest thing because of my anxiety but it was still something I craved and desired and wanted and loved. But there’s just too much proof. Like when I try to be reciprocative, I start to panic about what I’m doing because I don’t know if I’m doing it right, if I’m doing enough, enjoying it enough and it makes me not enjoy it and when I do enjoy it I feel like I’m “forcing” myself out of pity even though I genuinely want to make my partner feel good. I know people reciprocate out of their own pleasure but it doesn’t work like that for me, honestly the purely physical sensation aspect of it means little to me. What I actually enjoy is connecting emotionally with my partner and doing something to him no one else can and letting him know how much I love him and appreciate him and making him feel good. If it didn’t hold that meaning, I wouldn’t enjoy it much. I don’t get aroused just by seeing him and I know that’s normal but why is it that I do get aroused looking at women naked or overtly sexual even though I have 0% desire to touch them and this was even before the ocd so.. I’m aroused by kissing him, holding each other, hearing him do and say things, having him touch me. On top of that everything ive read talks about this desire to touch during intimacy but I don’t have that, I honestly just kind of freeze up and don’t know what to do or how to do anything which is honestly why I was selfish at first. But when my partner leads me a little I can enjoy myself a bit more and explore a little but it’s just that expectation of it needing to go somewhere that makes me so nervous because I don’t know how to take it there and I don’t know how to let go enough to do so. I just feel broken because I so so badly want to have that desire for my partner. I want to enjoy myself and I honestly don’t care about the physical pleasure of it, that’s nothing compared to the emotional connection and intimacy of us being so vulnerable with each other and me not being able to enjoy myself makes me feel like we’re not emotionally compatible even though I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. I want us to have that sexual connection, I want to please him without worrying about whether or not I like him, I want to have a fulfilling intimate life and make each other feel good because he really does get me going. I feel so scared and guilty and alone and ashamed. It’s like I’m doomed to have intercourse with a woman but that seems so painful and dreadful and uncomfortable and suffocating. With a man, specially my man I crave that desire , I want to work through my issues and be happy in my intimate life. But if it was with a woman I’d rather just give up sex for good because of how much I don’t want it. I keep focusing on his flaws, his “masculinity”, everything and making it seem dreadful. I’m sorry I just needed to vent , I feel defeated and I just want to be happy with my boy.