Every. Single. Time. I try doing stuff with my partner over the phone I feel like “oo! I want to do this” and the second it starts I am already shutting down again. Focusing on his flaws, telling myself I’m forcing to be attracted, and suddenly I’m completely turned off by him and immediately become filled with deep fear and guilt and shame. My boyfriend and I are two years today, and all I can think about is the fact that he deserves a partner who wants him sexually. Since the beginning, I’ve struggled so much with sex. I loved having him kiss me but when we did stuff I felt disconnected and insecure and nervous and unsure and afraid. I was the very definition of a selfish lover and that didn’t change until my partner expressed how badly it was hurting him. The fact that I only was able to truly see him sexually after that is probably hardcore proof I’m forcing it. I mean, I did want him to do things to me and I wanted to do things together and I liked knowing I could turn him on but I could never reciprocate and didn’t even think about reciprocating until I realized how important it was to him and only then did that emotional importance make it arousing to me. And here’s the thing…I loved having my partners hands on me, I loved kissing him and holding him, I loved when he would hold my hand and kiss my forehead during it, he made me feel like no one has and sure it wasn’t the greatest thing because of my anxiety but it was still something I craved and desired and wanted and loved. But there’s just too much proof. Like when I try to be reciprocative, I start to panic about what I’m doing because I don’t know if I’m doing it right, if I’m doing enough, enjoying it enough and it makes me not enjoy it and when I do enjoy it I feel like I’m “forcing” myself out of pity even though I genuinely want to make my partner feel good. I know people reciprocate out of their own pleasure but it doesn’t work like that for me, honestly the purely physical sensation aspect of it means little to me. What I actually enjoy is connecting emotionally with my partner and doing something to him no one else can and letting him know how much I love him and appreciate him and making him feel good. If it didn’t hold that meaning, I wouldn’t enjoy it much. I don’t get aroused just by seeing him and I know that’s normal but why is it that I do get aroused looking at women naked or overtly sexual even though I have 0% desire to touch them and this was even before the ocd so.. I’m aroused by kissing him, holding each other, hearing him do and say things, having him touch me. On top of that everything ive read talks about this desire to touch during intimacy but I don’t have that, I honestly just kind of freeze up and don’t know what to do or how to do anything which is honestly why I was selfish at first. But when my partner leads me a little I can enjoy myself a bit more and explore a little but it’s just that expectation of it needing to go somewhere that makes me so nervous because I don’t know how to take it there and I don’t know how to let go enough to do so. I just feel broken because I so so badly want to have that desire for my partner. I want to enjoy myself and I honestly don’t care about the physical pleasure of it, that’s nothing compared to the emotional connection and intimacy of us being so vulnerable with each other and me not being able to enjoy myself makes me feel like we’re not emotionally compatible even though I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. I want us to have that sexual connection, I want to please him without worrying about whether or not I like him, I want to have a fulfilling intimate life and make each other feel good because he really does get me going. I feel so scared and guilty and alone and ashamed. It’s like I’m doomed to have intercourse with a woman but that seems so painful and dreadful and uncomfortable and suffocating. With a man, specially my man I crave that desire , I want to work through my issues and be happy in my intimate life. But if it was with a woman I’d rather just give up sex for good because of how much I don’t want it. I keep focusing on his flaws, his “masculinity”, everything and making it seem dreadful. I’m sorry I just needed to vent , I feel defeated and I just want to be happy with my boy.

Hi everyone, I’m a 30-year-old woman, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. I’ve always felt emotionally close to him — he’s caring, supportive, and we planned a future together, including having a family. I don’t want to leave him. He means so much to me. But for a while now, I’ve been obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction to him anymore. It’s not like I never felt anything — when we first met, there were butterflies, excitement, emotional connection… something real. He was never “just a friend” to me. But the physical side of the relationship feels like it’s slowly faded, and I’m panicking about what that means. I keep thinking things like: – “Maybe I chose the wrong person.” – “You can’t be in love without sexual desire.” – “If I was truly in love, I would still want him.” – “What if I’ve been lying to myself this whole time?” Sometimes my body reacts — I can feel physical closeness or even arousal — but my mind shuts down and says: “no, this isn’t right.” Other times, I feel tension, resistance, or even disgust during intimacy, and I can’t tell if that’s anxiety or if something is fundamentally wrong. What makes this even more confusing is that I truly believe that real love includes sexual attraction. For me, it’s all part of one feeling — not separate. So if the attraction is gone, does that mean the love is too? Is it possible that this is still OCD — that my mind is obsessing and disconnecting me from my real feelings? Has anyone experienced something similar? Any support would mean so much. I feel so stuck between my mind and my heart.

I’m struggling with something I’m afraid to even admit out loud. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone I love deeply. He’s kind, safe, and emotionally close to me — and we’ve built a life together. But I keep obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction anymore. Or maybe… I never truly did? At the beginning, I felt butterflies, excitement, connection — and I assumed that meant I was also attracted to him physically. But now, after reading so much and reflecting more deeply, I’m starting to wonder if I ever truly felt sexual desire in the way I was “supposed to.” Maybe my feelings were more about emotional longing, comfort, and romantic closeness — but not sexual chemistry. And now I don’t know what that means. OCD makes it so much worse. It constantly tells me: – “If you really loved him, you’d want him.” – “You’re leading him on.” – “What if you’re lying to yourself?” – “If you try to fix this and fail, you’ll have to leave.” I feel stuck between wanting to fight for this relationship — and being terrified that trying will just prove it’s hopeless. Has anyone experienced something like this? Can OCD really make you question something so deeply personal? And how do you move forward when even trying feels terrifying? Any thoughts or support would mean the world right now.

Hello! I just needed a place to vent.. Me and my boyfriend are having a hard time right now because of my anxiety and because I have had vestibulodynia for 3 years. If you have a flare up of relationship ocd then this might trigger or something but I don’t know. Anyway, my vestibulodynia has made me afraid of intimacy a lot and my partner also in fear of hurting me has withdrawn a lot too. I still want him, it’s complicated. This year, things have been tougher with finding a cure, and that’s when I’ve started to have the thought ”what if it would be different with someone else?”, but I don’t want anyone else. I have had these urges to stare at attractive men, which I don’t really know why, a lot of fantasies come up in my mind, just popping in. About two times this year, I have been staring at an attractive guy/or just a guy a few times without really knowing why. I take it as a sign together with my withdrawal that I no longer want him, and is cheating. The thing is, I don’t like what I’m doing, and I don’t know why it happens, it’s like I can’t physically look away. I have to control myself to not stare. I know I can’t ask for reassurance here, but I would really like to know if this is ocd. I also had a fantasy of flirting but not leading to anything more, I think I wanted more chemistry with my boyfriend and it manifested into someone random that can’t hurt me. I don’t know what I just said meant but when I had it, I think I was clear with that I knew I only wanted those feelings with him, my boyfriend. The times I can’t stop staring, what usually happens in my mind is that I see that they are attractive, then I kind of take in their features but then I remember not to stare, but it’s weird cause it’s not like a calm ”oh so beautiful” it’s like my head keeps being turned and I physically cannot stop. I have heard of stare ocd but I’m not sure. It’s complicated because yes I feel sad because my vulvodynia messed up for us, because I was in heaven with him, before this relationship anxiety, and that was like one year ago still. When I don’t feel shame and when I allow myself, he makes me so so happy. But right now I feel like I don’t deserve him. He would never do anything like that. It feels like I have cheated, because it feel unloyal what I did. I wouldn’t want him to do that and I don’t know what I would do but I think I wouldn’t want to be with him. I’m so afraid that I have messed up. Sometimes I feel like I need to tell him, but I don’t know. I’m so scared because my dad was a cheater, I NEVER want to be like that. The fact that I’m doubting so much of I should be with him makes me feel like I’m cheating and he deserves better. It’s strange because it came from nowhere it feels like, it started when I started to give up on my vulvodynia for real, and when I felt like he seemed to care less. I never looked at guys like I have this year before, I feel so horrible. I wanted our relationship to be pure and loyal.