i imagined something horrible and i didn’t get like super anxious but i’m repulsed. sos.

i’m struggling. so i’m a nanny and i had an intrusive thought to like do something bad to him so i was very upset crying saying i don’t want to do it but as i was changing him i got closer to it to see if i would actually do it and i got grossed out. now im feel extremely guilty i even got closer.

i did something terrible trying to prove to myself that I can get """arousal""" even without being attracted because i was very nervous about pocd, I thought about several people that i'm not attracted to and then i did it thinking about a loved one and now I can't stop crying, It was very disgusting, I didn't even want to do it because I didn't feel good, but it's because I wanted to prove to myself that, I don't know. I just wanted to relieve the anxiety but it only got worse because I felt horrible doing it. I never want to do it again. im not attracted to this person, nor do I feel anything like that for them, but I feel terrible now, I've never been so scared. i want to apologize to them too. is this compulsion????? what was i doing? why did i do this, i feel horrible but i i want to test myself again, i don't know why (im using a translator, there may be something wrong, please help me)

i saw a trigger. and immediately imagined something se&ual that i really dislike and dont want. and now i feel horrible, because even if i didnt like it, i still imagined it. yes, it was an egodystonic intrusive image, but the moment i saw the trigger i knew i was going to have an intrusive image, i could have blocked it, i could have tried, but instead it happened automatically, the same type of se&ual image that is the same specific kind for any trigger, just now i was thinking abt it and it immediately appeared in my head. i dont know how much control do i have in it, because as i think abt it, it gets automatically visualized, but i'm the one who still gives the imput. i wonder how much responsibility do I have in this. because the unwanted image is sudden and automatic, but is like im conceding, im allowing it, like giving it up. it's some kind of self sabotage, it's not ocd creating the intrusive images, it's me imagining automatically and immediately once I see a threat what i don't want to think because i'm so used to, to sabotage myself and it feels horrible, especially if the trigger is a real person. it's like self sabotage. im not receiving passivly, im somehow actively thinking it automatically, i don't know how to explain it. i think abt how can't look at their parents eyes because they would be disgusted by me. no parent would be okay if someone had such images of their triggers even though it was intrusive and unwanted. and that feels defeating.