One of Plato’s most enduring works is the Apology in which Socrates must defend himself on trial. In a way, it’s a look at what drives a philosopher, a professional ruminator. Socrates spends much of his time in the other dialogues scrutinizing the declarations of others, and now he stands being scrutinized himself, in a way allowing others to play the role of Socrates. In this way, Plato makes Socrates a phenomenon rather than a man. Socrates is public scrutiny. Justifications for things must have public validity and that one ought to live one’s life in search of answers which can withstand the slings and arrows of Socrates. I have come to realize that I often think as if I’m on trial in front of an invisible crowd, and this unifies a surprising variety of obsessions for me. A fairly straightforward example is my fear of not knowing what to say if caught in an argument about a topic. I rarely argue about philosophical, political, or ethical topics in person. But I am always arguing in my mind, trying to come up with answers to the invisible interrogators in my mind. Whereas most people win the arguments they have in their heads (they’re rigged for a quick ego boost), I frequently lose, making me anxious about the real world situations (or so OCD says) in which I might be interrogated on such a subject. Hours and hours of ruminating go into this. On the other hand, the theme to which this concept relates can be as different as retroactive jealousy. Recently I posted about how I have intrusive thoughts about my girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex for religious reasons (on both sides), having sex or being physically intimate with past sexual partners. This is usually triggered by physical intimacy. These moments start to feel really special, but then I get these vivid thoughts of her with her past sexual partners and a voice says “You think this is special? That’s cute. Look what I did with her.” The feeling of specialness subsequently goes away and I can’t regain it. It reminds me of a scene in the HBO series Barry. When Barry tells off his love interest Sally’s abusive boyfriend, the boyfriend, before driving away, quips back with, “And don’t forget: I fucked her first. I got that shit when it was tight.” It’s supposed to seem gross and pathetic in the scene but it kind of gets to me. From what she’s told me, I would not be surprised if one of her exes would say or think something like that. The thing is, a big part of it is that I feel like I have to give a justification for my feelings of specialness to voices like these that scrutinize my feelings of specialness around physical intimacy with my girlfriend. And I have to do so in a way that would withstand public scrutiny, so even if I have an answer that aligns with my own views, it’s not enough. This becomes an ever shifting goalpost and I end up losing the fight depressed and disengaged, feeling that our physical intimacy isn’t at special after all. I could go on and talk about my communication obsessions, my religious obsessions, my other relationship obsessions, etc. I think you get the idea. But you know what? Philosophical conversations are about so much more than avoiding embarrassment. With good partners in debate, you can learn a lot, which is far more important. Why should I care if I embarrass myself by not having thought things through enough? And the guys my girlfriend had sex with have done nothing to earn my respect, especially not the particularly gross versions of them my OCD creates to mock me so. So why should I care what they think of the specialness of my and my girlfriend’s physical intimacy? There is no need to walk around with Socrates in my ear all the time. I’m not on trial; I’m on winter break, and the guy is a real buzzkill.

Last week I fell into a bit of an existential spiral, which hasn't happened for a long while. Now that I'm mostly on the other side, I think it's important to reflect on the lessons I learned from it. I hope this is helpful for others who find themselves in their own spiral, existential or not. 1. The thought, "I'm never getting out of this one," will always be there, and it will always be a lie. Whenever I fall into a deep existential spiral (which is pretty rare these days), it *always* feels as though I've uncovered some horrible thought that I'm never going to be able to get past. As if I've finally found that one existential thought this is going to ruin me for the rest of my life. When that happens, allow the thought to come and go just like the rest of the thoughts, and take some time to reflect on how you've been there before. For me, it helps to sarcastically agree with it: "Yep you're right! THIS is the one that'll do me in." 2. Keep doing what you do A major difference between this spiral and past ones is that I forced myself to not cancel any plans because of it. I played at an open mic, accompanied my friend on mandolin for his performance, and I attended a run group, all while experiencing an existential crisis. I definitely think this shortened the length of the episode. I proved to myself that I could do some pretty demanding things despite the thoughts. I was also able to reflect on how when I was forced to be present (such as while performing), the existential crisis totally subsided. Which brings me to... 3. Trust in mindfulness I absolutely get it; when you're in the middle of a spiral, the idea of just "bringing yourself into the present moment" seems laughably unhelpful. This time in particular, it really felt irresponsible to *not* attend to the thoughts. It genuinely felt like I had to *solve* these existential questions before I could move on to anything else, including the present moment. But when I reflect on the times that I felt the most at-ease, it was always when I was present. It was during the 10 seconds I took to breath and notice my surroundings. It was when I disengaged from the thoughts and allowed them to come and go. It was when I smelled the fresh air after a thunderstorm, or during a conversation with a friend about her breakup. It was when I named the feelings and emotions I was experiencing, and welcomed it all. Existential thoughts are supposed to be about reality, but when you're lost in them, you aren't actually *in* reality. They're only scary in the virtual reality of the mind. And finally... 4. Yes, the compulsions are the problem I did a LOT of research last week. I watched videos, Googled, and even dove into ChatGPT. The compulsions were obvious, and they were never enough. Every answer that made me feel a little better was followed by doubt less than 15 minutes later. In the moment it genuinely feels like you HAVE to keep doing the compulsions, but you need to trust that that's exactly what is making you feel worse. In order to stop researching, I just had to...stop researching. It was hard at first, but eventually the spiral stopped spinning, and the longer I waited between compulsions, the easier it was to move on.

I’ve been gone for about a month, mostly because I kept seeing messages on here that felt super anxiety-inducing and not understanding of OCD at all. Honestly, it got to the point where I started getting nervous to even open the app. Lately, I’ve been stuck in this OCD loop that I think might be moral scrupulosity or something like that. I’ve been dealing with this thing where I feel like I have to “challenge” stuff mentally or verbally, like if I don’t say something out loud, it feels super uncomfortable. And the thoughts are about heavy stuff, like assault or deportation or just really morally loaded topics. My brain starts picking everything apart. It’s like I have to look at things fairly, and then I get trapped in all these little technicalities. For example, if someone gets assaulted, my brain fixates on stuff like “what was she wearing”even though I know how harmful that line of thinking is. That is exactly the kind of thing my mind zooms in on. It happens with a bunch of topics too, not just that. I feel like I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the aggressor or see “both sides,” and then I end up doubting the victim. And the worst part is, it feels like I truly believe these devil’s advocate thoughts. It feels so real. It’s like I become convinced that the victim might be lying or that there’s some justification for the harm, and I don’t like it. This even happens with my boyfriend and especially his family. I’ll catch my brain flipping narratives or making me question people I trust. this has been a “habit”for as long as I can remember but now it’s happening so much more. I cannot stop doubting. It feels like I’m siding with people who I should have no doubts to be against. I don’t know what to do or what kind of ERP would work for this. I don’t know how to change this. It’s been apart of me so long, it simply feels like me.

OCD has done a lot of damage in my life. It made my high school experience miserable, it made things rough for my freshman year of college and it negatively affected my first relationship recently. I have gotten better with finding better copping mechanisms and I thought I had everything handled entering my first relationship in February. However after a month in, I kept overthinking stuff. I kept having “what if’s” pop into my head and I would try to fight it but it didn’t make things better. I kept worrying about stuff with my ex, even overthinking her bad days when she was more reserved. I went to her friends for advice on handling things and trying to understand her. I have talked to her about my OCD and she was supportive of me and understanding. I just didn’t want to annoy her when she was dealing with a lot her freshman year of college. I knew her friends wanted the best for us and became closer to me, but in the times I was panicked, I over shared stuff about our relationship. My ex found out about it over the summer. I told her months prior that I’ve gone to her friends once before just for advice on things and she had no issues with that. Regardless, I handled things poorly even with good intentions. I went to her friends for advice a good few times and the reassurance didn’t make things better. It was like a drug that helped me in the moment. Communication issues caused things to go downhill with my ex and I and it sucks. I kept feeling like I had to be perfect for her and I can’t make a single mistake or she would end things, but she loved me for everything I am, even my flaws. I just put so much pressure on myself. We both hope to be with each other in the future and know we can come back together stronger. I just feel guilt and shame for my mistakes and I don’t want to make them again and feel better about being with her. She didn’t do anything to make me feel pressure. She’s a very no bs type of person as her first relationship didn’t go well as she was badly mistreated.