When I was around 10 I went to a friends house and there were newborn kittens that a stray cat had birthed inside someone’s car. I asked that they be taken to the aspca in a box and the adult I spoke to said they could have disease and should not be touched. Next thing you know the men are throwing them across a fence… and I am crying. I don’t remember if I was able to voice them to stop. I feel very guilty that I couldn’t stop them. Then when I was around 13 I had a hamster that I didn’t take very good care of. It used to store food in the bedding so it was hard to tell when it needed food. So I fed it sort of irregularly bc it became a habit. The cage stank and my grandma put it on the balcony sometimes and it was cold at times. One day I came home and found it dead. Idk from starvation or coldness. I feel terrible. Then when I was 18 I had a puppy fly in from Korea. It was really small and it all of a sudden passed out so I rushed her to the vet. They saved her and said they force fed her a lot and told me to feed her every couple hours. It was nighttime when we got home and I thought she would be ok until the next morning so I put her in her area with food and water. The next morning she had passed away. I can’t help but think I took a chance with her life. Thinking she would be ok but not knowing she would be and still deciding to sleep and taking chance. Because of these 3 instances I feel unworthy of living. I don’t know how to sit with the guilt. It is too much. Why couldn’t I scream at the adults to stop throwing the kittens. Was I lazy was I too introverted was I in shock I don’t know but I don’t feel like I deserve to live at this point. Why didn’t I just feed the puppy every 3-4 hours throughout the night. Why didn’t I take very good care of the hamster and clean its cage regularly and feed it more regularly. How did I live till now without dwelling on the guilt from these instances. How can I live.