I’ve always wanted men I’ve always been straight. My heart is straight my heart wants men well one in particular not really plural but you know. And I just now shook my head and said not but my heart is straight my heart is straight I was gonna say more importantly my body but they’re basically equal my heart is straight my body wants men. So why do I feel this tight feeling in my chest hard area and a rush thing women I don’t want women and men my heart wants men why am I shaking my head in the negative my heart wants my my heart does not want women why would it feel better adding when I just want men. One man I usually go referencing to my guy him/men like men broadly him specifically and then adding him such I don’t want women I don’t understand! My heart want him abs my body wants men. I’m scared I feel so detached like I don’t care I don’t wanna lose it for my guy like he’s not just some other guy I don’t ever wanna lose my feelings and I shrug and say so but I don’t wanna move on. I really really hope that this weird emotionless or really distant feeling has something to do with the meds I took they’re not prescribed to me but they help me sleep. Flexeril. It’s a muscle relaxer I really should take them 😞

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).

hi guys i added to list. i’m freaking out i just need some help. signs of comphet (comphet is when lesbians who don’t know it and just follow norms and believe there straight) ive felt: “I never felt anything when kissing boys and totally thought that was normal… I talk to men, go on dates, but I think it’s to keep my life ‘interesting’ and have something to talk about with friends.” • lack of deep, natural emotional connection • • talking about my boyfriend to other people made me feel “cool”, “worthy”, “interesting” and felt like a way to prove myself • being able to clearly articulate all the reasons I liked a guy crush/my boyfriend (he’s smart, funny, kind, handsome, etc) whereas with a girl crush I can’t exactly put my finger on why I like them but I’m just naturally drawn to them • never missing my exes or feeling heartbroken about them (i would feel sad from being lonely and no longer having that daily routine of having someone to talk to, but didn’t necessarily miss that specific person) • i was always very hesitant about “becoming official” with a guy i would be seeing and would make him wait before deciding to date because i “didn’t know if i really liked him or not” only being aroused by their the man’s desire for me • Thinking I was cooler than other girls because I didn't spend any time thinking about how cute boys were or being "boy-crazy". I was under the impression for a while that I must just be less shallow than other people because I didn't really take looks into account when I had a crush on a boy, I only factored in their personality. chasing the ego boost more than emotional closeness agreed with friends or mom about someone being attractive even if you didn’t feel it—another big flag being bored, ditching serious commitment, chasing the drama again it also feels like i’m acting a lot of the time to make it more romantic cause i cringe When you fantasize about men, it is mostly just enacting a kind of narrative. More focused on movement than features- the men in your fantasies might be faceless or blank-featured or their bodies might symbolize some emotion. you might not even be in the in the fantasy, but instead another faceless woman might be. You might even imagine yourself as the man. The narrative follows the sexual script, but the details are more vague and abstract and might even shift and change throughout the fantasy. i dont care about like what guys looks like. like my sister saw a video of a guy working out and was like got damn omg gotta like that. if i saw that i would prob be like damn to try and prove something to myself but i don’t really understand what i should feel it feels like i relate to so much comphet after i read it on reddit and it doesn’t even make me want to cry and die anymore. it feels like i tolerate men or have done it for attention or because i thought it was going to happen at some point cause it was what was happening around me like sister and friends. i’m scared ill never find someone i want to marry that’s a man it feels like it’s all just comphet and i don’t want to actually be with a man the more my meds work and anxiety lessens the more the fear feels real because i can’t get myself anxious about it anymore. i can about other stuff but not this. i always told myself i don’t chase i attract. maybe thats cause i never wanted a big badly enough. maybe what im missing is a girl what if that ends up feeling more real Straight people don’t need to talk themselves into what’s hot. like during the hocd break i would try and like see what was “hot” and and be like yeah that’s hot. i also i refused to masturbate to women and not think about it because i didn’t want it to prove that i still liked it but i mean idk if that was left over hocd

could this be normal for a straight girl with hocd backdoor spike and meds or am i more likely attracted to women: basically i gave chatgpt my story that i wrote about basically my whole life and asked to give a list of what can’t be explained by hocd backdoor spike avoidant attachment and platonic feelings for women and it gave me this long scary list now im tweaking out because it says im like lot genuinely attracted to women more then men even tho i thought i was straight my whole life. i also deleted some that i didnt think were accurate and sounded to real and scary please help 1. i have vivid, detailed fantasies about women—like dominant, feminine women pinning me down or wearing sexy outfits—that feel rich and really arousing that don’t always feel like just abstract mental tests but still cause questioning 2. i get crush-like butterflies around girls that come from excitement, not from panic or obsessive questioning like when im excited and want them to like me 3. i really long for close emotional bonds with women—i prefer hanging out with my girlfriends, feel so much closer to them, and daydream about vacations or shared lives with them which might be platonic but idk does it sound like it’s more? 4. i feel avoidant or indifferent about dates, texting, or missing my boyfriend—i notice i don’t look forward to those things the way i do with female friends. 6. sometimes i feel genuine arousal around thoughts of women that doesn’t instantly trigger panic or compulsive checking. might be meds idk or backdoor spike but idk what do you think 7. imagining a life with a female partner—vacations, emotional support, happiness—brings me comfort and a sense of fun 8. even when my anxiety is low (on meds or pausing ERP), attraction to women stays strong or even becomes clearer which makes me wonder what if it’s real but it doesn’t cause me anxiety 9. i recognize comphet signs—like chasing ego boosts with guys 10. i replay past crushes on guys and wonder if i only did it for social validation rather than genuine desire. 11. i don’t feel strong emotional connection or romantic longing for men i’ve dated seriously after like 6 months 12. i’m more on edge or sensitive around women—nervous, protective when they make new friends im scared it’s not platonic 13. i can picture myself in both traditional gender roles with women—sometimes imagining being the “girl,” sometimes the “boy” 14. romantic or sexual excitement with men often feels performance-based or like acting, rather than natural desire but maybe that avoidant attachment 15. i’m way more drawn to certain women’s personalities and energy—like confident, dominant women—than to men’s emotional depth. 16. i’m scared that attraction to women might feel “too real,” which is what happens when new parts of identity emerge through HOCD BUT MAYBE ITS BACKDOOR SPIKE 18. my strongest emotional connections and sources of happiness have always come from female friendships, not male romantic relationships. 19. i feel little curiosity or excitement for typical guy, 21. i want to be straight so bad 23. i’ve had orgasms with men, but i question whether it was emotional or romantic—whereas with women, the emotional connection feels more strong but friend wise lily with my girls and girls i want to be friends with 25. when my anxiety drops (thanks to meds and therapy), the attractions that remain feel so real but still with dread and some anxiety