I’ve always wanted men I’ve always been straight. My heart is straight my heart wants men well one in particular not really plural but you know. And I just now shook my head and said not but my heart is straight my heart is straight I was gonna say more importantly my body but they’re basically equal my heart is straight my body wants men. So why do I feel this tight feeling in my chest hard area and a rush thing women I don’t want women and men my heart wants men why am I shaking my head in the negative my heart wants my my heart does not want women why would it feel better adding when I just want men. One man I usually go referencing to my guy him/men like men broadly him specifically and then adding him such I don’t want women I don’t understand! My heart want him abs my body wants men. I’m scared I feel so detached like I don’t care I don’t wanna lose it for my guy like he’s not just some other guy I don’t ever wanna lose my feelings and I shrug and say so but I don’t wanna move on. I really really hope that this weird emotionless or really distant feeling has something to do with the meds I took they’re not prescribed to me but they help me sleep. Flexeril. It’s a muscle relaxer I really should take them 😞

I’ve had this type of OCD for a couple of years and I will tell u that what your experiencing right now is a major spike and that’s ok… it sucks cause you truly feel hopeless and like the world is ending but one thing that I have discovered about all of this is that ocd loves to grab on to what we value and what we are attached to.

If you are attached to not wanting this spike to be happening,if your attached to wanting and needing to be with this guy, if your attached to wanting and needing to be straight ocd will use that in the form of putting thoughts,images,and ideas in your head that go against all of those desires. OCD does this because knows that you will be motivated to do whatever it takes to “settle this” or “figure it out” or in other words do compulsions which is what it loves and feeds off of

I’m scared of acting so happy and I’m having a smile on my facing don’t feel like I but I do care I’m scared I’m just forcing it and I am scared why would I smile saying don’t and I should but I don’t want to move on. It’s not that I don’t I do care about my guy it’s not that I don’t at all so why would I smile and say don’t feel like I do feel like that like I have a smile on my face and don’t feel like I know I care so why would I feel like that I can’t stop insisting don’t and I’m fine I’m just faking in forcing it but I do feel like I care I said not about I do actually care about him not not I do underneath the fog of the meds I just hate saying feel like I don’t I do feel like I care it’s not that I don’t I’m scared of unfortunate and I’m smiling and I feel empty like I don’t know shake my head the negative like I don’t and I’m empty I don’t care I don’t wanna feel empty I don’t wanna stop caring and I am scared. I keep shaking my head the negative saying maybe I don’t want there to be a knot I wander away before there’s no maybe he’s the guy I don’t wanna feel like I’m stopped caring I don’t want to feel like that and I can’t stop saying don’t but I do feel like I care underneath it’s not that I don’t care it’s not cares

** not who cares