How do I know if my harmful thoughts of myself are ocd or depression? My mind tells me nonstop to grab a gun and shoot myself but I’m also aware of the fact that I have much to live for, despite what my mind tells me. I also view taking your life as morally wrong (to me). This all started as a thought but now it feels like it’s straight on depression and it could be real. Anyone else gone through this? I fear it’s depression because I’ve internally thought about how no one likes me and it’ll never change or get better, despite knowing that nothing is ever permanent, why can’t I just change my thinking 😭 I fear that my erp won’t help me and I’ll still lose control of myself.

It’s like this: I understand the pros of life, why suicide is wrong, that I have so much to live for, and that my original intrusive thought was “you should harm yourself to get people to care about you” to now it’s “grab a gun and just kill yourself” but both give me extreme anxiety. However, besides me acknowledging the positives in my life, my thoughts are also of hopelessness, telling me “this will never change” or “you’re not allowed to do things you like because you’re just avoiding your thoughts” and such. This is so much worse than my last OCD theme and scarier.

I know right, and I’ve been through this battle before. It’s like if I conjure up an exposure related to suicide/harm, my mind tells me I’ve accepted it and it’s a plan and I’m done for. But I’m so hard-skulled that I refuse to actually give it consideration.

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@Recoverer Well I think it’s good to just try to let the thoughts come and go. Suicidal ocd is my primary and most severe theme so I totally understand how upsetting the thoughts can be. I’ve cried many, many times and even vomited because of the thoughts, because they are so scary. But I’ve found that utilizing erp skills has actually been very helpful. I know it really sucks, but we have to realize we’re more than likely suffering from ocd.

@MCT Can you really separate intrusive thoughts like “I don’t want to be here anymore” as ocd from something else?

I can’t tell if there’s doubt in me or not though. Sometimes the anxiety doesn’t feel high enough over such a sensitive topic. There’s depression involved and negative thinking and I can’t get it to stop.

@Recoverer what you just said is a doubt. The fact that you don't know whether is a doubt or not is a doubt.

*kill

@MCT Is it weird I only obsess over guns though rather than any other means?

@Recoverer I mean in my experience I only have a couple means that I get thoughts about, and others that I don’t and don’t trigger me. I think for me there’s some trauma behind it.

@MCT I hate this so much, I really do, it’s like it’s back and forth between ocd and depression or just both. And if it’s depression that means I could do something, even though I’m spiritually repulsed by it. I thought SOCD was bad until this happened a few days ago.

My problem is, I had an intrusive thought as it relates to me feeling lonely and internalizing that notion for years. I had never obsessed over this theme ever until this week. I’ve had thoughts like this before during my life but they came and passed. But now, since it’s attached to feeling alone, that’s why I fear it’s not just ocd. Because deep down I know this thought originated from a notion that I’m lonely and no one cares about me, despite me being aware that that isn’t true logically. But because I’ve felt lonely, and then the intrusive thought comes, that means it is real, despite me being diagnosed with ocd already. And technically my last theme originated from loneliness too, although that theme wasn’t suicidal or harm. I’m just so confused on what to do. I can’t really ask myself how I feel because I know what’s wrong and right but in the same instance sometimes I feel like I want to be an elderly person close to the end of their life and die peacefully. So idk, all of this is very conflicting, I feel like the only way to help me is to somehow erase this thought from ever entering my mind because then I wouldn’t be in this mess. Or some kind of brain surgery to increase my serotonin levels. Even when I say that though, my mind tells me, “no you’d just rather not be here”

I’m afraid of getting strapped to a bed too though at a hospital 😭