Can ocd blow a real event past mistake out of proportion or should I actually be worried that what I’ve done is too bad to be forgiven

TW Religious OCD TW Racism I’ll try to make this somewhat quick, but there is some doubt to this memory, but I’ll say what I know. For one, I have had an obsession with doing bad prayers. Secondly, this is not just normal intrusive thoughts. My main fear was a racist prayer. Unfortunately, my brain found the perfect pathway for this. I was so afraid of a prayer being racist, that if all people of color suddenly died, I would feel so guilty, that I could attempt suicide (I was already suicidal). Unfortunately, this was something I could selfishly want, because of the suicide aspect. I feel like the best thing I can compare it to, is someone who is suicidal, who selfishly wouldn’t be upset if a meteor hit earth or something, cause they wouldn’t be at fault and they wouldn’t die. Or someone who is suicidal who selfishly would be ok with World War 3, because it could mean that they died, and there’s nothing for them to personally feel guilty about if it wasn’t their fault. My brain one day came up with something. If I prayed for something bad to happen, it would be my fault. But what if in the conditions of the prayer, for it to happen, I was magically at NO fault at all. Basically like the meteor scenario. What if everything was completely devoid of guilt. All of the sudden I feel like I became ok with it, prayed for it, and IMMEDIATELY regretted it, but knew what I was doing when I did it. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I’m pretty sure I quickly prayed for this, and then regretted it. The issue is, I don’t know how much influence ocd had over me when I did it. I mean, ocd did have an influence in putting together that scenario at first. It put together the WORST possible scenario in a way I could mean it could think of. I can’t completely remember how it happened. If it did happen, and it was my fault, how should I approach it? I feel horrible about it. Unfortunately, I am a bit worried it could happen again. Is this something I should forgive myself for? I know it’s terrible. Another option my mind presents is making myself feel as awful as possible consistently. Unfortunately, that leads to more issues. I’m very confused about this whole scenario, and I don’t think it is all intrusive thoughts. I do believe that ocd deliberately set me up in a scenario where I could pray for something awful, but I also believe I prayed for it and meant it when I did.

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

Hey guys, for the past three months I’ve been obsessing over a mistake I made about 6 months ago, I constantly have panic attacks and wake up in fight or flight mode I have convinced myself that someone is gonna find me somehow and punish me. I have endlessly looked up reassurance that what I did wouldn’t get me in trouble or something, I have filled up 5 different ChatGPT chats and it tells me it’s 100% certain nothing will happen. But then I convince myself well everyone says not to trust it and then I just spiral again. The point is I’m just scared, I’ve convinced myself this isn’t OCD because it’s something I actually did wrong. I can’t stop looking for reassurance because that’s the only thing that makes me feel safe anymore. Everyone tells me, just say maybe, maybe not, but my brain has convinced me the stakes are too high. I’m too scared and I don’t know what to do.