- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
13 years is along time for you to go through this I am extremely sorry, I’ve been having hocd for just the bast two months and I completely undestand what you mean about missing being able to wake up refreshed. I know you say this is the moment you finally just admit to yourself that you are a homosexual man but if this has been going on for such a long span of time do you really think it’s true that you are gay? I mean what I’m trying to say is yes it’s difficult for people to come out im aware of that but people who are gay find pleasure in homosexual thoughts and you clearly sound distressed by all of this you have been going through. I just think that when ocd has been there for so long it convinces you to believe your thoughts, mines only been here for about 2 months and some days my mind convinces me I am gay even though I know I’m straight and I I have a boyfriend who I love dearly. it’s a really hard battle to go through tbh I sit here sometimes wondering why does ocd have to be a thing it’s so evil or why do I have to have this illness. I want my life back and I’m sure you do too for you and your son , I think because of the amount of people I’ve seen talk about ERP (especially for the type of ocd you and I have ) that you should maybe try it again? I know you said it caused you distress but overtime I’ve heard that the pain goes away that you have attached to the intrusive thoughts because your mind is so bored of them. I think next month I’m going to try it too, because like you I miss just being able to enjoy life without having to think about whether I’m gay every five seconds I wish you all the best I’m sorry if anything doesn’t make sense.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Im (25 F) am also going through this. I have a hard time because there are moment where I question whether I am actually attracted to men and if I do love my boyfriend. There are times when I try to analyze my feelings for him and if they are true. I worry that I’m gay and actually into women. My thoughts used to disgust me a lot and distress me but with some ERP it was getting better, it was like they were there but didn’t have to mean anything in that moment. Now though, I’m nervous that the thoughts not making me nervous mean something and that they are not going completely away for a reason and because what if it’s bc Im actually gay. I feel like I can’t be authentic and be who I want to be. I just want to be happy and in love with my boyfriend, but I worry that it’s internalized homophobia. Ugh so many worries which lead to thoughts. I feel you both on the not being able to wake up refreshed. How do you focus on your relationship to enjoy it and do you also have these doubts?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous Hi I have replied to your comment hope you can see it on this thread somewhere it’s very long though, my apologies if the length is any inconvenience x
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@Ope @graciepops17 Thanks for sharing! Do y’all ever start to analyze the past? Right now I’m trying to think back to a moment and I was thinking that in this one situation I must have had the “am I attracted to her” thought but when I put the timeline together, I hadn’t had the initial trigger moment that has led me to question all of this. So I wonder, could I have been truly questioning my sexuality and had attractions to girls before? Or is my timeline off and I think I had those thoughts then just bc I’ve had these thoughts so much I think they must have been everywhere? Like Im worried Im remembering this wrongly.. ugh idk Could I have had these thoughts and them not be real like no significance before it became an ocd thing. Does that make sense?
- Date posted
- 3y
I think that just because you have had the thoughts so much your timeline is definetly off, sometimes ocd causes like false memories and situations too so it also could be that.
- Date posted
- 3y
It’s horrible isn’t it I’m really sorry you are going through this I’m 16 f and although I’m only young I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he’s my entire world and we have never had any problems. I understand what you mean completely since my hocd started I also started getting intrusive thoughts like do I even love him if this is going on, then I realised I also think I have rocd. I tried twice to split up with him sadly, because my mind was telling me not only that I am gay but also that I do not love my best friend honestly heart breaking. Both times I tried to end it he said no🤣 he understands what I’m going through (not completely) but enough to know I do love him. He is so confident in my love for him and I know he’s right because I do love him. This ocd is horrible both hocd and rocd because hocd just makes you feel like someone has taken away your identity, that’s what it feels like for me anyway. I have always identified as a straight female, I’ve always been attracted to boys my entire life I I often here coming out story’s were they say there were signs they were gay there whole life and then I sit there to try look for signs to see if I am gay or not. I’ve never found any signs that I am from my past, but even if you ever do that can also just be ocd doubting your thoughts. Anyway I don’t know what your HOCD is like personally but for me whenever I look in the mirror my head tells me I’m gay, every action I do, the way I sit the way I talk sometimes, when I’m putting on makeup which is something I used to love to do my mind goes ‘ you are only doing this to make yourself look more straight’ even though I know I’m straight it’s crazy. And when I see a woman that’s pretty I’ve always been able to acknowledge when another female is attractive but since this, if I find another girl attractive my mind instantly says things like ‘That’s means you are gay’ ‘ you must be gay if you look at another girl and think she is pretty’ ‘ you need to come out because straight people do not go through this’ I also often find myself looking at girls to see if I’m attracted to them the same way as men, well my boyfriend. And then I get mental images but these just really disturb me and make me feel sick. Just to clarify the thought of two women together doesn’t make me feel sick, I’m not homophobic at all it’s just the thought of me personally with a woman I don’t like it it doesn’t feel right. When hocd started after two weeks it was so difficult that I said to my boyfriend I think I’m bisexual and this is me telling you, and he was like okay that’s fine. That gave me relief for about an hour because I thought yay I’ve finally found my ‘true’ self I’m a bisexual woman with a man that’s okay all these thoughts will end now. But then an hour later I just felt sick, I knew I was just lying to myself to please the thoughts and it just didn’t feel right. If it felt right the thought of me with another girl wouldn’t make me feel ill. ( apologies I’m writing a lot but I just want you to know you are not alone) And ROCD is horrible too, I wish I could take all ocd away from every sufferer in the world but I just feel like rocd is really heartbreaking. For your brain to tell you you don’t love people that you KNOW you do is just disgusting. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have wished I could just go back to normal and for this to all go away, there were days just only last week were I was convinced that I do not love anyone in my life at all and that’s that. we think cause the thoughts are always there, that it means they are true. They are not. This is really hard and I know it is for you too, just know your thoughts are not reality. I always think of it like this when I’m with my boyfriend and for the 30 seconds I finally don’t have a single intrusive thought about whether I love him or if I’m gay, all I feel is love and warm inside and just pure happiness like it used to be before my ocd began. I’m sure that’s how you feel with yours too when your brain isn’t torturing you. So that just proves your thoughts aren’t true, that’s what gives me hope is I rneber the moments were I wasn’t worrying and how good it feels that what makes me want to get better too If you have any more questions please ask me, I know that was so long to read but I just don’t want you to feel Alone, even before ocd I often felt depressed for about a year or two still don’t know why, but this ocd is a new pain I’ve never felt and I feel so much sympathy towards anyone going through it in the world it’s really not talked about enough all my love grace x
- Date posted
- 3y
@Ope Totally get what you mean!! I remember seeing magic Mike vids and thinking I just don’t understand the hype like they are abit too muscular for me aha. I know what you mean about womens bodies though, I’ve always thought other womens bodies are pretty not my own because you know as humans we like to be mean to ourselves but ever since this ocd has begun if I think a woman is pretty on say Instagram or TikTok I panic and the thoughts start and then I’m like if you think they are pretty you are gay and also like you I then think you are just in denial just come out already. But then As I’ve said I couldn’t imagine and wouldn’t want to be with a woman like that and I just think the fact that this distresses us just proves we aren’t in denial and this really is just ocd doubting our every action. Which can I just add is so tiring someone please make a cure ahah
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Thanks so much for sharing! I can relate to everything you said. I definitely know I have HOCD and ROCD and I’ve been going through erp to help with sitting with uncertainty. It’s just so hard when the thoughts come and I’m not able to just say “maybe, maybe not” and instead I try to analyze everything. When I’m in this state it always makes me question if those moments where I felt happy or in love or care for my boyfriend even were real. Do you get what I mean? And it’s hard to come out of that.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@Ope I was just thinking this. My brain always throws this at me like you just not be into men bc you don’t go crazy over this. I am into men and I feel attracted to them and o think some are hot but it’s so hard when then you see other women who are instantly attracted or aroused by a shirtless guy and are so vocal about it bc it makes my experience and attraction to men not feel like enough for a straight person. Glad to hear that someone also has a similar experience to me.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous I know completely what you mean, it’s so difficult but the part were u are thinking was that even real is also just your ocd doubting every feeling you have. I’m so sorry you are going through this it’s really difficult
Related posts
- Date posted
- 19w
Hello, I unknowingly have lived with ROCD or OCD (not sure what one. I’m new to this). It has ruined so many amazing romantic and platonic relationships and I am so sad that just now I am finding out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe life would be different if I have known. My OCD and anxiety is at an all time high (ATH) due to some horrible events that have happened in the recent months. I am at the point where paranoia has taken over my life now. I had my first panic attack a few weeks ago where I fainted. My anxiety attacks are so extreme I go thought cognitive distortion that has lasted days. My girlfriend of 3 years is my emotional guardian and she no long has the energy to be that and honestly it’s not her responsibility to be that. She is bi and wanted to have an open relationship and for someone who has OCD this has not been good for me. She also was assaulted in my own home by a good friend of ours when I was out of town but it’s not a clear situation because it sounded consensual at first. I just left my very high paying job. I am financially secure but the job was emotionally abusive and looking back made my OCD worse. I am taking some time off to get my head right…but now, all I have to do during the day is live in my OCD. I’m very happy I finally figured out why I act the way I do but I don’t know if I can get better quick enough to save my relationship. I have never been so worried about myself (M 28 years old). I am a confident young professional and never thought I would be writing on a page like this. Anyway…I hope it gets better.
- Date posted
- 19w
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
- Date posted
- 13w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
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