I am going to try my best to articulate what I am going through this morning…. 13 years. For 13 years I have been going through this problem. It all started one night when a friend made a comment about me being straight. Was that true, or was I really just a gay person? That started a cycle of doubt that I’ve never really broken. I wake up most mornings with extreme anxiety. I think that a straight person wouldn’t go through what I am going through. Every thought is that I am gay. The way I talk, the way I walk, the way that I act… I now see certain guys and find them attractive. I find myself looking at every couple and wondering whether I think the woman or man is more attractive. If I find the male to be more attractive, I often wonder why those two are together. I then wonder, “maybe he’s a gay man and he is with her to hide.” Growing up, I had what I thought were entirely heterosexual urges. I had dreams about girls, I wanted to date girls, etc. I didn’t have many girls I was interested in, though. I then think that, well, I was probably just not ready to admit to myself who I really was. That all of those instances where I found myself wanting to be like other boys were really me having early sexual feelings for them. I should preface all of this with the fact that I’m not homophobic. I have no problem with homosexuality or any religious hang ups about it. Why, then, do I struggle so badly with this? Sitting here I have a movie on the tv in the background. Just watching two men sit close together makes me uncomfortable. I find myself looking at their bodies and thinking about them under their clothes. Does that arouse me? Why am I even thinking this. The other thing that gets me is that I know being gay is not a choice. Gay people do not choose to be that way. You often also hear that most people who are gay went through a period where they wished on everything that they were straight. That’s just affirmation that that is what my experience is. 13 years now. I’m now 34, have lost so much of my adulthood to these thoughts, and it isn’t getting any better. I started on this app back in the summer, and I haven’t really gotten anywhere. I feel hopeless. I have a child that I feel like I’m neglecting because of all of this. It’s heartbreaking. The anxiety that I feel. I feel as if the only way I can be an effective father to him is if I admit this and move on. I’ve tried some ERP. Some I’ve been able to do. Others have caused me to break down and cry in front of my family. I just feel helpless. I feel alone. I miss the time where this wasn’t the thing that dominated my thought processes all the time. I miss being able to go to bed and wake up refreshed the next morning. I cannot remember the last time that happened. This is it. This is the moment I’m finally going to be able to admit to myself that I am a homosexual man. I just need to move on…

13 years is along time for you to go through this I am extremely sorry, I’ve been having hocd for just the bast two months and I completely undestand what you mean about missing being able to wake up refreshed. I know you say this is the moment you finally just admit to yourself that you are a homosexual man but if this has been going on for such a long span of time do you really think it’s true that you are gay? I mean what I’m trying to say is yes it’s difficult for people to come out im aware of that but people who are gay find pleasure in homosexual thoughts and you clearly sound distressed by all of this you have been going through. I just think that when ocd has been there for so long it convinces you to believe your thoughts, mines only been here for about 2 months and some days my mind convinces me I am gay even though I know I’m straight and I I have a boyfriend who I love dearly. it’s a really hard battle to go through tbh I sit here sometimes wondering why does ocd have to be a thing it’s so evil or why do I have to have this illness. I want my life back and I’m sure you do too for you and your son , I think because of the amount of people I’ve seen talk about ERP (especially for the type of ocd you and I have ) that you should maybe try it again? I know you said it caused you distress but overtime I’ve heard that the pain goes away that you have attached to the intrusive thoughts because your mind is so bored of them. I think next month I’m going to try it too, because like you I miss just being able to enjoy life without having to think about whether I’m gay every five seconds I wish you all the best I’m sorry if anything doesn’t make sense.

Im (25 F) am also going through this. I have a hard time because there are moment where I question whether I am actually attracted to men and if I do love my boyfriend. There are times when I try to analyze my feelings for him and if they are true. I worry that I’m gay and actually into women. My thoughts used to disgust me a lot and distress me but with some ERP it was getting better, it was like they were there but didn’t have to mean anything in that moment. Now though, I’m nervous that the thoughts not making me nervous mean something and that they are not going completely away for a reason and because what if it’s bc Im actually gay. I feel like I can’t be authentic and be who I want to be. I just want to be happy and in love with my boyfriend, but I worry that it’s internalized homophobia. Ugh so many worries which lead to thoughts. I feel you both on the not being able to wake up refreshed. How do you focus on your relationship to enjoy it and do you also have these doubts?

@Anonymous Hi I have replied to your comment hope you can see it on this thread somewhere it’s very long though, my apologies if the length is any inconvenience x

It’s horrible isn’t it I’m really sorry you are going through this I’m 16 f and although I’m only young I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he’s my entire world and we have never had any problems. I understand what you mean completely since my hocd started I also started getting intrusive thoughts like do I even love him if this is going on, then I realised I also think I have rocd. I tried twice to split up with him sadly, because my mind was telling me not only that I am gay but also that I do not love my best friend honestly heart breaking. Both times I tried to end it he said no🤣 he understands what I’m going through (not completely) but enough to know I do love him. He is so confident in my love for him and I know he’s right because I do love him. This ocd is horrible both hocd and rocd because hocd just makes you feel like someone has taken away your identity, that’s what it feels like for me anyway. I have always identified as a straight female, I’ve always been attracted to boys my entire life I I often here coming out story’s were they say there were signs they were gay there whole life and then I sit there to try look for signs to see if I am gay or not. I’ve never found any signs that I am from my past, but even if you ever do that can also just be ocd doubting your thoughts. Anyway I don’t know what your HOCD is like personally but for me whenever I look in the mirror my head tells me I’m gay, every action I do, the way I sit the way I talk sometimes, when I’m putting on makeup which is something I used to love to do my mind goes ‘ you are only doing this to make yourself look more straight’ even though I know I’m straight it’s crazy. And when I see a woman that’s pretty I’ve always been able to acknowledge when another female is attractive but since this, if I find another girl attractive my mind instantly says things like ‘That’s means you are gay’ ‘ you must be gay if you look at another girl and think she is pretty’ ‘ you need to come out because straight people do not go through this’ I also often find myself looking at girls to see if I’m attracted to them the same way as men, well my boyfriend. And then I get mental images but these just really disturb me and make me feel sick. Just to clarify the thought of two women together doesn’t make me feel sick, I’m not homophobic at all it’s just the thought of me personally with a woman I don’t like it it doesn’t feel right. When hocd started after two weeks it was so difficult that I said to my boyfriend I think I’m bisexual and this is me telling you, and he was like okay that’s fine. That gave me relief for about an hour because I thought yay I’ve finally found my ‘true’ self I’m a bisexual woman with a man that’s okay all these thoughts will end now. But then an hour later I just felt sick, I knew I was just lying to myself to please the thoughts and it just didn’t feel right. If it felt right the thought of me with another girl wouldn’t make me feel ill. ( apologies I’m writing a lot but I just want you to know you are not alone) And ROCD is horrible too, I wish I could take all ocd away from every sufferer in the world but I just feel like rocd is really heartbreaking. For your brain to tell you you don’t love people that you KNOW you do is just disgusting. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have wished I could just go back to normal and for this to all go away, there were days just only last week were I was convinced that I do not love anyone in my life at all and that’s that. we think cause the thoughts are always there, that it means they are true. They are not. This is really hard and I know it is for you too, just know your thoughts are not reality. I always think of it like this when I’m with my boyfriend and for the 30 seconds I finally don’t have a single intrusive thought about whether I love him or if I’m gay, all I feel is love and warm inside and just pure happiness like it used to be before my ocd began. I’m sure that’s how you feel with yours too when your brain isn’t torturing you. So that just proves your thoughts aren’t true, that’s what gives me hope is I rneber the moments were I wasn’t worrying and how good it feels that what makes me want to get better too If you have any more questions please ask me, I know that was so long to read but I just don’t want you to feel Alone, even before ocd I often felt depressed for about a year or two still don’t know why, but this ocd is a new pain I’ve never felt and I feel so much sympathy towards anyone going through it in the world it’s really not talked about enough all my love grace x

@Ope Totally get what you mean!! I remember seeing magic Mike vids and thinking I just don’t understand the hype like they are abit too muscular for me aha. I know what you mean about womens bodies though, I’ve always thought other womens bodies are pretty not my own because you know as humans we like to be mean to ourselves but ever since this ocd has begun if I think a woman is pretty on say Instagram or TikTok I panic and the thoughts start and then I’m like if you think they are pretty you are gay and also like you I then think you are just in denial just come out already. But then As I’ve said I couldn’t imagine and wouldn’t want to be with a woman like that and I just think the fact that this distresses us just proves we aren’t in denial and this really is just ocd doubting our every action. Which can I just add is so tiring someone please make a cure ahah

Thanks so much for sharing! I can relate to everything you said. I definitely know I have HOCD and ROCD and I’ve been going through erp to help with sitting with uncertainty. It’s just so hard when the thoughts come and I’m not able to just say “maybe, maybe not” and instead I try to analyze everything. When I’m in this state it always makes me question if those moments where I felt happy or in love or care for my boyfriend even were real. Do you get what I mean? And it’s hard to come out of that.

@Ope I was just thinking this. My brain always throws this at me like you just not be into men bc you don’t go crazy over this. I am into men and I feel attracted to them and o think some are hot but it’s so hard when then you see other women who are instantly attracted or aroused by a shirtless guy and are so vocal about it bc it makes my experience and attraction to men not feel like enough for a straight person. Glad to hear that someone also has a similar experience to me.

@Anonymous I know completely what you mean, it’s so difficult but the part were u are thinking was that even real is also just your ocd doubting every feeling you have. I’m so sorry you are going through this it’s really difficult

@Ope @graciepops17 Thanks for sharing! Do y’all ever start to analyze the past? Right now I’m trying to think back to a moment and I was thinking that in this one situation I must have had the “am I attracted to her” thought but when I put the timeline together, I hadn’t had the initial trigger moment that has led me to question all of this. So I wonder, could I have been truly questioning my sexuality and had attractions to girls before? Or is my timeline off and I think I had those thoughts then just bc I’ve had these thoughts so much I think they must have been everywhere? Like Im worried Im remembering this wrongly.. ugh idk Could I have had these thoughts and them not be real like no significance before it became an ocd thing. Does that make sense?