- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
13 years is along time for you to go through this I am extremely sorry, I’ve been having hocd for just the bast two months and I completely undestand what you mean about missing being able to wake up refreshed. I know you say this is the moment you finally just admit to yourself that you are a homosexual man but if this has been going on for such a long span of time do you really think it’s true that you are gay? I mean what I’m trying to say is yes it’s difficult for people to come out im aware of that but people who are gay find pleasure in homosexual thoughts and you clearly sound distressed by all of this you have been going through. I just think that when ocd has been there for so long it convinces you to believe your thoughts, mines only been here for about 2 months and some days my mind convinces me I am gay even though I know I’m straight and I I have a boyfriend who I love dearly. it’s a really hard battle to go through tbh I sit here sometimes wondering why does ocd have to be a thing it’s so evil or why do I have to have this illness. I want my life back and I’m sure you do too for you and your son , I think because of the amount of people I’ve seen talk about ERP (especially for the type of ocd you and I have ) that you should maybe try it again? I know you said it caused you distress but overtime I’ve heard that the pain goes away that you have attached to the intrusive thoughts because your mind is so bored of them. I think next month I’m going to try it too, because like you I miss just being able to enjoy life without having to think about whether I’m gay every five seconds I wish you all the best I’m sorry if anything doesn’t make sense.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Im (25 F) am also going through this. I have a hard time because there are moment where I question whether I am actually attracted to men and if I do love my boyfriend. There are times when I try to analyze my feelings for him and if they are true. I worry that I’m gay and actually into women. My thoughts used to disgust me a lot and distress me but with some ERP it was getting better, it was like they were there but didn’t have to mean anything in that moment. Now though, I’m nervous that the thoughts not making me nervous mean something and that they are not going completely away for a reason and because what if it’s bc Im actually gay. I feel like I can’t be authentic and be who I want to be. I just want to be happy and in love with my boyfriend, but I worry that it’s internalized homophobia. Ugh so many worries which lead to thoughts. I feel you both on the not being able to wake up refreshed. How do you focus on your relationship to enjoy it and do you also have these doubts?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous Hi I have replied to your comment hope you can see it on this thread somewhere it’s very long though, my apologies if the length is any inconvenience x
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@Ope @graciepops17 Thanks for sharing! Do y’all ever start to analyze the past? Right now I’m trying to think back to a moment and I was thinking that in this one situation I must have had the “am I attracted to her” thought but when I put the timeline together, I hadn’t had the initial trigger moment that has led me to question all of this. So I wonder, could I have been truly questioning my sexuality and had attractions to girls before? Or is my timeline off and I think I had those thoughts then just bc I’ve had these thoughts so much I think they must have been everywhere? Like Im worried Im remembering this wrongly.. ugh idk Could I have had these thoughts and them not be real like no significance before it became an ocd thing. Does that make sense?
- Date posted
- 3y
I think that just because you have had the thoughts so much your timeline is definetly off, sometimes ocd causes like false memories and situations too so it also could be that.
- Date posted
- 3y
It’s horrible isn’t it I’m really sorry you are going through this I’m 16 f and although I’m only young I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he’s my entire world and we have never had any problems. I understand what you mean completely since my hocd started I also started getting intrusive thoughts like do I even love him if this is going on, then I realised I also think I have rocd. I tried twice to split up with him sadly, because my mind was telling me not only that I am gay but also that I do not love my best friend honestly heart breaking. Both times I tried to end it he said no🤣 he understands what I’m going through (not completely) but enough to know I do love him. He is so confident in my love for him and I know he’s right because I do love him. This ocd is horrible both hocd and rocd because hocd just makes you feel like someone has taken away your identity, that’s what it feels like for me anyway. I have always identified as a straight female, I’ve always been attracted to boys my entire life I I often here coming out story’s were they say there were signs they were gay there whole life and then I sit there to try look for signs to see if I am gay or not. I’ve never found any signs that I am from my past, but even if you ever do that can also just be ocd doubting your thoughts. Anyway I don’t know what your HOCD is like personally but for me whenever I look in the mirror my head tells me I’m gay, every action I do, the way I sit the way I talk sometimes, when I’m putting on makeup which is something I used to love to do my mind goes ‘ you are only doing this to make yourself look more straight’ even though I know I’m straight it’s crazy. And when I see a woman that’s pretty I’ve always been able to acknowledge when another female is attractive but since this, if I find another girl attractive my mind instantly says things like ‘That’s means you are gay’ ‘ you must be gay if you look at another girl and think she is pretty’ ‘ you need to come out because straight people do not go through this’ I also often find myself looking at girls to see if I’m attracted to them the same way as men, well my boyfriend. And then I get mental images but these just really disturb me and make me feel sick. Just to clarify the thought of two women together doesn’t make me feel sick, I’m not homophobic at all it’s just the thought of me personally with a woman I don’t like it it doesn’t feel right. When hocd started after two weeks it was so difficult that I said to my boyfriend I think I’m bisexual and this is me telling you, and he was like okay that’s fine. That gave me relief for about an hour because I thought yay I’ve finally found my ‘true’ self I’m a bisexual woman with a man that’s okay all these thoughts will end now. But then an hour later I just felt sick, I knew I was just lying to myself to please the thoughts and it just didn’t feel right. If it felt right the thought of me with another girl wouldn’t make me feel ill. ( apologies I’m writing a lot but I just want you to know you are not alone) And ROCD is horrible too, I wish I could take all ocd away from every sufferer in the world but I just feel like rocd is really heartbreaking. For your brain to tell you you don’t love people that you KNOW you do is just disgusting. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have wished I could just go back to normal and for this to all go away, there were days just only last week were I was convinced that I do not love anyone in my life at all and that’s that. we think cause the thoughts are always there, that it means they are true. They are not. This is really hard and I know it is for you too, just know your thoughts are not reality. I always think of it like this when I’m with my boyfriend and for the 30 seconds I finally don’t have a single intrusive thought about whether I love him or if I’m gay, all I feel is love and warm inside and just pure happiness like it used to be before my ocd began. I’m sure that’s how you feel with yours too when your brain isn’t torturing you. So that just proves your thoughts aren’t true, that’s what gives me hope is I rneber the moments were I wasn’t worrying and how good it feels that what makes me want to get better too If you have any more questions please ask me, I know that was so long to read but I just don’t want you to feel Alone, even before ocd I often felt depressed for about a year or two still don’t know why, but this ocd is a new pain I’ve never felt and I feel so much sympathy towards anyone going through it in the world it’s really not talked about enough all my love grace x
- Date posted
- 3y
@Ope Totally get what you mean!! I remember seeing magic Mike vids and thinking I just don’t understand the hype like they are abit too muscular for me aha. I know what you mean about womens bodies though, I’ve always thought other womens bodies are pretty not my own because you know as humans we like to be mean to ourselves but ever since this ocd has begun if I think a woman is pretty on say Instagram or TikTok I panic and the thoughts start and then I’m like if you think they are pretty you are gay and also like you I then think you are just in denial just come out already. But then As I’ve said I couldn’t imagine and wouldn’t want to be with a woman like that and I just think the fact that this distresses us just proves we aren’t in denial and this really is just ocd doubting our every action. Which can I just add is so tiring someone please make a cure ahah
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Thanks so much for sharing! I can relate to everything you said. I definitely know I have HOCD and ROCD and I’ve been going through erp to help with sitting with uncertainty. It’s just so hard when the thoughts come and I’m not able to just say “maybe, maybe not” and instead I try to analyze everything. When I’m in this state it always makes me question if those moments where I felt happy or in love or care for my boyfriend even were real. Do you get what I mean? And it’s hard to come out of that.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@Ope I was just thinking this. My brain always throws this at me like you just not be into men bc you don’t go crazy over this. I am into men and I feel attracted to them and o think some are hot but it’s so hard when then you see other women who are instantly attracted or aroused by a shirtless guy and are so vocal about it bc it makes my experience and attraction to men not feel like enough for a straight person. Glad to hear that someone also has a similar experience to me.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous I know completely what you mean, it’s so difficult but the part were u are thinking was that even real is also just your ocd doubting every feeling you have. I’m so sorry you are going through this it’s really difficult
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.
- Date posted
- 21w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
- Date posted
- 21w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
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