UGH I really need help accepting my past and what sexually arouses me. Since I can remember I was sexually aroused by naked women as my dad used to have pics of them in his man cave, which has led to arousal of lesbian sex, lesbian porn, and lesbian sex fantasies. This was primarily the only thing I ever used to masturbate to (TMI SORRY). This makes my body respond super easily whenever I see it on tv and such, and in tv shows or movies they always relate being gay to them getting off to same sex and same sex porn. This has always made me very insecure about sexuality and myself because I thought only lesbians watch and like it (I know this is untrue) so I didn’t want anyone to think I was one as well. This obviously makes my hocd/soocd run wild with proof/evidence but I’m trying to work towards acceptance of it. Has anyone else done acceptance work and if so how? I’m terrible with it and too judgmental towards myself which brings shame. I have done tons of erp and it has worked tremendously but this is what can really get me back to feeling not the best at times.

I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.

I can't look at 18+ videos, comics, etc. I am straight, but SO-OCD tries to make me think I am not And the thoughts turns to feelings, and makes me scared, uncomfortable, sad, because I know this is not me. And when I try to imagine myself being with the woman on adult videos, and comics, my OCD gives gronal response not at the girl, and it fills me with fear, and anxiety, I always loved, and was attracted to women but I can't and it caused me to be depressed, and I keep ruminating I keep trying to focus on her, but it's so bad that I avoid those all the time now. I am wondering has anyone gone through something like this, or currently is, and wondering how you have done to combat this!

I never read someone talk about this so I wanted to know if it applies to anyone as well. For context: I deal with ROCD and SOCD but I do identify as straight and am in a (happy) relationship with a man. What often triggers me is memories about childhood and adolescences about having the groinal toward nudity in porn or music videos. Because I can’t deny having watched other things than straight porn and experimenting with porn I simply can’t stop trying to figure out what that might have meant and if i deep down have actually a other sexual orientation than the one that I feel comfortable identifying with. I only hear people talking about random triggers but never the REAL memory of arousal to pornography and so on.