Well, today I managed to get the anxiety down a bit, even though the thoughts will not stop running rampant and the urges feel too real, so I guess that’s progress? I hope?

These past few days I was fine. Minimal intrusive thoughts ,no anxiety etc(to add I'm on medication so maybe it's starting to work although it barely is 2 weeks) and today I got a sudden wave of anxiety and it started latching on some thoughts like" what if I'm in denial and I wanna break up with my bf? And what if erp doesn't work for me because I actually wanna break up with my bf?" But they didn't really stay long usually those thoughts would make me spiral for days or so, now they lasted for some hours. And now I'm trying to trigger myself into being anxious again because if I don't it means I don't have ocd and if I don't have ocd it means I don't love my bf and if I don't love my bf it means I have to break up. Idk if it makes sense but the lack of anxiety makes me wonder if I actually have ocd or not.

I know I am going a bit cuckoo because my period is coming up, but lately it feels like every intrusive thought I have, I *like* it. Like I genuinely feel like I like it, and then I immediately panic because I start checking. Mentally, emotionally, whatever it is. And I know that is a compulsion. I *know* that. But it feels so real that I cannot stop myself. Every single time I check, it still feels like I like the thought, and it is driving me absolutely insane. It is especially the POCD thoughts. They feel so real. I feel like something is going on mentally, like some kind of confusion or glitch, because I swear I was not like this before. I would have intrusive thoughts, and they would feel real, but not *this* real. And I do not even know if this is normal. I know OCD is **supposed** to feel convincing. That is the whole thing. But I have never experienced it to this extreme. I have never gotten the same thought so many times and still felt like, “Oh my God, I did enjoy it,” even after checking a million times. It is like no matter how many times I check, it feels like I liked it. Especially during intimacy :( and it is making me lose it. Then I start thinking, “Well, I am in distress, so maybe that is proof it is not actually me.” But right after, I am like, “What if I am only panicking because I care about what society thinks and not because I actually have morals?” And then I spiral again, wondering if maybe I just care about how I am seen rather than who I am. I am panicking so much no today. I had to take my Xanax today for the first time in two months, and I needed three separate doses. I really need some support right now.

Lately, my mood shifts so frequently. A couple of minutes ago, I got triggered and decided that instead of doing a compulsion, I'd write in my journal (since I haven't done that in a while). But after writing not even half a page... I'm okay? Well, sorta! 😭 I'm experiencing a resurgence in old obsessions, which is disappointing. A couple of weeks back, I was doing a lot better, but now it's just one thing after another. Really wish therapy was more affordable. I'm already seeing my psychiatrist, but she wants me to see a specialist as well. When I think about living with this for the rest of my life, I can get a little emotional. I know it'll get easier to manage as time passes, and it might not even affect me in the future, but right now...? It's a lot of work I'll need to do to overcome this. I'm willing to do it, but I get discouraged at times... But that's enough of my little vent! I hope anyone who reads this is doing okay. Hang in there 🤍