How do you get over the fear of talking about your emotions? Real event OCD has been literally grabbing me by the hair and swinging me around recently… because of events that have happened in the past, I find it really hard to talk to people in general. I restrict myself on what I say. I’m reserved, secretive, and passive. I just agree with people and I can’t say no. Of course, I can’t tell anyone that, otherwise they’ll feel like I’m being rude, or that this whole time I’ve been a ‘disingenuous’ friend. Talking about my feelings is an absolute no-go. Like said, I restrict myself on everything that I say. If I’m happy, no one will know. If I’m sad, no one will know. I’ve turned myself into an emotionless machine that runs on autopilot because I’m so scared of people knowing how I feel thus in most situations I just repress everything. The apathetic temperament I’ve taken up is even making every day just feel like it’s the same. The fear is that I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of how people are going to respond, and because of the few events that happened in the past, I feel like I’m going to be made out as some sort of ‘villain’ — that which I’ve painted myself for so many years. I think that’s literally it. I paint myself as a villain. No matter what I say, I will feel like the bad person who always is in the wrong. It’s unresolved trauma I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring up again. I was blamed for a lot of things, so I’m afraid even the simplest of things is going to make people hurt or offended. That is why I don’t show my emotions — so there’s absolutely no way that people can respond to them. I don’t know if that made any sense at all. But I’m just so exhausted of talking to people as somebody that I’m not. Hiding everything, having to agree to things I don’t want to agree to, I’m miserable and tired. But like said, if I tell people I need alone time, they’re going to think I’m being mean or that I don’t want to be around them, which is definitely not what I want I’m saying. Christmas Day was the first day in about 3 years I finally had offline. No phone, no socialising. It was the most relaxed I’d ever been in years. I could cry thinking about how I want Christmas Day to play over and over. Just my mum, my brother & I, sitting on the floor and eating crisps whilst watching her build this new cabinet my dad got me… even my mum noticed that I was more relaxed. I wasn’t disturbed by so many intrusive thoughts. The only thing is that it wasn’t actually me that asked to spend a day offline. If my friend didn’t ask me if I wanted to stay off Christmas Day, I wouldn’t have said anything and would’ve been on my phone all day, which is something I really don’t want to do. I feel like it’s bad that sometimes I want my friends to ignore me just so I don’t have to tell them myself that I want to be alone. I don’t know what they’ll say to me which scares me. This is all making me realise I really need to be vocal. But I can’t do it. I’m going to offend people no matter what. I feel like I’m stuck in an eternal nightmare of fearing that I’ll hurt someone in some way. I just feel like the detriment of myself and the happiness of others is a lot easier than finding the strength to talk about how I feel. It’s just easier this way.