Alright. My last ocd spiral that was I think possibly the worst was when the guy I considered the love of my life and I stopped talking because he was unhappy and im pretty sure my ocd was getting worse. When we would fight i would obsess and when we weren’t we were spending so much time together. I was jealous and insecure. So we stopped talking and he said that however many years from now if one of us felt ready to talk we would hit the person up. I was really bad i didn’t want him to go and would message him on all the blocked accounts because i missed him so much and would think of him constantly. Ir was a rocky road and have only now been able to talk about us. We were basically sexually involved but with feelings? It was all online though. Typing this is extremely hard. Anyway our last actual conversation was in 2020 he has added me back on Snapchat and idk what to do. I finally feel stable and healthy im back in school, i put back all the weight i lost, there are still things that i have to work on but im finally ok again. I honestly am unsure if i should accept and add maybe talk? Idk if he did it on purpose or what? Idk how long ago he sent the request but im thinking to myself and am like no you’re not ready? But im like will I ever be ready? Am i saying this because he left me and i want to make him wait? Because i miss talking to him but i think my head isn’t in thw right space. Im pretty sure he said he would only message when he wasn’t into me anymore. Idk if i will ever not be into him? But one of the best years of my life was when i was talking to him even with all the ups and downs. When i got the request i was shaking. What should i do? I do enjoy his talks. At one point i was sure we would never talk and had gotten comfortable with the idea.

I really need help. My brain is torturing me right now. Basically me and my boyfriend went through a really rough patch and he wasn’t communicating what was wrong and I started to just lose feelings and not feel how I used to which was the most upsetting thing because I swear we are soulmates. Anyway so we broke up for like a day before he realized he’s really sad without me and he is finally willing to work on communication and our issues and this is the most I’ve really ever felt he notices it this time. I am supposed to go see him and he is so excited and I’m freaking out. I want to see him but I keep thinking how it’s triggering for me cause I don’t want to go back to that rough patch cause it lasted a long time. I want to try again but I also feel like it’s easier to just run away from everything. It feels like I got to know his personality but that isn’t fair to say because now he’s aware and wants to change. I’m scared because I know feelings can come back and I hope mine can cause right now I just keep replaying the past and the bad stuff. He seems really willing to work on it this time which should make me so happy but I’m also so scared things will go back to how they were and I’m worried if I’m this anxious my body is telling me he isn’t right for me and that it’s not ocd which would really upset me because I’ve had such hope. I know my feelings started to go away but that’s cause of how we were to each other and now we are aware of the problem. Does it mean I shouldn’t be with him if the thought of trying again makes me so anxious or is that just the fear? I wish this wanting to work through things happened before I felt like this and now I’m scared I won’t get it back. I’m also scared that there is someone out there better for me and by being with him I’m blocking that. But the thought of being without him makes me so sad. I want to try to see him differently and maybe see it’s different but I’m scared it’s not. I’m afraid of a million things. What if it’s too late and I can’t get my feelings back? What if I’m forever anxious around him? What if being with him prevents me from meeting other people? I haven’t seen him in a while cause he was away and people say I won’t know how I feel till I see him. It feels like once I get there I already know though that I’ll have the same thoughts and won’t be able to get back to how I felt because it became uncomfortable but I’ve heard I’m anticipating it. I’m scared it’s gut and not ocd

my name is isma, i am 19 in nyc. i met this amazing guy at the beginning of the year, we hit it off immediately and he really stood out to me. i recently broke up with him because i feel like if id put him thru a lot if he’d stay with me. i recently came out to my parents and it wasn’t voluntary. i was caught with him and then had to reveal that i was gay. my parents didn’t take it too well. i felt uncomfortable and a little scared to be at home for some days. that settled in a week and both my parents told me they were acceptant but in the end it just felt to me like if they accepted me but they just didn’t wanna know about it anymore in a sense of just avoiding touching on the topic. now me and my boyfriend, i was going thru a lot and he gave me all his attention and was there for me whenever i had to vent or just cry because of everything going on. it’s crazy to think that at 19 years old id be coming out to my parents when at the start of the year, i never thought that’d be something id end up doing. ive never been open about my emotions or a “soft” person because i was never able to be myself at home and with my parents. sometimes i can’t even hug anyone. i find it hard to speak to strangers that r not my friends. i’m very picky when it comes to making friends. i feel like my thoughts are all over the place and im very indecisive. i miss my boyfriend and i wanna go back with him but im scared that ill ruin things again. before him, i was stuck in hookup culture and thought that by hooking up w a guy i was interested in, he’d wanna stay with me and get to know me. i was used many times and ive also used people many times. i’ve been done dirty and ive done people dirty, i dont think of myself as a good person but i felt loved and deeply cared for by this guy. he lives in nj and i live in ny. sometimes he’d even surprise me at work and i cried the first time he did. i felt so special and in awe because i would’ve never thought i could get so emotional over a small gesture. to me it wasn’t a small gesture. it was everything because he came from all the way in nj to ny just to see me for a couple of minutes. i hate the way that i am. i am unconfident, i think i am so ugly, sometimes i question how he found me attractive to date. i overthink everything, i cried one time imagining him coming to see me in ny then having to go home so late back to nj, i dont think im worth it and i felt like i didn’t deserve that and maybe it’d be better if he found someone near him. i also compared myself a lot with him. he’s such a kind spirited person, he’s always smiling and i on the other hand get told i look sad or anxious. i am i pretty negative person and that just adds on to me being an overthinker. i always thought someone as happy as him deserves another happy person and not someone who gets mad or agitated easily. i wish i can be more for him, i do miss him a lot and i plan on talking with him again. i just wanna talk everything out, even if we don’t date for sometime, i wanna be around him and know we’re gonna get back there again someday. he’s the best person that’s came to my life, i know ppl may say to let it go and see it as a learning experience but i don’t wanna move on if it’s not me moving on by his side. i really do wanna be with him i just wanna get my head clear. i don’t know what to do, im stuck

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.