Hi friends! I have never posted before, and I am so sorry in advance for the longer post, but in the spirit of seeking recovery, I figured it would be good to get this out instead of internalizing everything like I usually do. My family and I are currently on a road trip, which means I’ve been spending long periods of time stationary with looots of time to think. Needless to say, I’ve had several mini episodes over the duration of this trip that have been pretty bad. Earlier tonight I was having an intrusive thought episode that felt so real and all consuming, and I have gotten to a point where I am just so tired of trying to resist and of fighting and of rumination, that I just had this moment of almost acceptance? I just thought, “you know what, this thought is true, this is who I am as a person, and I just have to accept it.” I don’t know what I was expecting or exactly what I wanted to happen after that, but I guess a part of me was hoping that if I just did that, then those thoughts and terrible moment would pass? But then of course, that was followed with the thought that by “accepting” it, I must not be bothered by the thoughts or never thought the nature of the thought is bad or wrong, which thereby only further proves that I truly am an evil and disturbed person, and that I now am just acknowledging the truth and embracing it. Has anyone ever experienced this or something similar? I would appreciate hearing however much anyone is willing and comfortable with sharing. It’s just an endless cycle where there is no winning. In my heart I know who I am and what I believe and the the things that are important to me, but that feels so far away and muddled now. I have been trying to carry on and not let OCD change the fabric of who I am (which I know ultimately it doesn’t, or shouldn’t), but I feel like I’m living a lie? It’s like I have a facade and am constantly trying to convince the people around me that I am a decent person to make up for/hide the fact that deep down I am a sinister person. I feel like even being myself, doesn’t truly feel like myself anymore? I don’t know. I know that recovery and healing is possible, but I’m just so scared that this is what the rest of my life will be like. Whew, I’m sorry again to dump all of this, but if you are still reading, thank you. On a side and more positive note, I am so grateful for this platform and so inspired by the bravery and resilience of all of you. 💛