Hi friends! I have never posted before, and I am so sorry in advance for the longer post, but in the spirit of seeking recovery, I figured it would be good to get this out instead of internalizing everything like I usually do. My family and I are currently on a road trip, which means I’ve been spending long periods of time stationary with looots of time to think. Needless to say, I’ve had several mini episodes over the duration of this trip that have been pretty bad. Earlier tonight I was having an intrusive thought episode that felt so real and all consuming, and I have gotten to a point where I am just so tired of trying to resist and of fighting and of rumination, that I just had this moment of almost acceptance? I just thought, “you know what, this thought is true, this is who I am as a person, and I just have to accept it.” I don’t know what I was expecting or exactly what I wanted to happen after that, but I guess a part of me was hoping that if I just did that, then those thoughts and terrible moment would pass? But then of course, that was followed with the thought that by “accepting” it, I must not be bothered by the thoughts or never thought the nature of the thought is bad or wrong, which thereby only further proves that I truly am an evil and disturbed person, and that I now am just acknowledging the truth and embracing it. Has anyone ever experienced this or something similar? I would appreciate hearing however much anyone is willing and comfortable with sharing. It’s just an endless cycle where there is no winning. In my heart I know who I am and what I believe and the the things that are important to me, but that feels so far away and muddled now. I have been trying to carry on and not let OCD change the fabric of who I am (which I know ultimately it doesn’t, or shouldn’t), but I feel like I’m living a lie? It’s like I have a facade and am constantly trying to convince the people around me that I am a decent person to make up for/hide the fact that deep down I am a sinister person. I feel like even being myself, doesn’t truly feel like myself anymore? I don’t know. I know that recovery and healing is possible, but I’m just so scared that this is what the rest of my life will be like. Whew, I’m sorry again to dump all of this, but if you are still reading, thank you. On a side and more positive note, I am so grateful for this platform and so inspired by the bravery and resilience of all of you. 💛

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

Hey folks, I know I shouldn’t post here and I know what I’m looking for when I do but I just feel so at a loss and OCD is playing the old trick of telling me I don’t have it which I guess is what it’s been doing for a while. My OCD started with a health obsession when I was 12 (I’m 22 now) but went away after a couple of months but didn’t present itself again until I was 17. I thought I had a degenerative disease and struggled with that day in and day out until I eventually accepted that I was going to die and made peace with it and then of course I kept living. OCD was pretty quiet for a few months after that. It would show itself when I had headaches and random aches and pains but it never hooked me as bad. Quite funny actually but I had a weird thing for a couple of months where every time I would go out for a drink I thought I’d wet myself so I’d stand in the bathroom for like 20-30 minutes at a time and that was multiple times across the night. Then in 2021, the theme shifted. I remember it distinctly, I was just lying in bed and a question appeared and that was it. My anxiety was really bad for about a year and then I met my girlfriend and we started dating. OCD went quiet until she moved to another city for university and I started to worry she was being unfaithful or didn’t love me anymore and things like that. With that obsession it kind of came to a head where I realised I either had to fully trust everything despite any doubt I felt or I’d lose her and so it just eventually started to pass. I’ve had a few occasions where I question my love for her and that really hurts because I’m pretty sure I’d be lost without her. That comes and goes though and it usually has to do with a general numbness that I feel after an OCD spike. The theme from 2021 (which I won’t say because I’m somehow worried that someone I know will see this and I will definitely wonder if people near me have seen this post despite it being pretty closed off.) never left but I was somehow able to put it to the back of my mind and get to a point where I was okay. I got a new job in 2024 at a point where I maybe was not ready. New place, new people and for the first 2 months or so it was fine. I even saw some potential triggers before they happened and did my best to ignore them. I got really drunk on a staff night out and when I woke up a lot of what ifs filled my head and I’ve been on my back since then. That brings us to now, my OCD has been pretty bad for about a year now but the weird part (and what I’m making this post about I guess) is that it feels different this time. I know that’s a super common phrase for people with OCD that therapists hear all the time and I have actually taken that piece of information as reassurance a few times over the years but it’s true. I feel so much more confused. I can’t even really explain it. It feels like my brain doesn’t engage or deny the obsession the same way as it used to and of course that makes me believe it’s real and I never actually had OCD. Instead, I’m left with thoughts that don’t give me that sharp feeling of anxiety that they used to and instead just leave me feeling super low and often angry just wishing it would go away. I think it’s probably because I’ve been at this for so long and had the same theme for years and so I’ve in a way habituated to the anxiety and that’s what rationally makes sense to me but like you all know, you can’t reason with this thing. It’s like it gives me just enough anxiety and depression to keep me on the hook and make it feel real but not enough send me into panic like it used to. I used to lie in bed, unable to get up and wishing that I was dead. I guess that now because I don’t feel that way, at least most of the time, my ocd is using that as a way to tell me I never really had it. Also I think I used to rely so heavily on reassurance but now know that I shouldn’t have it I try to avoid it. Without it though, it all feels real and I feel like eventually I will lose myself fully and that’s a fear that makes me feel unfathomably hopeless and makes me dread the future when I used to have dreams and hopes for myself that I looked forward to fulfilling. I don’t want to be big-headed, I just genuinely feel like I could’ve had a really great life and that’s gone now because of this thing. Anyway I just wanted to kind of use this post to get my head straight and map out something that I couldn’t quite explain effectively in therapy. I appreciate everyone who sees this but ask not to give me reassurance, I know we all empathise with each other but I’ve been at this long enough to know that it does none of us any good. I hope everyone is doing well, keep your head up. They tell me there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.